A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
    and how good is a timely word!                                                                                                         Proverbs 15:23

One of the types of homework that I often give to clients, that is my “couples clients”, is the “3 Questions”.  I find that many couples, in their busy schedules, often do not spend intentional time together. Sometimes, they just need a specific plan and format to connect with one another, so I give them this simple formula.

They are to set aside 15 minutes every day for one another. During that time, they are to ask one another, in this order, the 3 questions. Those questions are: “What is the best thing that happened to you today?”  “What was your biggest challenge today?” “Where did you see God today?”

This simple exercise can get the couple connected on a more than surface level, and it can be done in a minimum of time. Of course, they are allowed to spend more than 15 minutes on this, and I hope they do, but the regular intentional decision to connect is really the important thing.

I add that if they feel like they can hold hands and briefly pray together, so much the better. In this way, they have connected physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

So, the exercise is simple, but the hard part is being intentional and disciplined about doing it. If they do this every day for a week, it can become a habit. And, as they say in the recovery community- it works if you work it.

Prayer: Lord, you have made us communicating people. Help us to be intentional with those whom we love to connect daily and deeply, Amen

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life                                                                                               Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

I recently saw a couple in marriage counseling, and at the end of the session, I wanted to give them some added encouragement. They have been struggling for some time, and I felt that they needed an extra boost. So, I told them that I have seen, literally, multiple hundreds of couples over the years. Based upon my experience, I told them that there was every reason that we could be successful in our endeavors, and that they have worked hard and shown perseverance. I further suggested that if they continue to work the plans we have all laid out, there is no reason that the marriage could not only be restored, but that it could prosper better than they had ever imagined.

I said this because I believe it. I also said it to give them hope, because they had seen little hope over the past several years. I noticed that the wife had tears in her eyes, and then she just let them flow. She thanked me for the confidence I had in them, and for saying out loud that this marriage could be renewed, and that it could prosper like it once had.

One of the most important jobs that counselors can do is give hope. The belief that things can get better is often just the impetus needed to make that positive change happen. Without hope, people can give up, and so, to the extent that we are able, we must continue to give people hope for a better future.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us hope for a future. Help is to spread that to others, Amen.

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”                                                       Mark Twain

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.                                                                                                          Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

This quote from Mark Twain bears a lot of truth in its humor. Twain is saying, in his own inimitable style, that most of the worries we have never happen. Sometimes we worry because we think that we have some sort of unspoken need to pay attention to some situation, or possibility, and therefore, we can have some measure of control over it. Almost like saying, “Well, I did my job of worrying about that so I’m not going to be blindsided by it!”

We worry because it gives us the illusion of control. As I have discussed earlier, control is the antidote to anxiety. Where there is high anxiety, there is a perceived need for high control. We tell ourselves that if we control every possible scenario, we can somehow fend off some bad outcome.

Sometimes, over-control is good. We “overstudy” for the test to minimize test anxiety. Not a bad strategy, but it’s not fool-proof. Nonetheless, it serves a good purpose, and it likely is a helpful idea.

 On the other hand, some over-control causes more problems than it solves, such as hoarding behavior or agoraphobic responses where people simply try to never leave their home. We also know that some behaviors, like superstitions, do not help outcomes, but we do them anyway for our own comfort- you know, just in case.

Like, maybe that thing of never washing the socks you wore when you pitched that shutout last year. Or never stepping on the foul lines in baseball. Or dribbling exactly six times before you shoot a free throw. Let’s not blame the athletes for their superstitions. We all do stuff that really doesn’t help anything other than make us feel like we exercised some control where we felt we had none.

So, keep in mind Twain’s quote. Much of the stuff we worry about just isn’t going to happen. Of course, if it makes you feel better, it’s OK to keep that lucky coin in your pocket!

Prayer: Lord, we know that you have given us access to you in prayer at all times. Thank you for that provision, Amen

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track                                                                                           Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

There is an old illustration about trusting and believing that I think is apropos in both the Christian life as well as in counseling. The illustration goes something like this…

Picture a chair in the corner of the room as my friend and I enter. I point to the chair and I ask my friend if they believe that the chair is sturdy. It is an old wooden chair that has seen better days, but it still seems somewhat serviceable. Then I ask…

Me: “Do you believe that old chair could hold you if you sat on it?”

Friend: “Sure, I think it will”.

Me: “So, you believe that chair can hold your weight, right?”

Friend: “Sure, I believe it will”.

Me: “OK, go ahead and sit in it”

Friend: “Well, I’m not sure I want to do that”

That is the difference between believing and trusting. Just believing in something involves no real commitment to it. However, trust means that we will act on the belief with assurance of the outcome.

Our Christian faith asks us to trust fully in God, not just believe certain doctrines of the faith.

In counseling too, belief is a passive, almost “observer” position. Trust is willingness to act on what we believe in order to effect change. Change will come from consistent behaviors toward a goal. Mere belief that such change can happen because we hope it can, is usually not enough to effect real changes- in mood or situation.

A client believing that the homework I give to them will work is not effective until or unless it is acted upon. If medication is prescribed, mere belief in it does not work until one actually takes the medication.

Prayer: Lord, you have asked us to trust in you in all things. Help us to lean on you in trust, Amen.

Damascus Road…

All this time Saul was breathing down the necks of the Master’s disciples, out for the kill. He went to the Chief Priest and got arrest warrants to take to the meeting places in Damascus so that if he found anyone there belonging to the Way, whether men or women, he could arrest them and bring them to Jerusalem.He set off. When he got to the outskirts of Damascus, he was suddenly dazed by a blinding flash of light.                                                                                                                                                               Acts 9

Emmaus Road…

That same day two of them were walking to the village Emmaus, about seven miles out of Jerusalem. They were deep in conversation, going over all these things that had happened. In the middle of their talk and questions, Jesus came up and walked along with them. But they were not able to recognize who he was.

Back and forth they talked. “Didn’t we feel on fire as he conversed with us on the road, as he opened up the Scriptures for us?”

Then the two went over everything that happened on the road and how they recognized him when he broke the bread                                                                                                                                         Luke 24

There is an analogy that has been used over the years to describe how people can come to a deep knowledge of Jesus. The analogy involves two famous Bible stories of how different people came to a clear understanding of Jesus.

One road is the “Damascus Road” where Paul encountered a blinding vision of Jesus that immediately turned his life in a completely different direction. Where he once was a persecutor of this new cult of Christians who were defying his beloved Jewish faith, he now became the chief evangelist of the Jesus whom he now knew for the first time.

The other road, the “Emmaus Road” experience is one where Luke and Cleopas, who were followers of Jesus, encountered Jesus in a much different way. As they were walking together, commiserating how their friend Jesus was now dead, having recently been crucified, Jesus came alongside them, unrecognized by the grieving pair. Gradually, they became aware that this person was telling them some deep truths. They finally actually “saw him” when he broke bread with them, and their eyes were spiritually opened in a new and profound way. Their process of knowing Jesus was a gradual one. Paul’s process was immediate and dramatic.

The point is, we cannot truly prescribe how people should come to know Jesus. There is no one right way to meet him. While Jesus is the way to understanding God, there are many ways to come to know Jesus.

So, don’t worry about the road on which you meet Jesus. Just make sure that you are open to meeting him on your journey.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us many paths to walk, and we thank you for the diversity that you afford us as we seek the love of Jesus, Amen.

 Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “Tell the people to go away to the nearby villages and farms and buy themselves some food, for there is nothing to eat here in this desolate spot, and it is getting late.”

 But Jesus said, “You feed them.”                                                                                                                Mark 6:35-37

I always liked this passage about Jesus feeding the 5000. There are a lot of elements to it, and of course the one we resonate to is the miracle of stretching five loaves of bread and two fish to feed that crowd until they were full. Yes, that was pretty major!

However, there are other themes here too. The one I am thinking about today is that Jesus told the disciples to feed the people. This is just after the disciples had, understandably, tried to get a manageable plan so that these hungry people could eat. They proposed that the people be sent away to purchase their own food.

 But Jesus had a lesson in mind for them. He wanted the disciples to begin to understand their responsibility toward those who would follow the message of Jesus. They were to serve those people, not send them off to forage for themselves. Jesus also did this to have an opportunity to let them know of the power that they had, even miraculous power, if they simply trusted the Master, and also used what was on hand to perform that miracle.

Jesus calls us to serve with what we have in our hand- our talents, strengths and abilities, employed for his service. As the old saying goes, “He doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called”.

So, we are to employ whatever gifts or resources that we have to serve the Kingdom, and God will provide what we need as we move ahead in faith

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the plan that we are called to serve, and that you will provide, Amen

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” John 4:7 (NIV)

This passage from the book of John about the encounter with Jesus and the Samaritan woman sums up the example of Jesus demonstrating the fruits of the Spirit, and the characteristics we have been discussing this past week.

This is a story about Jesus going into Samaria. Samaria is between Judea and Galilee, which are provinces in Israel. Now you need to know that Jews and Samaritans were basically enemies. They would go out of their way to avoid one another, and they had done this for centuries. Jesus, however, needed to go from Judea to Galilee, so he went directly through Samaria. When he stopped to get a drink at about noon, he saw a Samaritan woman at the well, and Jesus approached her. You also need to know that women did not usually come to the well alone at noon, the hottest part of the day. This woman was not a very popular woman in the village. He asked her for a drink of water, and he engaged her in conversation.

The Samaritan woman was a little surprised at this since Jews did not talk to Samaritans, but Jesus persisted. He said that if she knew about all the good things that he could offer to people, what he called living water, she would be asking for those things, and he would grant them to her. She did not really understand what he was talking about, but by now, she was really intrigued by him. She wanted to know more about what he called living water, so she kept talking about the water from the well.

Jesus then said something odd. He asked if she could bring her husband with her to the well. She told him that she had no husband, and Jesus said that he knew that, and in fact, he knew that she had five husbands in the past. Well, she was pretty amazed by the fact that he knew this about her, and she said that he must be some kind of prophet. They went on to discuss religious matters, and they got into a lengthy conversation about the most important things in life.

By the end of the conversation, she had an understanding about the living water Jesus talked about. After their conversation was over, she went back to her village, and told everyone what an amazing man she had just met, and many people decided to consider the important things which Jesus had discussed with the woman.

In this story, I see Jesus demonstrating these principles which doctor Carkhuff stated as important personal characteristics.

The first is warmth. Warmth is effective non-verbal communication. People make a decision, often in just the first minute of meeting someone, before a word is spoken, that a person has warmth. This is done through eye contact, smiles, and engaging gestures. I think Jesus must have done a great job of engaging this woman at the well to get a perfect stranger to talk to him so openly.

The next characteristic is empathy– that is, to be able to see the world through the eyes of another person. This woman at the well was an outcast, but Jesus was able to relate with her. He was also kind of an outcast where he came from. He decided to try to encourage another person who was feeling lonely.

Then we see genuineness. That is another word that I talked about recently- sincerity.  Jesus was very open with the woman about who he was, and what he could offer to people, what he called living water. He made no pretenses- he just talked about who he was.  

The next characteristic is confrontation. Jesus was able to confront her about her marriage problems in a direct, yet non threatening way. He was able to say the hard things to her without pushing her away or offending her deeply.

Immediacy – This characteristic is the ability to be completely present with another person, with no distractions, and completely focused on the person with whom we are talking at that moment. I think that part of the reason that this woman was so intrigued by Jesus is that he really paid attention to her, and listened to her. This is probably something that she rarely experienced in her village.

The next characteristic is concreteness. By this we mean, the ability to be very clear in expressing our thoughts and feelings; to have a solid fund of knowledge and experience which we can use for the benefit of others. I saw that Jesus was able to translate to this woman some very difficult ideas, just by using a simple illustration which she knew- water. He called his gifts which he would share with her living water.

The next characteristic is self disclosure. This is the ability to relate to another person’s situation through our own life experiences. Sometimes, by sharing our own experiences, we can help others through problem situations. I saw Jesus being able to share things about himself for the benefit of this woman. She had a lot of problems, and Jesus was willing to share some things about himself to help her.

The last characteristic that we see is respect. Respect is defined as having confidence in another person that they can take responsibility for themselves. We do not need to lecture them, or belittle them, or force them to change problem behaviors. Remember, our job is to speak the truth in love, not to change other people. Jesus did not lecture this woman about her problem lifestyle. He respected her too much for that. He simply spoke the truth to her, and she responded when she saw the power of it. In fact, when others saw her as a woman with nothing to offer, Jesus saw her as a potential evangelist.

Prayer: Thank you for the example of Jesus, the one who knows us and loves, Amen     

Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another                                                       Ephesians 5:21

“When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are. When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be.”
Thomas S. Monson

The characteristic we look at today is Respect.

Respect – Empowers others – This is truly confidence in another person that they are able to solve their own problems. We are to empower other people to be their own problem solver. We as caregivers cannot take on ownership of the problems that our care receivers encounter. We can walk with them to solutions of their own choosing, having given godly counsel. In order to give away power, which is what we are really called to do, we must be at PEACE with God and ourselves and know that He is in control and we are not.

The final characteristic we look at this week in leadership and care giving is that of Respect. I like the idea that respect for another means that we trust that they are competent to solve their own problems, even if, at times, they may need a little help. After all, all of us need help at various times to get through some tough spots.

The idea of having the power to be of help to others means that it is our job, as leaders and care givers, to give away power to others. To the extent that we can help people to solve their own problems, and not disrespect them by taking over the problem, we are being respectful and caring.

If we have deep peace that God is in control, and that we trust him to be the ultimate care giver, we can have true respect for those we care for. There is an old adage, “Do not do something for someone that they can do for themselves”. There is truth in it. Certainly, we do certain things for people simply because we want to help and care for them. However, if we take over some tasks for them that they should/could be doing for themselves, we might be disrespecting them without really understanding that.

There is another counselor adage that is often helpful to think about. “Don’t work harder than your client to solve a problem that they present”. Again, if I am investing more effort than my client to solve a problem, is that showing respect that they can indeed work things out?

Indeed, I trust that my clients can do just fine without me. To the extent that they invite me with them into the problem solving that they intend to do, I am more than glad to help.

So, respect means that I give the message to others that they are competent to do what they need to do. I will be glad to help, but I affirm to them that success is theirs in solving their problem.

If I have gotten them to the resources, and to the ultimate source of help, the God of the universe, I have done my job.

Prayer: Lord, you would have us show respect to others by directing them to you for true healing, Amen.

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care—then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.                                                                                                       Philippians 2:1-4 (The Message)

Self-Disclosure – Relieves others by normalizing an event or showing that there is hope for resolution – This is the ability to reveal self-information appropriately for the benefit of another. This is a delicate decision because one must self disclose, not for the benefit of receiving pity, or to acquire honor, but rather is an apple of gold fitly spoken (Proverbs 25:11) to give comfort and healing to the hearer. The caregiver must have the sensitivity and GENTLENESS to discern the proper time and way to self- disclose to show understanding and care.

This characteristic of leadership and care giving is about the place for Self-Disclosure. This means something a little different to counselors because there are ethical considerations for the amount of self-disclosure we employ in helping our clients. Self-disclosure can be a helpful and practical tool in helping another by sharing a deep knowledge of a shared type of experience. However, there should be real caution in sharing too much, and for what reasons that might cross the border from professional relationship to “friend”. So, this technique must be used with care and caution, always with the mind-set of “for whose benefit am I sharing this?”

Certainly, there is a place for self-disclosure, and obviously, in a friendship, there is the expectation of self-disclosure. However, in professional situations, some careful consideration of personal information must be considered.

Prayer: Lord you would have us to care for one another with thought and gentleness. Thank you for all the tools of the Spirit that you provide, Amen

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see            Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

Concreteness – Assures people in times of stress – This implies strength and stability in a time of confusion for the care receiver. The caregiver needs to have the ability to take the vague and often scattered emotions of the care receiver at the time and help make sense of the situation. One needs to exhibit FAITH in order to maintain the knowledge that God is in control, that He makes no mistakes, and that God’s nature is not one which desires harm for people, but healing and eternal life.

The next characteristic we look at in leadership and care giving is the concept of Concreteness. At first blush, this may appear to be a rather oddly named characteristic, but as we explore it, we see the value in it for those who lead, especially in times of uncertainty and crisis. This is the quality of staying strong and stable when all else around us is crashing.

In military leadership, I have given in past blogs the example of Lt. Col. Theodore Roosevelt Jr. In the chaos on the beach during the dreadful D-Day landings, and when all hope seemed to be lost from plans that went awry, Roosevelt calmly replied to his nervous Lieutenants, “Gentlemen, we shall start the war from here!”

In counseling, it looks like the counselor who can calmly listen to a client, be able to pick up some themes in what a client is saying when they are stressed and having a hard time making themselves understood in the torrent of emotions, and then feeding back a summary of what was said in a clear and coherent, understanding way.

The fruit that this demonstrates is faith. Faith that God is ultimately in control, and therefore, we are going to be OK.

Prayer: Lord, increase our faith so that we can pass on strength to others, Amen