“What were the things that drew you to your spouse when you first met, or when you were in your early dating years?” This is a somewhat common question that I ask couples who I am seeing in counseling. I ask it for several reasons. First, I want to get them in touch with characteristics that are likely still present in their partner, but they have been overlooked due to stresses of marriage or living together over the years.

Next, I want the partners to share those things with one another, because they may not have been saying affirming things to one another for a long time. Finally, I want to explore the idea that the very things that drew them to one another are also the very things that can drive each other crazy now.

As I have said before, our strengths, our good qualities, if not managed well, can become weaknesses. I ask the partners to remember that there were very good reasons that they came together in the first place. Perhaps at this moment in their relationship, they have lost sight of those things.

It is a good exercise that we can all benefit from. It changes the lens a bit about how we currently see our partner/spouse, and how we used to see them.

Prayer: Lord, help us to continue to see our partners through a positive lens, Amen

A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.                                                                                                       Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 (The Message)

I spoke with a client recently who has experienced a series of losses in the past couple of years. She has lost both parents, and now she is experiencing “empty nest” with her kids moving out of the house for college and careers.

I talked with her about grieving losses, and not just death, but any type of loss. As she is getting through the grieving, I talked with her about those losses, and the need to start looking at adding some things in her life. The losses are real and painful, and we must acknowledge them. At the same time, we need to start, at some point, looking for things to add into our life. These additions are not “replacements.” They are attempts to grow into a new season.  

I talked with her about looking into some learning opportunities as well as some safe outreaches into new social settings. The challenge is to look for some new things to stimulate us. We are made to be curious and we look for stimulation. When we have a loss, there needs to be a new infilling- a healthy addition into our lives.

These things are not replacements, they are new opportunities to grow.

Prayer: Lord, help us to find the rhythm of loss and addition that keeps us healthy, Amen

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.  Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:1-2

I am currently reading a book titled Theo of Golden. It is a best seller, and I can see why. It is very well written, and it has a compelling character, Theo, who is a breath of fresh air. I have not completed the book yet, and indeed, some of my readers have likely read the book, so don’t tell me the ending!

What I have seen in Theo is the power of listening. I have also seen in him the ability to see the very best in the people whom he encounters. He becomes a wonderful encourager and affirmer of others. He also takes great joy in helping those people whom he has met in the small town of Golden.  

Theo reminds me a bit of the lead character in my historical novels about the adventures of Joseph Shepherd. I wrote Shepherd’s character to be one whom readers could not easily place- was he just a man ahead of his time? Perhaps he was a heaven-sent angel? Maybe he was even Jesus come in another age in our history?

In either case, both characters are examples of the best of human behavior.  You will have to read Joseph Shepherd, a Story of Travelers, and the sequel, Joseph Shepherd, the Adventure Continues in order to determine who Shepherd really is. As for Theo, I have not yet finished, but I am enjoying him a great deal.

The lesson for all of us is this- be a Theo or a Joseph Shepherd!

Prayer: Lord, help us to be those people who make the world that much better for us having been here, Amen 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,                                                                                                                                                                                    Hebrews 12:1

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.                                                                         II Timothy 4:7

Just the other day I was thinking about my resume, and it dawned on me that, at my stage in life, a resume no longer serves me. It is the epitaph that now looms larger in importance. Now, I do not want to appear maudlin or melancholy here. I am perfectly fine discussing this idea, and it does not cause me any sadness. It merely is that stage of life where we are looking more backward than forward. My epitaph will actually contain my resume. However, we cannot lose sight of the fact that we must look forward!

All this to say, I need no resume for employment any more. Though we stop working for a living, we never stop our work. We have our calling and our abilities, and we must continue to use those abilities to serve out that calling. I believe that there is truth to the saying that “if you don’t use it, you lose it”. This is certainly true of our physical bodies, and I think it is true of other skills or conditions as well, whether emotional, mental or spiritual.

Paul talked about our need to “run our race”. I think that race lasts our whole lifetime.

I am thankful for that.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for giving us our calling, and the will to play it out for our whole life, Amen

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver                                                        Proverbs 25:11

I was just listening to a podcast while walking today. The podcaster interviewed a social science researcher about “little kindnesses”. She remarked that while on a plane trip with her daughter, they were very tight in their schedule for a connecting flight. They needed to exit the plane quickly, get to their gate, and pray that they had made it in time. I am guessing that at one time or another, we all have been in that situation.

She noted that she and her daughter pushed ahead of other rows in the plane’s aisle, begging forgiveness of those in seats ahead of them, explaining the situation. Almost all were very accommodating and let them pass. But one older gentleman ahead of them would have none of it. He reminded them that “people wait their turn for those in rows ahead of them”. He did not let them pass.

This of course was infuriating for the woman relating the story. Then she talked it out with her podcast guest, and he told her of the research which indicates that we tend to remember the incidences of discourtesy or a sense of injustice dealt by others much more than the series of kindnesses we experience.

He pointed out the research of John Gottman, a noted authority on marriage counseling and restoration. Gottman indicates it may take about five acts of kindness and active positive interactions in order to overcome the effects of one or two rude or insensitive interactions.   

When we are dealing with strangers- store clerks, people on planes, phone operators, etc. small acts of kindness are very powerful. It might be one of those five or so that they need to overcome one of those insensitive interactions from others.

During this Christmas season, I am especially keeping that in mind.  

Prayer: Lord, keep us in mind of those little things that are big helps, Amen

 “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Matthew 14:12-14

Jesus used various opportunities to teach his disciples. Once, on the way to a party of a prominent Pharisee, he chose to heal a man on the Sabbath. This was just the warm-up for future paradoxical teachings that day.

Upon arriving at the house of the Pharisee, he noted that people were jostling for position at the head tables. He told his disciples to pick the lower, less prominent seats. In that way, they could be asked to move up to the front. If they chose a front seat, they risked the embarrassment of being asked to move down in the social pecking order.

Finally, he told his host, When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

His message? Don’t follow usual social conventions. He was saying that his world view flew in the face of the world’s expectations. This is the concept of “contra mundum”. That is, going against the conventions of the world system.

We as Christians are always being asked to determine our values in light of how Jesus sees the world, not popular conventions. So, care for the poor and marginalized is a value that Jesus holds. We need to decide how that drives our own value system.

Prayer: Lord, help us to follow your road less travelled, Amen

As I write this, I am on a vacation with my family -my wife, kids, grandkids, and the new spouse of my grandson. We are all under one roof- and we cherish this time together.  Family is to be cherished. I look at the little things of this week- time spent in the evening playing cards, then talking into the night about family history and experiences. Cooking dinner together, singing songs from the curated playlist, falling into an old movie and laughing until it hurts.

I was talking with my daughter, who is collaborating on this blog, about the best parts of being together. We decided that unquestioned love and acceptance is primary. We are each other’s biggest fans. No family is perfect, and of course ours is no exception, but we love each other, we respect one another, and we assume the best motives of one another. We are blessed beyond measure, and we are grateful that we can have such times together. Time with family does not last forever. Our job is to enjoy these precious times while they last.

This next section was written by my daughter, keeping alive a writing tradition begun some 30 years ago when Jennie first co-authored a blog with me. Part of a family tradition…

The newest addition (by marriage) to our family asked an intriguing question while we were all sitting on the beach, feet in the sand: “How did your kids become so fearless?” He didn’t mean daredevil-like fearlessness, he meant brave and adventurous in life in general. I guess I never really thought about my kids as being fearless but it is true that they have spread their wings to places around the world for school and work; they have blazed new trails, undaunted by new people, new cultures, new language, and new food. I credit years of taking small steps towards experiencing new things, especially traveling and taking a chance on a job far from home. I credit finding balance in everyday life between always being together and giving each other space to explore.

There is a new appreciation for our family when we watch them try new things or stretch from their comfort zone. Our family may not have Sunday dinner together every week, but we watch each other thrive in ways we could have never imagined. We are strategic about phone calls, minding the vast time zone differences, and we stay connected in the family group chat, aptly named after the beach we come to each year. We celebrate successes and support through the disappointments; we know the strength of our love for one another does not rest just on our physical proximity.

Sometimes the greatest love we can offer someone is the freedom to fly…with the ever-present reminder that home is wherever you want it to be. The times we share being physically together are precious but not more precious than knowing that being in the same room is not a prerequisite to feel one another’s extraordinary love.

Family…

All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn’t, and doesn’t, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end.                         Romans 5:20-21 (The Message)

I recently met with a client who deals with the shame of addictions. In fact, he has carried this shame with him like a dark cloak for many years. It is sad for so many reasons, not the least of which is that he experienced trauma from about age eight from a father who was a sexual predator.

The client is an overcomer who has worked very hard at dealing with addictions, but periodic relapses ignite his shame to new levels. Because of this shame, he feels inadequate to be a spiritual leader in his home.

We talked about this, and I reminded him that if one must be blameless to be a leader, there would be no one to lead. Every one of us can name a broken life area that could “disqualify” us for leadership if we let it. Every great leader in history had (has) some dark parts in their life that could hold them back, if they allowed that to happen.

I think we all understand how this client feels. Yet, we cannot let feelings of shame get in the way of doing the things we can, indeed must, do. I reminded him of the mantra- “do, then feel”. When we go ahead and do the things we need to do, we begin to feel better. We cannot wait to feel better about ourselves before we take on those duties.

This client is a good man, an overcomer, a fine husband and father, but his shame pulls him back and restrains him. I pray that he can see himself the way that God sees him- forgiven and important to those around him.

I pray that for all of us.  

Prayer: Lord, help us see the power of your immense forgiveness, Amen

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.                                Ephesians 3:1-6 (The Message)

I was speaking with a client recently who is facing jail time for an offense he deeply regrets. He related that he has trouble understanding why God loves him, especially since he feels so totally unlovable.

We talked further about his history of feeling inadequate and not being able to fit in with others. I talked with him about the fact that many people struggle with understanding why the holy, omnipotent God of the universe would love us. I explained that there is a difference in acceptance versus understanding. We can accept that God loves us, even when we don’t understand it.

I gave him an example of being a father, which he and I both are. I asked him if it gives him joy to know that his children know that he loves them. When we know that our children are secure in our love for them, we feel good. It gives fathers joy to know that their kids are secure in their father’s love. How much more joy does it give to God when we acknowledge his love for us?  

Prayer: Father, what a plan you have for your children, Amen

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free                                                                                         John 8:32 (KJV)

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves…”                                Viktor E. Frankl

I talked in the past about the spiritual element in our human nature which gives meaning to our life. As I discussed, all spheres of the human experience ideally should be addressed when we are in counseling. I also understand, and completely agree, that the client will direct where they want to go in the counseling process. The client, in coordination with the counselor, sets the goals of treatment. My job as counselor is to help guide that path, honoring the destination that the client wants.

A few years ago, I had a client who told me right from the start that she wanted no part of a spiritual discussion in counseling, after I had discussed my general theoretical approach. Of course, I honored that request, and we proceeded several sessions, discussing her depression, and some of the lifestyle choices that she shared that were her attempts at finding some joy and pleasure in her depressed state of mind.  

One time, early in a subsequent session she said that she felt that something was missing in her life, and she could not get her hands on what it was. There was a void that she could not fill. I asked her about her earlier request to not bring spiritual values into the counseling. I told her that I wanted to continue to honor her request, but without at least exploring that part of her life, we may not make the progress she would want.

The client agreed to the idea of discussing her spiritual values and beliefs, and how that influenced her life and decisions. Our discussions became deeper and more thoughtful. She opened up about some very difficult past experiences with religion that had wounded her. The counseling took a better turn, and opened up for the client some resources that she said she wanted to consider more fully.

I bring this up to demonstrate that without a holistic approach, paying attention to our inner being and our behavioral responses to that, progress is usually hindered. Indeed, I am not saying by any means that clients must adopt my belief system. I do think that it is necessary for people to be completely honest with themselves about what they do believe, or do not believe, and that such truth will set them free. Then the choices that we make can be with our full ownership and acceptance of the consequences.

Prayer: Thank you for the meaning you set in our soul and life, Amen