As I write this, I am on a vacation with my family -my wife, kids, grandkids, and the new spouse of my grandson. We are all under one roof- and we cherish this time together.  Family is to be cherished. I look at the little things of this week- time spent in the evening playing cards, then talking into the night about family history and experiences. Cooking dinner together, singing songs from the curated playlist, falling into an old movie and laughing until it hurts.

I was talking with my daughter, who is collaborating on this blog, about the best parts of being together. We decided that unquestioned love and acceptance is primary. We are each other’s biggest fans. No family is perfect, and of course ours is no exception, but we love each other, we respect one another, and we assume the best motives of one another. We are blessed beyond measure, and we are grateful that we can have such times together. Time with family does not last forever. Our job is to enjoy these precious times while they last.

This next section was written by my daughter, keeping alive a writing tradition begun some 30 years ago when Jennie first co-authored a blog with me. Part of a family tradition…

The newest addition (by marriage) to our family asked an intriguing question while we were all sitting on the beach, feet in the sand: “How did your kids become so fearless?” He didn’t mean daredevil-like fearlessness, he meant brave and adventurous in life in general. I guess I never really thought about my kids as being fearless but it is true that they have spread their wings to places around the world for school and work; they have blazed new trails, undaunted by new people, new cultures, new language, and new food. I credit years of taking small steps towards experiencing new things, especially traveling and taking a chance on a job far from home. I credit finding balance in everyday life between always being together and giving each other space to explore.

There is a new appreciation for our family when we watch them try new things or stretch from their comfort zone. Our family may not have Sunday dinner together every week, but we watch each other thrive in ways we could have never imagined. We are strategic about phone calls, minding the vast time zone differences, and we stay connected in the family group chat, aptly named after the beach we come to each year. We celebrate successes and support through the disappointments; we know the strength of our love for one another does not rest just on our physical proximity.

Sometimes the greatest love we can offer someone is the freedom to fly…with the ever-present reminder that home is wherever you want it to be. The times we share being physically together are precious but not more precious than knowing that being in the same room is not a prerequisite to feel one another’s extraordinary love.

Family…

All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn’t, and doesn’t, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end.                         Romans 5:20-21 (The Message)

I recently met with a client who deals with the shame of addictions. In fact, he has carried this shame with him like a dark cloak for many years. It is sad for so many reasons, not the least of which is that he experienced trauma from about age eight from a father who was a sexual predator.

The client is an overcomer who has worked very hard at dealing with addictions, but periodic relapses ignite his shame to new levels. Because of this shame, he feels inadequate to be a spiritual leader in his home.

We talked about this, and I reminded him that if one must be blameless to be a leader, there would be no one to lead. Every one of us can name a broken life area that could “disqualify” us for leadership if we let it. Every great leader in history had (has) some dark parts in their life that could hold them back, if they allowed that to happen.

I think we all understand how this client feels. Yet, we cannot let feelings of shame get in the way of doing the things we can, indeed must, do. I reminded him of the mantra- “do, then feel”. When we go ahead and do the things we need to do, we begin to feel better. We cannot wait to feel better about ourselves before we take on those duties.

This client is a good man, an overcomer, a fine husband and father, but his shame pulls him back and restrains him. I pray that he can see himself the way that God sees him- forgiven and important to those around him.

I pray that for all of us.  

Prayer: Lord, help us see the power of your immense forgiveness, Amen

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.                                Ephesians 3:1-6 (The Message)

I was speaking with a client recently who is facing jail time for an offense he deeply regrets. He related that he has trouble understanding why God loves him, especially since he feels so totally unlovable.

We talked further about his history of feeling inadequate and not being able to fit in with others. I talked with him about the fact that many people struggle with understanding why the holy, omnipotent God of the universe would love us. I explained that there is a difference in acceptance versus understanding. We can accept that God loves us, even when we don’t understand it.

I gave him an example of being a father, which he and I both are. I asked him if it gives him joy to know that his children know that he loves them. When we know that our children are secure in our love for them, we feel good. It gives fathers joy to know that their kids are secure in their father’s love. How much more joy does it give to God when we acknowledge his love for us?  

Prayer: Father, what a plan you have for your children, Amen

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free                                                                                         John 8:32 (KJV)

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves…”                                Viktor E. Frankl

I talked in the past about the spiritual element in our human nature which gives meaning to our life. As I discussed, all spheres of the human experience ideally should be addressed when we are in counseling. I also understand, and completely agree, that the client will direct where they want to go in the counseling process. The client, in coordination with the counselor, sets the goals of treatment. My job as counselor is to help guide that path, honoring the destination that the client wants.

A few years ago, I had a client who told me right from the start that she wanted no part of a spiritual discussion in counseling, after I had discussed my general theoretical approach. Of course, I honored that request, and we proceeded several sessions, discussing her depression, and some of the lifestyle choices that she shared that were her attempts at finding some joy and pleasure in her depressed state of mind.  

One time, early in a subsequent session she said that she felt that something was missing in her life, and she could not get her hands on what it was. There was a void that she could not fill. I asked her about her earlier request to not bring spiritual values into the counseling. I told her that I wanted to continue to honor her request, but without at least exploring that part of her life, we may not make the progress she would want.

The client agreed to the idea of discussing her spiritual values and beliefs, and how that influenced her life and decisions. Our discussions became deeper and more thoughtful. She opened up about some very difficult past experiences with religion that had wounded her. The counseling took a better turn, and opened up for the client some resources that she said she wanted to consider more fully.

I bring this up to demonstrate that without a holistic approach, paying attention to our inner being and our behavioral responses to that, progress is usually hindered. Indeed, I am not saying by any means that clients must adopt my belief system. I do think that it is necessary for people to be completely honest with themselves about what they do believe, or do not believe, and that such truth will set them free. Then the choices that we make can be with our full ownership and acceptance of the consequences.

Prayer: Thank you for the meaning you set in our soul and life, Amen

I cannot sleep until you act. I am too distressed even to pray!I keep thinking of the good old days of the past, long since ended.  Then my nights were filled with joyous songs. I search my soul and meditate upon the difference now                                                                                                                                                          Psalm 77:4-6

I was speaking recently with a client who has chronic anxiety, and he told me that he spends a lot of time thinking about the past. He finds this comforting, and it also affords him the peace of not thinking about his current anxieties. We discussed the fact also that when he remembers the past, it is with a sort of “rosy lens” which somewhat distorts the reality of what that past may really have been like.

I assured the client that thinking nostalgically about the past is very common, and indeed helpful in some ways because of the comfort it may bring. Why do you think the Andy Griffith Show remains popular now over 60 years since its first broadcast?

Thinking about the past conjures up some warm memories for many, and it is also highly predictable. No surprises, typically, as we go over some old comforting themes and memories. I also discussed the idea also that while visiting the past is enjoyable and comforting, we can’t live there. Yes, we can visit there, we just can’t live there.

Indeed, the word nostalgia comes from the Greek as a compound word, with the sense of both “homecoming” and “pain”. Probably coined from the homesickness of that famous traveler, Ulysses.

So, reveries of the past are great- I enjoy it a lot as I get older- but we can’t get lost there. The present is too important to leave for very long.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the capacity we have to fondly remember our past. Give us the courage and strength to face our present and future with confidence, Amen.

“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”

Samuel Johnson

Funny how we yearn for “normal” when our sense of “normal” has been disrupted. So often, I talk with people who have had major stresses, such as physical ailments, relationship problems, employment issues- you name it. When those events change the normal routines to which we have become accustomed, we yearn for a return to normal- a return to what we know, the things that are soothing and give comfort to us. Even enjoyable vacations get to a point where we just want to get home and “return to our normal routines”.

I suppose the corollary of this is that we may not appreciate “normal” when we have it. In other words, we can feel bored, or under stimulated with the “same things day after day”. We all establish our own sense of normal, and even people who live in somewhat of a chronic stressful situation can eventually come to see their daily lives as normal to them.

So, I guess that when we are in our daily routines, we probably should be thankful for those comforting habits. I admit that I default to that a lot. I like my routines, which give me a sense of control and predictability. Nothing wrong with that, I think. I am remembering to be grateful for such mundane routines that I have established.

In fact, gratitude should always be one of those habits.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the little daily things that make “normal” for us, Amen

to take a fresh breath and to let God renew your attitude and spirit.                                           Ephesians 4:23 (The Voice)

I was talking with a client recently and she talked about “coping” with certain situations. I asked if I could help her see that another word might work better. I suggested that she talk about “managing” those issues rather than coping with them. Why is that important? Well, I think words matter, and even nuances like the difference between “coping” and “managing” can mean a lot.   

The word coping tends to be a passive word, like “enduring”. While coping with problems or chronic situations can be considered a good thing, I think that it implies a certain passivity or maybe even a sense of helplessness.

Managing a situation, however, implies a sense of control. It says “There are things that I can do or that I am now doing that can help me in this situation.” Managing does not mean alleviating necessarily. It does however give a sense of power and control, even if we cannot completely change the outcome.

One does not think about saying “I am coping with my diabetes” (at least I hope not). One does say “I am managing my diabetes to keep it under better control.” The same is true with anxiety and depression. Yes, there is a sense of making peace with the idea that we need help with these conditions, but then we do the things we need to do. We manage them through therapy, medication, exercise, spiritual and social connections, and developing a support team.

The words we use to explain our situation may indicate some hidden feelings about what is happening. Thinking in terms of behaviors that we can do to better take control of the things that are causing us pain is a more helpful way to look at those things.

Prayer: Lord, give us the discernment to see that we can change the way we look at problems, Amen.

I thank my God every time I remember you…                                                                                   Philippians 1:3

I happened to look at my dashboard for Reflections of a Counselor today, and, lo and behold, this is post #2000! I knew I was approaching that mark, but today is the day. So, thanks are in order for all of my faithful followers, from all around the world. I can see on that dashboard where my readers “click on” from, listed by city and country. I am gratified by your consistent faithful following!

Last evening, my wife and I were traveling and we happened onto a little restaurant late in the evening after a long day in the car. The young man came up to us as we peered in at the menu posted on the window. We were trying to decide on a light meal before we checked into the hotel.

The young man came outside and asked if he could help. He was kind and thoughtful as we finally decided what we wanted. He was just one of the helpful and kind people we have encountered on our trip. We try to look for name tags (my wife is especially good at this) so that we can call people by name. They always appreciate the smile, the use of their name, and, of course, a generous tip.

We can make a person’s day by just those little affirmations. It is so easy to do, but sometimes in our hustle and bustle, we neglect those small graces.

So, this evening, I do not want to forget my faithful readers. Without you, there would be no www.reflectionsofacounselor.com. So, thank you, and keep reading!

Blessings,

John

If you feel pain, then you’re alive. If you feel other people’s pain, you’re a human being.

Leo Tolstoy

There is a great deal of discussion these days about the value of the virtue called empathy. Indeed, any virtue taken to an extreme could probably be considered a vice. However, I am going to land on the side of risking that empathy must be explored and exercised much more deeply in our current culture.

To that end, I would suggest that empathy is a verb. I know, it is technically a noun, but for me, to paraphrase a quote often attributed to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “silence in the face of evil is complicity”. Therefore, to feel empathy and do nothing about it feels wrong to me.

I am thinking about the atrocities around the world to which we have apparently become inured. The vicious invasion of Ukraine by Vladimir Putin- an adjudicated war criminal- continues and is nearing its three-and-a-half-year mark.

To date, that war has produced over 1.4 million soldier casualties (killed or wounded) on both sides. There have been over 50,000 Ukrainian civilian casualties, both figures according to the U.S. based Center for Strategic and International Studies. Many thousands of those casualties have been caused because civilian targets have been a priority in this awful conflict.

So, empathy, -indeed humanity- says that we must speak out about this, and then do what we can to help people who are suffering and dying. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of suffering people in this world. Yet the suffering of this war is so needless, so senseless. It is the result of one man’s desire for empire and glory. Deliberate causation of human suffering is… evil.

I felt the need to speak out on this atrocity and, fortunately, I have this small platform to give expression. I am doing what I believe is right and I am compelled to respond. Further, I am donating to causes such as Doctors Without Borders which provides medical help to the places in the world where doctors are needed most.

I am convinced that we are called to respond to crises such as this, and many others as well. I am urging my readers to respond in ways that you feel called to respond, whatever that might be. I would also ask that you consider forwarding this blog so that it may reach others.

We can make a difference by using whatever resources we have at hand.

Let’s do that.

“Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much.”                                                                             Blaise Pascal

“Never underestimate the power of words to heal and reconcile relationships.”                                                                                   H. Jackson Brown

“Your words carry amazing power. So, when you speak make sure you uplift someone and never put them down.”                                                                               Anonymous

“One kind word can change someone’s entire day.”                                                              Anonymous

 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof
Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

Amazing isn’t it, the power that we have? Our words can make someone’s day, or week maybe; and our words can ruin that day, that week- maybe that life. The quotes above are just a few that attest to that power. I think we all know the power that we have in words, yet we often seem so cavalier about how we use our words.

When we are not face-to-face, such as when we are on social media, there seems to be even less attention to the power of words. Because we are at a distance, we may not use the discretion that we would use in face-to-face conversations. I don’t know.

What I do know is that we wield great power with our words. James in the Bible said that the tongue, though small, has great power- much like the little rudder which can change the course of a great ship.

So, I suggest we use that power to affirm others whenever possible. It is the highest use of a great power.

Prayer: Lord, you have gifted us with speech and words, Help us to use them to build others up, Amen