This is a piece I wrote years ago for a newspaper column.It seems to be a good time of year to rerun it. I hope it blesses you!

A word to parents of graduates…

Congratulations on achieving a milestone! Loving and involved parents are perhaps the best indicator of future success for students. Your encouragement and support from early-on in your child’s life sets the tone for a healthy self-image which lasts a lifetime. There is no substitute for unconditional love and acceptance, and the best news of all is that is the legacy you will set for your grandchildren. You can and do influence generations to come!

Allow your kids to dream big, and encourage them to live out their life mission. Remember, it’s their vision, not yours, that will propel them to achieve great things. You have been the “greenhouse” for their nurture and growth, now they can set out to accomplish what they have been equipped to do.

The values that you have inculcated in them will continue to become more prominent as they take on increasing responsibilities of jobs, families, and community involvement. What you have demonstrated in your day-to-day living will be much more significant than what you have taught them. Gradually, they are internalizing values that you have lived. What used to be external motivation is now becoming internal motivation that they have owned.

Your job is not finished by a long shot, because if your relationship with them has been set on solid ground, they will continue to seek your counsel, your support, and your companionship. Be prepared to enjoy this next exciting phase of life for both them and for you.

A word to graduates…

Congratulations on your achievement! Graduation is a milestone achieved through hard work and discipline. Indeed, learning hard work and discipline is the REASON you went to school. The information you learned is less important than the process that you learned. The discipline of delayed gratification, pushing through to the goal when you don’t FEEL like it, and the courage to come back from failure, are the most important tools that you can carry into the future.

I mentioned to your parents that they had a role in your self-image, and I trust that they imparted that to you well. You have the full responsibility of gaining your own self-esteem. I define self-esteem as the feeling you get when you have kept promises to yourself. If you can trust yourself by keeping those small promises that you made to yourself, you will have something that no one can take from you. From this comes confidence, willingness to take risks, and the knowledge that no one else will define who you are.

Finally, if you have not already done so, I hope that you have begun the process of determining your life mission statement. This is comprised of things you already have- namely, a recognition of your God-given talents and strengths; a set of life experiences (small now, but growing) which have helped to shape you; and your passion- what is the thing that you would do in this world even if you never got paid for doing it? Put those elements together, and you come up with the reason that you were put on planet earth. May you live out that mission for the benefit of yourself, and, more importantly, those around you.

 

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD                                                                              Psalm 31:24

A few years ago, as we were completing our time on vacation, I noted to my wife that she had displayed real courage in following through with her long-time desire to snorkel in the Pacific Ocean. This was the perfect, and perhaps last opportunity that she would have to don a snorkel and view the fish and turtles that abound near some islands off Maui’s coast. She had real anxiety about this, but her desire to accomplish this feat overcame her fears.

However, she had to make a conscious decision about this. She had fears, but she decided to overcome them for a greater outcome. Some may believe that courage is the absence of fear. I would say that it is almost the very contrary to that. Courage is recognizing fears, facing them realistically, and deciding to act to overcome them. The real power in courage is the decision to acknowledge the fear, but to act in spite of it.

Often we fail to note the everyday acts of courage that we all perform. Typically, these are acts of emotional courage, where we overcome the fear of social scorn or rejection that may accompany a statement to another person. That risk of saying the kind word, the potential humiliation of saying “forgive me”, or reaching out to ask someone if they are really doing well below the surface smiles. These little acts of courage are rewarded with a sense of accomplishment of having overcome a small fear.

Yes, there are larger acts of physical courage where we may put our body in harm’s way, to some degree, for the greater good of helping another. I think of that especially today, May 8, 2020, the 75^th anniversary of VE Day. We are, and should be, forever grateful for the sacrifices made by so many to help defeat the evil of Nazism. That generation displayed both physical and emotional courage.

Regardless of the type of courage shown, it gives us a great deal of growth to exercise it- that is- to make a decision to overcome fear. For, like a muscle, the more we exercise it, the stronger it gets in our life.

 

Prayer: Thank you Father for your promises of help in times of need, and for the acts of courage we see all around us, Amen.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Matthew 7:7-8

                       

When thinking about this verse, and how to interpret it, I imagine being lost and asking for directions. Yes, it is true, I am a guy, and I do not readily ask for directions when lost. I would rather somehow intuit how to find my way, but that is a reflection for another day!

So, when lost and asking for directions, we need to be trusting of the direction giver, and then we need to follow the directions. I think that Jesus is inviting us to trust him in giving the directions for living a whole and healthy life. He also expects that we would follow those directions if we really want to get where we ultimately want to go. This act of trust is rewarded with his promise that the “ask will be granted, the journey will be successful, and the final destination will be accommodating”.

So, first we get the courage to ask- an act of humility. Meaning, my best efforts to date have gotten me totally lost! I better get some help!

Having gotten the directions, we set out, seeking the destination- an act of faith. If we are good at following the directions, it is often a pretty direct route- one we had not realized before that moment.

Finally, when we get to the destination, we have not quite completed the task. We need to go up to the door and knock to gain entry- an act of courage. After all, it could be the wrong house, or perhaps even the right address, but we could be turned away.

So, to complete the journey, we need to have humility, faith and courage. Jesus calls on us to exercise all of those traits to live the completed life.

Prayer: Thank you for the simple plan of asking for help, and following your directions for success, Amen

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”      John 16:33 

I have been reading a book by Adam Hamilton titled Making Sense of the Bible. On one of the quotes that Hamilton shared, he noted that it was from an old newspaper clipping he had seen but could find no source. The quote is so good I felt the need to share it with my readers…

Suffering is not God’s desire for us, but it occurs in the process of life. Suffering is not given to teach us something, but through it we may learn. Suffering is not given to punish us, but sometimes it is the consequence of our sin or poor judgment. Suffering does not occur because our faith is weak, but through it our faith may be strengthened. God does not depend on human suffering to achieve his purposes, but sometimes through pain, his purposes are achieved. Suffering can either destroy us, or it can add meaning to our life.

During this pandemic, the world is suffering. Indeed, as with nearly all instances of world-wide calamities and disasters, some suffer grievously, and some suffer relatively little. The point is, that all are suffering somehow, and we need not quantify it, nor do we need to explain it. We need to go through it, learn from it, and use those lessons for the benefit of society.   

Prayer: Father, in this time of suffering we look to you as our source of peace. Thank you that you have overcome the troubles of the world, Amen.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command                                              John 15:12-14

 

We have seen in this COVID-19 pandemic some behaviors that are absolutely heroic. Individuals have been profiled who traveled to other states to volunteer their healthcare expertise. Some of them died doing it. Time and again, we hear of first responders who risk their lives daily, and the vast majority are not mentioned by name. Too many to mention. This crisis has brought out the very best in so many people.

However, human behavior is complex, and many people respond in ways that are selfish, and uncaring toward their fellow human beings.

Before Jesus went to his death on the cross, he met with his beloved followers and laid out some beautiful ideas for how we should live. He pointed out that his love for them meant going to a painful death in just a few short hours. He told them that the way they could consider themselves as his friend was to live a life that was “laid down for their friends”.

Laying down our life for our friends does not always mean dying for them. There are many people who do, as mentioned above, and there have been millions of examples throughout the ages of history. But generally, “laying down our life” can simply mean that I will do something out of my way, out of my own comfort, for the benefit of others. Again, we see this all around us, and it is gratifying.

So, I have a simple, humble request. As we all venture out more with social restrictions lessening, please consider the well-being of others. It may not sound heroic, or even that hard, but it is a loving thing to do.

Prayer: I thank you Jesus for having the plan that we can best love you by loving other people, Amen.

I really don’t know how many years ago it was now- probably about 18 years ago- when my friend and mentor Dennis Mikel invited my son and I to go sailing with him on his sailboat on Lake Erie. Denny was an amazing guy. My late friend and mentor passed away several years ago, and I still miss him. I hope this story honors him, and maybe teaches some lessons too.

My son at the time was about 21 years old. The plan was to go up late on a Friday evening, spend the night on the boat, and then have a little cruise on Lake Erie the next day. The weather was supposed to be nice, with some nice breezes on Saturday so that we could get around on the lake. When we arrived Friday night, Denny asked if we would like a little moonlight cruise. We could camp at an island a couple of miles away and spend the night, ready for a nice early start in the morning. We readily agreed.

We started out with a nice breeze, fair skies, and the sun starting to fade in the western sky. It seemed like such a nice evening that we did not notice the growing cloud formations, and the wind kicking up a little. Pretty soon, we realized that there were some flashes of lightning in the sky behind the clouds. “Heat lightning” we suggested. It really didn’t seem that hot, but I comforted myself with that thought. It was not long however before we realized that the lightning was indeed the first warnings of an approaching storm. We were pretty far out into the lake by that time, and we needed to decide whether to return to home port, or go on to our destination. We decided to push on, figuring that the places of safety were probably equidistant.

Interesting fact- I don’t know how to swim.

My first lesson perhaps was this- I was not panic stricken. I had some fear to be sure, but I had a confidence about the situation. Why the confidence? I do not know how to sail, and in fact, I don’t think I had ever been on a sailboat before this. I don’t know how to swim (although later Denny said that if we went overboard in this kind of storm, it might not have made any difference). My confidence was not at all in my abilities or knowledge. My confidence was in the captain. I trusted him, and respected his knowledge and leadership. I figured that Denny would get us through. He was successful in everything he did, I felt, and he was certainly bright and resourceful. I also knew that he trusted God. All those things added up to give confidence to me despite that fact that I was pretty helpless on a boat in the middle of a lake in a storm.

Denny indeed took charge. As the winds whipped up and the rain started to fall, he assigned us our jobs. My son, a fearless athlete, was ready for the challenge. Denny assigned J.P. to rigging duty. Denny, very lithe and agile himself, even at about age 65, would help J.P. on the rigging, climbing forward to trim the sails as needed. They could easily be washed overboard, but Denny knew what he was doing, and J.P. was strong and quick-witted enough to be a great help. Also, they both could swim.

Did I mention that I don’t swim?

Denny assigned me to the rudder. I was to hold us on course as best I could. Understand that it was pitch black and raining, so I did not have any idea as to where to steer this boat. Then Denny gave me the second lesson- steer toward the light. There was a lighthouse on the shore, and all I needed to do was to fix on that light and steer toward it. I said that I could do that, although there was a real learning curve. You see, steering a sailboat in a windstorm is not easy. The rudder has a mind of its own, and one needs to fight the rudder for control. Sometimes the rudder wins.

Just another interesting development was the fact that the boat was now on a permanent 45 degree angle. Denny suggested that we really didn’t want to be at an angle over 45 degrees, and I certainly know that I did not want that either. We had to keep shifting our weight on the boat, and bailing water to try to keep it as level as possible. Through it all, Denny seemed unflappable. I am sure he knew that J.P. and I would pick up on his level of anxiety- and he was right- so he seemed pretty assured of himself. He would give the orders, and J.P. and I would comply as best we could.

Another lesson in leadership- the captain sets the tone for the crew. Leaders are calm and stable or they lose their crew, maybe literally.

Needless to say, we got through the storm. The wind died down, we got the tiny motor started back up (it had gone out for much of the trip) and we started to head for the shore. We just had one more little blip heading into a port when another boat seemed to contest us for the right-of-way in the narrow channel. No real issue there, but I saw another aspect of the captain’s character. Denny admitted that he was not aware of the protocol in that situation, and he was gracious in his deference to the other boat, and to his uncertainty about the procedure. Humility is another important aspect of leadership.

I think the spiritual aspects of this story are self-evident. My confidence comes not from my abilities, but from faith in the captain. I do not need to fear if my faith in the captain is complete. If we have trust in God, what weapon formed against us can prosper?

In the darkest of night, steer toward the light. If there are no other landmarks, the light is still there. In fact, when everything else is the darkest, a little shine shines the brightest by its contrast with the dark.

So, those are my recollections from that weekend. I am still amazed that I had a calm feeling that night that I to this day cannot really explain, but it certainly seems to fit that Biblical injunction that there is a peace that passes understanding.

 

Read Mark 2:23 – 3:6

Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.  So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.”

This passage from the book of Mark is well known, and for the most part, easily understood. Jesus was reacting to the narrow interpretations of the Pharisees who confronted Jesus and his disciples for plucking and eating grain on the Sabbath.

While it is easy to look back, and criticize the Pharisees for their narrow and short-minded interpretations, I am reminded that to do that also makes me a Pharisee. I expect that at least some of those Pharisees were very sincere in their desire to do the right thing. They had been raised and taught that religion consists largely in keeping the rules. There had not been the emphasis on the rest of the scriptures which reminded them to treat the sojourner with mercy and to feed the poor, etc. For them, the rules were paramount – even to the potential detriment to the people for whom the rules were written.

In fact, during the wars of the Maccabees, Jewish rebels who were fleeing from Syrian soldiers, took the Sabbath so seriously that they refused to defend themselves on the Sabbath, for to do so would violate the law. They gave their lives to uphold their strong Sabbath beliefs.

Jesus pointed out to them the folly of their limited understanding. I think we too have limited understanding of God and his plans. The Holy Spirit is the one who enlightens us, and without the Spirit, we also come short and fail to act upon our faith with compassion and light.

Paul said that spiritual things are spiritually discerned (I Cor. 2:14-15). We need that enlightenment every day in order to properly discern the truths that God has for us. I am reminded that without that guidance of the Spirit, I too am a judging Pharisee, who lacks understanding and mercy toward others.

Prayer: Father, forgive us for our failure to see the most obvious things at times. Thank you for your Spirit, and the guidance he brings to all who ask for it, Amen.  

“Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples…”          Read also- Acts 7:54- 8:1, and Acts 9:1-22

We read in these passages that Stephen was stoned for proclaiming the good news of Jesus, and even up to the point of his death, he was testifying of the grace and forgiveness of God. Saul was a willing participant in the death of Stephen, and, as we see in Acts 9:1 he was still a cauldron of seething anger and hatred. Yet even while he was breathing out murderous threats, God was preparing him for an incredible mission for which he alone was suited. Was Saul ready for this work when he was participating in the death of Stephen? How much was Saul affected by the behavior of Stephen as he was being murdered?

I am reminded of Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  

This powerful verse is exemplified in this scenario. Stephen, while dying, gives grace and forgiveness to his persecutors. Saul, while in the midst of rage and blind hatred, is being chosen by God for a special mission, and total forgiveness of his murderous sins.

Saul’s rage may actually have been intensified by seeing Stephen’s strong faith and supernatural grace in his gruesome death. This is called “conviction”. Saul was being deeply affected by Stephen’s behavior, and he was chosen by God soon after that event to have a life transformation. We are ready for life transformation when the hard shell of our defenses gets cracked by events that refute those beliefs. The Spirit rang true to Saul at the time when Jesus chose to manifest himself to Saul on the road to Damascus.

What are the legacies that we leave to those around us? How many great things are in store for the world if we simply choose to display grace under fire? Only God knows, and that should be all we care about.

Prayer: Father, we do not know the legacies we leave by our current decisions and actions. Give us grace and strength to be the models for those we do not yet know, Amen. 

 

 Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”  Then the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?” “A staff,” he replied…             Exodus 4:1-2

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”                                                                      Deuteronomy 31:6

This analogy from Moses’ encounter with God at the burning bush is a great metaphor for mental health approaches to anxiety. Moses, fearful of the huge mission God was sending him on, pleaded that he was overwhelmed and overmatched for the task.  God replied to him, “What’s in your hand?” The implication was that Moses had what he needed already with him.  He was equipped to handle the daunting task which caused him fear and anxiety.

We have in our hands tools to deal with anxiety. As stated in an earlier reflection, anxiety is an ever present foe, a traveling partner if you will, that we all carry with us. But we also carry the tools to deal with it. Anxiety would lead us to believe that we are overmatched- that eventually, we are doomed to some frightful experience or event that may even kill us. Panic attacks are examples of this. However, even regular everyday anxiety is like that little self-destructive force that seeks our destruction. But we have tools in our hand to deal with it. We have ways to control anxiety, and just knowing that we have the tools is half the battle.

First, we breathe. We hit the “pause button” and take control of irrational thoughts that threaten to overwhelm us. We take voluntary control over an involuntary bodily function, our breathing. A 4-second slow inhale through our nose, and a slow 7-second exhale through our mouth just a few times will slow us down and give us control of our body. This also helps to blow off more carbon dioxide which builds up as our bodies gear up for the fight that it feels is coming.

Next, we pray. Prayer, as discussed earlier, is not just for God to change our situation. It is to give us the strength, assurance, and renewed mind so that WE can control our own behaviors in response to this invisible threat we perceive.

Then we develop an “exit strategy”. Hopefully, this is something that we have considered before we are in the immediate high anxiety situation. That strategy involves developing a list of everyday things we can do when faced with what we feel are overwhelming thoughts and fears. It includes any and all behaviors that we can use to take back control. It can be as mundane as going to get a drink of water; taking a brief walk; calling a friend; picking up a book or magazine; citing a bible verse that is meaningful; doing some push-ups. In other words, it can be anything that we have earlier decided are activities that WE CAN DO to take back control.

The beauty of this is that just knowing that such a list exists takes away some pressure, and reassures us that we can do something, and anxiety will not overwhelm us.

Finally, at the end of the list- way down on it- is the “drastic step”. That is the step that is completely unlikely to be used, but could be if all else fails. That could be like, “Well, if worse comes to worse, I could go to the emergency room. I would be treated there and they could help me”. Again, just knowing that there is always a solution to every problem, which is key to mental health, is reassuring and soothing.

We do have what we need in our hand. We often just need to be reminded that it is there.

Prayer: Father, thank you for the plan that we can regulate ourselves when we know that you are always there, and that we are not alone. Thank you for the tools you have built into us, Amen.

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your    life?  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.   Matthew 6:25-34

So, I read these comforting words from the Sermon on the Mount, and I say, those are lovely words. Who can really do that? You know, don’t worry. Anxiety is part of the human condition. That is why Jesus even addressed the subject. We tend to worry, some people a lot more than others, but, we worry. Especially these days. Worry is the background music to everyday life right now.

Worry is a bit different from anxiety in that anxiety tends to be more pervasive in its debilitating effects on us. Anxiety is typically an irrational fear that is based upon some real events. Those events are just taken up a notch (or ten) based upon how our mind takes it to those levels. Our mind races to places that are beyond likely outcomes. Anxiety then takes on a mind of its own, and it becomes our worst enemy.

Whenever we have worry or anxiety, we tend to try to put on more controls around us. It is a natural response to fear. The more anxiety is present, the more we try to control things.  We hear people talk about “that person is a real control freak…”  The truth is, we are ALL control freaks. The gift, the solution, is to be able to know what we CAN control, and what we CANNOT control. So, the first tool to use is to be aware of what is going on with me as I experience a potential threatening event. Then we can start to apply rational tools to sometimes irrational thinking. I will be discussing this more in upcoming reflections. Till then, the first rule is this. Intentionally-

B-R-E-A-T-H-E

Then, when you have gained control of a process (breathing) which is both voluntary and involuntary, you have taken the first step in dealing with anxiety. Ultimately, control what you can control, then pray about the rest. More ideas coming in the next few days.

Prayer: Lord, you have instructed us in how to deal with worry, and it is dependence upon your provision. You have control when we do not. Help us to remember that as we breathe our prayers to you, Amen.