We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us…                                                             Romans 12:6

I recently listened to a podcast featuring Dr. Elizabeth Orr, speaking about the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a testing tool and explanation system that helps people understand how they view and interact with the world around them. The Enneagram has become much more popular in recent years, largely due to social media. It has become a topic of conversation by many Christians who accept this as a way of seeing how we can better understand ourselves and others.

I am no expert on the Enneagram, but I do find it interesting. One of the big advantages of such tools, like the Myers-Briggs, StrengthFinder and Enneagram, is to see them as a vehicle of self-compassion. When we can learn and accept how we are wired, and how we see the world, we can then see that as how God made us differently, but also masterfully.

We can experience and accept that our “wiring” is just how God planned us, and that no “wiring” is better than another- just different. We can also see that others perceive the world in a different way than we do.

That is a good thing to celebrate.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the diversity of gifts you have endowed us with, Amen

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,
  I will be exalted in the earth.

 Psalm 46:10

MOntana 1-6002. That was my phone number when I was growing up in Cincinnati, Ohio. That’s how we used to do it. No area code. The MO were the letters associated with numbers on the rotary phone. You see a rotary phone…

No, I will not go into the weeds with that. You either know that or you don’t. If you don’t, you missed out on some interesting times from the “wayback machine”. You see the wayback machine… Never mind.

Our understanding of phones now is light years away from the 1957 version of phones. Back then, we were on a party line. So, if Mrs. Mangold was on the phone with her friend (and when wasn’t she?) you had to wait to use the phone until she was finished with her stories. Yes, I might have listened in on a few stories, but they were not very interesting, and I was usually upset that I could not talk to my friends if she was hogging the phone line.

Today, phones are so ingrained into our lives that we are never more than an arm’s length away from one- literally. I have come to the point that if I am not otherwise occupied with something for more than a few minutes, I am reaching for the phone to scroll ESPN, or Facebook, or some other distraction because my brain is always looking for stimulation.

No, that is not progress my friends. It has become part of my routine, and it is not always the best thing to do. Because instead of just experiencing life moment by moment, relishing the peace of no distractions, I find myself looking for some kind of stimuli.  

Yes, it can be helpful when I cannot remember the name of that actor in that movie we saw a few weeks ago. I just look it up, and my memory, which is not as good as it used to be, is suddenly enhanced by the miracle of the hand-held internet.

Yes, technology is amazing, and I am not technology averse. Technology is great, as long as it does not rob us of the peace of just living in the moment with no external distractions.

Prayer: Lord, help us to experience the joy of peace in a quiet moment, Amen

 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.                                                            Ephesians 5:29-33 (The Message)

In putting together a workshop on partner counseling, I came up with a few things I will share with my readers…

I like to approach all my counseling work from a strengths-based perspective. We all have gifts and strengths from birth, and we exercise those strengths in our daily life and relationships. The very strengths and gifts which draw people to their partners are the very ones that drive each other crazy some years later. Aren’t we just a confounding creation?

We need to give hope to couples who are seeking our help. They may have lost hope for their relationship, but we as counselors can offer them hope for a better life and relationship.

Humor can deflect escalating tensions in relationships. We need to be able to laugh at our own foibles and quirks.

As much as possible, we as counselors need to affirm our clients, recognize their work, and tell them that we know the counseling process is sometimes not easy, but it is worth it.

Just some thoughts for today from a counselor’s perspective.

Prayer: Lord, give strength to relationships that are struggling at this time, Amen

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.                                Proverbs 15:1 (Living Bible)

I was recently talking with a couple who are trying to enhance their relationship. They are a delightful couple, but both are prone to a quick temper at times. Their words to one another can become harsh and cutting. Both are bright and articulate, and both feel the need for control.

In other words, they are kind of a normal couple. They are open to changes and they are responding well to the homework I give them. I have spoken to them about a “kindness filter”. That is, we all exercise our brain’s prefrontal cortex in which we find our social filters. In social settings, we typically use the filter of determining what is a socially acceptable response. Thank God that we have such a filter, for that is what gives us social order and civility.

I challenged this couple to exercise that filter while at home with one another. I had asked them if they would treat co-workers or friends in the same manner that they treat one another at times.  Both agreed that, no, they will treat co-workers and friends with more respect and grace than they do one another at times.

They love one another, and they are committed to one another. They agreed to try using their “kindness filter” at home with one another. Yes, the idea is simple, but the execution of it is not easy. It takes self-awareness and discipline, as well as practice, to get the behavior into a habit.  What a joy it is to see this couple working hard and treating one another with the “kindness filter.”

They are not perfect at it, of course, but it is working.

Prayer: Lord, help us to be graceful in our speech to all we encounter, Amen

A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.                                                                                                       Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 (The Message)

I spoke with a client recently who has experienced a series of losses in the past couple of years. She has lost both parents, and now she is experiencing “empty nest” with her kids moving out of the house for college and careers.

I talked with her about grieving losses, and not just death, but any type of loss. As she is getting through the grieving, I talked with her about those losses, and the need to start looking at adding some things in her life. The losses are real and painful, and we must acknowledge them. At the same time, we need to start, at some point, looking for things to add into our life. These additions are not “replacements.” They are attempts to grow into a new season.  

I talked with her about looking into some learning opportunities as well as some safe outreaches into new social settings. The challenge is to look for some new things to stimulate us. We are made to be curious and we look for stimulation. When we have a loss, there needs to be a new infilling- a healthy addition into our lives.

These things are not replacements, they are new opportunities to grow.

Prayer: Lord, help us to find the rhythm of loss and addition that keeps us healthy, Amen

Hear my prayer, O God;
    listen to the words of my mouth.                                                                              Psalm 54:2

How often can we summarize how we pray into something like the following – “Lord help me, and Lord, change those who are causing pain and hurt”. Nothing wrong with asking God for help, and nothing wrong with praying for changes that may be helpful in the world. But such praying might also kind of miss the mark.

I was thinking the other day, what if we reversed the prayer- “Lord, help others, and change me”. I think that we essentially pray in order to have God help change our own thinking about situations. We also pray in intercession for others. We do not have control over the behavior of others, but we can ask God to help them. We can also ask God to change our own attitudes about things.

So, like so many other things in the spiritual realm, when we think somewhat contrary to our conventional considerations, we get a new perspective of how God works. So, instead of “Lord, help me and change others”, we pray “Lord, change me, and help others”.

Prayer: Lord, change me and help others, Amen

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.                                               Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)

My apologies to my friends in Ireland, Sweden, Germany, Portugal, Canada and other countries around the world. First, my heartfelt thanks for being regular consumers of this blog. I appreciate you! My apologies, because I am going to speak today about American political ads.

In short, the political ads are uniformly ridiculous, divisive, and largely, at least to me, completely ineffective. That said, they will continue to be aired ad nauseum until the election in November. I am sure that I am not the only voter who is tired of such negativity. Most voters have long ago decided which candidate they will be voting for (or against), and the ads have zero effect on most voters.

Secondly, the ads seem to treat voters like they are completely unintelligent, and that said voters will be moved somehow by baseless and usually largely untrue characterizations of opposing candidates.

Finally, such negativity breaks down the sense of decency and civility that might still exist in the population. People do not generally want to be pandered to, nor do they want to be subject to the shameless spins and lies that the ads are based upon.

So, to my dear international readers- please do not judge Americans on the ads that our politicians run. If you see one, ignore it. Your life will be better if you never see another American political ad.

Prayer: Lord, help us all to remain positive in a negative environment, Amen

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.                       John Wesley

I enjoy learning new things- just for the sake of learning. I thought recently, yes, we accumulate a lot of knowledge over our lifetime, but when we die, it is all gone. That is, unless we are sharing it- giving it away- along the way. We accumulate a whole lot of things during our lifetime. We spend a large part of our life earning money so that when get older, and we are no longer able to earn much money, we can live reasonably comfortably.

Many people acquire much more than they can ever use. We have all seen the homes of hoarders who, due to some perceived psychological need, accumulate so much stuff that they barely have room to move.  

While I am not a hoarder, I do like to collect baseball memorabilia and books. Those things give me some joy and comfort. My office is cozy, and while not overcrowded, it is covered with baseball pictures, and has a back wall lined with bookcases. So, collecting stuff can be fun, comforting, enjoyable- one of life’s little pleasures.

But our knowledge, and our wisdom, accumulated over our lifetime, is meant to be given away. Further, our resources- time and money, should also be given away as much as we can reasonably do. Hanging on to the resources beyond what we truly need is not the way we were meant to do things.   

To recall John Wesley’s quote from above-

  Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.

That is a good life philosophy.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the opportunity to have enough resources to give some away to others, Amen

I spoke with a client recently who was recounting to me her experience in getting an MRI. I’m sure many of my readers are familiar with the MRI machine, a narrow tube which gives excellent images of the body for diagnostic purposes. The bad news is- it is a narrow tube.

Many people feel confined and claustrophobic in such an environment. This induces terror into some people who feel that they cannot deal with such a situation given the anxiety that it triggers.

I recently talked about this with a client who had experienced an early trauma where she had been pinned down and molested as a young girl. The idea of confinement in this long tube was frightening. It was a trauma trigger. Fortunately, she was given an exit strategy. If she simply squeezed the ball she had been given, that would signal to the staff that she needed help.

This reassured the client such that she was able to undergo the procedure with no mishaps, and she did not even need to squeeze the ball.  Why did this work? Because she had been given an exit strategy. She did not need to use it, but knowing it was there if she needed it made all the difference.

This was a great example of the anxiety tool kit that I talk with my clients about. Just knowing there is help, or a way out, makes all the difference. The idea that we have some control in an anxiety producing situation gives us what we need to get through the anxiety.

Even if we never have to use it.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us many tools to ease our anxiety. Thank you for your provision, Amen

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.                                                                                           Psalm 46:1

That phrase always leads to a story, so here is a story!

When I was young (yes, there was a time), I was involved in a rollover car wreck. I was 22 years old, and in my 1969 Rambler American. I had with me two young women. All three of us were in the front bench seat of the car. For those familiar with a Rambler American, it was a compact car. It was also a pretty generic and modest vehicle, fit for economy in all ways. Comfort or style? – not so much.

By the way, the young women in the car were my girlfriend, (now my wife of 51+ years), Deb, and her best friend Valerie. Of course, Deb was comfortably close to me in the front seat, and Valerie was perhaps not so comfortably sitting next to the passenger side door. We were, however, enjoying our ride from Oxford, Ohio to Dayton, Ohio.

That evening, it was raining, and the frugal owner of the car had managed to neglect the fact that the tires were in need of replacement. Money was tight, always, and tires cost maybe $25 or $30 apiece! I mean, whitewalls and steel belted radials were out of the question. But I digress- the tires were pretty bald.

As we approached a curve on a country road near Gratis, Ohio, I was going too fast for weather conditions (did I mention that I was 22 years old and had two young women in the car?). The nearly inevitable accident happened when I ran up the side of an embankment and the car seemed to stop and then slowly roll over.

So, here we are, upside down in the middle of a country road, rain coming down, not a light within sight, and on a curve where any car coming around the bend would easily smash into our helpless Rambler, which was sitting like a stranded turtle.

So here is the part where God does things for us that we can’t do for ourselves. As we sat in the car crawling around in the car’s interior (of course we did not have seat belts on), the next car that came upon us was the Preble County Sheriff. He ensured that traffic was stopped, helped us out of the car (which for all we knew might explode or erupt in flames), and took care of three scared and bewildered college kids.

Injuries were remarkably minimal. Valerie had a cut on her knee, Deb had a few bumps and scrapes, and I had some slivers of glass in my eyes from the shattered windshield. Valerie’s boyfriend from Dayton came and took us to Miami Valley Hospital where we were treated in the Emergency Room and released.

We often look back on this story as a provision from God that could literally have saved our lives. Often such interventions happen and we are not even aware of God’s provision for us.

This is one of those times that it was pretty obvious.

Prayer: Thank you, Lord for your presence in times of need, Amen