Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

In having a discussion the other day with a client who has heightened anxiety due to the presence of COVID-19 in the past year, I recognized symptoms of grief. My clients who suffer from anxiety have been particularly hard hit by the confounding effects of COVID. It also dawned on me that collectively, as a society, we are grieving.

We are grieving losses that we experienced due to the presence of the Coronavirus, but we are also grieving another loss- what could have been. The things that we missed due to COVID. We are at times sad, angry, and feeling helpless about our current state. In the absence of a tangible villain, we often lash out at one another. The increases in violence over the past year have been well documented, as well as being truly inexplicable rationally.   We have a collective sense of grief, but we have no specific common loss to mourn.  

Indeed, many people have lost loved ones directly as a result of COVID-19. I know several who have perished. However, for the most part, it is not the loss of a friend or family member to the disease as much as our loss of freedom, and our lost sense of control.

So, in a sense, we are all, in some ways, grieving certain losses. Perhaps just understanding that we all have experienced SOME kind of loss can get us into a more empathic approach to dealing with our collective grief.

Maybe that is the common bond that can unite us just a little better these days.

Prayer: Lord, help us to mourn with those who mourn- all of us, Amen

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

 As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

Psalm 103:8-13

One of the homework assignments that I often give to clients is to read Psalm 103. This Psalm is so reassuring of God’s love for us, and it is especially important for people who grew up with an idea of God as an angry, distant, judging father.

My favorite passage in this Psalm is about God being the father who has “compassion on his children”. The King James version has a lovely translation- “he pities us like little children”. The picture given to me by a friend years ago is that of a father beckoning his toddler, just learning to walk, to come to him. The father knows that the child will probably fail time and again, but he continues to be on his knee, encouraging the child and beckoning her forward. The father does not chastise the child for falling, indeed, he knows that the child is just that, a learning child who will fail time and again in order to learn to walk.

So, our heavenly father is that. A loving father who would have us learn to walk to him, knowing that we will fail often, but that our ultimate destination is the father.

That, I think is the intent of this Psalm. Like I tell my clients, read this often, and learn the nature and character of the father who loves you.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for your patience and loving kindness with us, Amen.

 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes                                                                                                                                                                            Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

I spoke to a client recently who has generalized anxiety. This often manifests to her as intrusive thoughts which distract her from her current activity. The distractions can be either external (messy room, clutter) or internal (“I need to be doing this or that before I forget it”, etc.). Both are manifestations of that nagging little voice of anxiety that reminds us that something isn’t right, or something needs to be done- but it is typically never enough. Never enough, that is, to quell the anxious thoughts for very long.

I suggested to her that practical behaviors can help to combat the intrusive thoughts. Often we can’t help that thoughts just pop into our head. Our brains are always at work (thank God). We can however, control our reactions to those thoughts. We can manage, behaviorally, those thoughts which are hard to control.

I suggested to her that she have a scrap of paper, or a pad, next to her computer, and that she write down those thoughts which remind her of things she ought to do- the never ending “Do List” that is often not practical anyway. After all, anxiety is defined as irrational fears, or overreactions to actual reality. When the thought comes that she should be doing something else- a distraction to her current needed work- she write down that thought, whatever it might be, so that she can attend to it on her own manageable time frame. She becomes in control of the process.

This does several things. First, it gives her a sense of control of her behaviors and her own time schedule. Next, it honors the thought by writing it down. She does not need to try to dismiss it (that often does not work), rather, she delegates it to another, more practical time that she controls. She is then not trying to shove thoughts out of her head. She is recognizing them, taking control of when she wants to take care of them, then gets on with her needed task.  In the counseling world, that technique is called “designated worry”.

As I have said before, getting those unwanted thoughts out of our head and on to paper gives us a sense of management. Control is the antidote to worry. The key is to know what we CAN control, and what we CANNOT control.

Prayer: Lord, help us to discern what we can control. The rest we give to you, Amen.

The Christian shoemaker does his duty not by putting little crosses on the shoes, but by making good shoes, because God is interested in good craftsmanship.                                                                                          Martin Luther

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men…”                                                                        Colossians 3:23

I often hear people say, either directly or indirectly, that some professions are more noble than others. This sometimes comes out in the way that people present themselves when asked about how they make their living. Some show a bit of embarrassment if their line of work is not held in high esteem by others. We as a society tend to elevate some career paths over others. Granted, many professional and technical careers take a great deal of study, sacrifice and dedication in order to achieve the position. People who make those great sacrifices ought to be esteemed and honored.

Yet, all professions and careers ought to be honored. All work is worthy and noble if nobly performed. I like Luther’s quote above. We honor God by doing good craftsmanship in whatever we do. Such diligence gives an important message about how God sees us, who God is, and his esteem for us no matter what we do for our job.

Prayer: Lord thank you for the gift of work, noble in your sight, Amen

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.                           Proverbs 22:6

Over the years of my practice, I have seen numerous instances where my client has related that they were not affirmed by their parents. This takes many forms- from outright abuse, to neglect, to simple failure to nurture the dreams of their children.

Again, I am not one to push onto parents all the failures in adulthood that my clients face. We are all aware that even with childhoods that were less than perfect, we still have the choices and opportunities to become successful adults. Of course, clients who have had the trauma of abuse have a terrible burden to overcome, but indeed, many of my clients have overcome in spectacular ways.

However, parents need to recognize that their children have dreams, and often the talent and ambition to back that up. Our job as parents is to help identify those dreams and talents of our children and nurture them any way that we can. Just letting a child know that he/she can achieve their dreams, no matter what they are, is a huge encouragement. It says, “I believe in you!”

Kids look to their parents for validation, in some form, their whole life. Let’s make sure that they do not feel that they have to work hard for our love and affirmation. Just like God loves us right where we are (and He does), we need to clearly convey that to our children regularly. We need to express to them verbally and non-verbally that they can reach their dreams, and that we believe in them.

Prayer: Lord, help us to identify the dreams and gifts of our children and the next generations, and to nurture those dreams, Amen

To trust in, wait for, look for, or desire something or someone; or to expect something beneficial in the future  

-Baker’s Evangelical Dictionary of Biblical Theology

“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.                                                               Isaiah 40:31

 There are multiple ways to look at the concept of hope. The definition above conveys several of those aspects of hope. It is one thing to “wait for” an event with anticipation. It is quite another to trust in that event happening. Then there is the concept of expecting something beneficial, as opposed to wishing that something bad does NOT happen.

All these concepts seem to be embodied in the word “hope”. All of them are true depending on how we use the word.

I like to think that hope is more about a mindset than just a fleeting variable of the moment.

A mindset of hope is based upon our belief in God’s provision and love for us. In that sense, hope is more like the “trust in” part of the definition above.

Isaiah wrote that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”

So, we see that hope is not just a desire, but it is our source of energy, no matter the circumstances we face.

Prayer: Father, you have given us hope, no matter the circumstances. Thank you for this lifeline of how to look at the world, Amen.

Is there any such thing as Christians cheering each other up? Do you love me enough to want to help me? Does it mean anything to you that we are brothers in the Lord, sharing the same Spirit? Are your hearts tender and sympathetic at all?  Then make me truly happy by loving each other and agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, working together with one heart and mind and purpose                         Philippians 2:1-2 (Living Bible)

Funny how I love Physics, but that I struggled so much with it in school. Maybe it’s because now I can read about Physics for enjoyment. Back in school, they were going to test me on that stuff! I still do not really understand Physics that well, but I’m fascinated by it. I find that the principles of Physics are universal, even in relationships.

For example, one of the laws of Physics is that bodies that are at rest tend to stay at rest, and bodies in motion tend to stay in motion. In terms of a relationship, there needs to be energy expended by at least one party in order to maintain the system or to enhance it. There needs to be an input of energy for the system (the relationship) to be maintained.

As we know, at times, we all may be at different energy states. One of the couple may be over-stressed, depressed, etc. If both partners are at a state of low energy, the relationship may suffer. One of the partners needs to infuse some energy to keep the system going and healthy. In order for that infusion of energy to take place, at least one of the partners needs to reach deep for extra energy. Maybe that comes from a spiritual source, or maybe it comes from an extra effort to reach out to the partner to help them through a hard time. At any rate, it takes a decision, usually a selfless decision, to find that energy, then infuse it into the relationship.

I’m not talking about major events here. I’m simply talking about a reach out to show care and concern for the partner- affirming statements, showing concern for the well-being of your partner. The effort of taking initiative to reach outside of one’s self is the magic energy that can restore the system to health and balance.

Prayer: Lord, give us the energy and the insight to care for those whom we love, even when our own energy is low, Amen

Daring to set boundaries is about the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others

Brene Brown

Yesterday I talked about the book Boundaries and the helpful concepts that Cloud and Townsend addressed in that classic book. One of those concepts comes from the “10 Laws of Boundaries” that they list in the book. That law is the “Law of Exposure”.

People may struggle with actually articulating their boundaries. There can be many reasons for this. Some of us grew up with the idea that we really did not have a right to let others know of our needs or desires. Some maybe assumed that others would dictate the rules in the relationship. Others may have felt that to articulate our needs and desires would turn people away from us, and that we would be rejected. There are many variations on this theme, and the reasons are not always clear and discrete. Often though, we may feel that setting a relational boundary will somehow result in a loss of that relationship.

The “Law of Exposure” is pretty straightforward. People cannot respect our boundaries if they do not know what they are. We owe it to others in our relational sphere to let them know what our needs and expectations are in a relationship. Others cannot read our minds, even though, at times, we may be unconsciously be expecting that from them.  

So, we have the right and the responsibility to let other people know what we need and want. That does not mean that others must fulfill those needs and wants. It is just an honest communication of our heart in the relationship.

Prayer: Lord, you have made us relational people. Help us to speak those truths about ourselves to others in a clear and loving way, Amen

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off big-time, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.                                                                                                                                                                            From Hebrews 12 (The Message)

Many years ago Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote a book titled Boundaries. It became a best seller, mostly because it was a really good book! In it, they gave a number of principles about setting good boundaries in our life. The sub-title of the book, interestingly enough was How to say no without feeling guilty. Yeah, that kind of says it all right? How often do we feel guilty when we need to set limits on others for our own protection- of time, space, finances, etc.

One of the metaphors that they used was the distinction between “hurt” and “harm”. Sometimes, the limits we set on people may cause some hurt. The reason we do that however, is to save from harm. For example, we may set a limit on our availability to accept phone calls or texts after a certain time. This may cause some hurt feelings on those who receive the boundary, but it does them no harm. It also serves to give us the freedom to not get late night communications which are disruptive.

This is a somewhat innocuous example, but it gives an idea of the principle.

I recently had a client who has an adult child living in the home who seems to be ruling the home through manipulative behavior. This young person needs clear and direct boundaries, and I am gently moving the parents into a place to hear that setting better boundaries is good for both them and their adult child. Their boundaries will cause this young man no harm, but it may be hurtful to him. He may become upset and angry. I reassured them that he may be hurt (not physically, just inconvenienced) by those boundaries, but he will not be harmed.

We learn from being hurt, but harm causes damage. Sometimes allowing hurt can save people from being harmed.

There are a number of great principles in this book, and over the next several blogs, I will discuss some of them. I encourage you to get the book.

Prayer: Lord, give us wisdom to know good boundaries and to set them forth in love, Amen

“This evil nation is like a man possessed by a demon. For if the demon leaves, it goes into the deserts for a while, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, ‘I will return to the man I came from.’ So it returns and finds the man’s heart clean but empty! Then the demon finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and all enter the man and live in him. And so he is worse off than before.”                                    Matthew 12:43-45

Maybe some moms still use this little phrase to encourage their little ones to clean their plate. My mom, typical of her generation, would remind me that there were starving children in India, and that somehow, my eating all of my food, including the dreaded overcooked spinach, was essential for those poor children. Her point was that I should be grateful that I had food when they did not. She was right in that, but that analogy never seemed to be a great motivator to get me to eat that spinach.

I was reminded of this when I recently spoke to a client whose husband had cheated on her. She was struggling to rebuild her trust when he pointed out that he had quit cheating and that he had a “clean plate”. He had not, however, tried very hard to restore the broken emotional relationship.

The problem is, having a “clean plate” is not enough to rebuild trust that has been broken. I pointed out that plates are cleaned in order to have new, fresh food placed upon them, not to just stay clean. The point being, one must work to rebuild trust by filling that plate with renewed emotional and spiritual connection.

The parable from Matthew above points out that just ridding ourselves of bad practices does not ensure anything. We need to replace bad practices with good disciplines and strengthened connection with God in order not to fall back into a bad place.

Avoiding evil is not enough. We need to pursue good.

Prayer: Lord, help us to pursue you as you have forgiven us, and given us a “clean plate”, Amen