Is there any such thing as Christians cheering each other up? Do you love me enough to want to help me? Does it mean anything to you that we are brothers in the Lord, sharing the same Spirit? Are your hearts tender and sympathetic at all?  Then make me truly happy by loving each other and agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, working together with one heart and mind and purpose                         Philippians 2:1-2 (Living Bible)

Funny how I love Physics, but that I struggled so much with it in school. Maybe it’s because now I can read about Physics for enjoyment. Back in school, they were going to test me on that stuff! I still do not really understand Physics that well, but I’m fascinated by it. I find that the principles of Physics are universal, even in relationships.

For example, one of the laws of Physics is that bodies that are at rest tend to stay at rest, and bodies in motion tend to stay in motion. In terms of a relationship, there needs to be energy expended by at least one party in order to maintain the system or to enhance it. There needs to be an input of energy for the system (the relationship) to be maintained.

As we know, at times, we all may be at different energy states. One of the couple may be over-stressed, depressed, etc. If both partners are at a state of low energy, the relationship may suffer. One of the partners needs to infuse some energy to keep the system going and healthy. In order for that infusion of energy to take place, at least one of the partners needs to reach deep for extra energy. Maybe that comes from a spiritual source, or maybe it comes from an extra effort to reach out to the partner to help them through a hard time. At any rate, it takes a decision, usually a selfless decision, to find that energy, then infuse it into the relationship.

I’m not talking about major events here. I’m simply talking about a reach out to show care and concern for the partner- affirming statements, showing concern for the well-being of your partner. The effort of taking initiative to reach outside of one’s self is the magic energy that can restore the system to health and balance.

Prayer: Lord, give us the energy and the insight to care for those whom we love, even when our own energy is low, Amen

Daring to set boundaries is about the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others

Brene Brown

Yesterday I talked about the book Boundaries and the helpful concepts that Cloud and Townsend addressed in that classic book. One of those concepts comes from the “10 Laws of Boundaries” that they list in the book. That law is the “Law of Exposure”.

People may struggle with actually articulating their boundaries. There can be many reasons for this. Some of us grew up with the idea that we really did not have a right to let others know of our needs or desires. Some maybe assumed that others would dictate the rules in the relationship. Others may have felt that to articulate our needs and desires would turn people away from us, and that we would be rejected. There are many variations on this theme, and the reasons are not always clear and discrete. Often though, we may feel that setting a relational boundary will somehow result in a loss of that relationship.

The “Law of Exposure” is pretty straightforward. People cannot respect our boundaries if they do not know what they are. We owe it to others in our relational sphere to let them know what our needs and expectations are in a relationship. Others cannot read our minds, even though, at times, we may be unconsciously be expecting that from them.  

So, we have the right and the responsibility to let other people know what we need and want. That does not mean that others must fulfill those needs and wants. It is just an honest communication of our heart in the relationship.

Prayer: Lord, you have made us relational people. Help us to speak those truths about ourselves to others in a clear and loving way, Amen

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off big-time, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.                                                                                                                                                                            From Hebrews 12 (The Message)

Many years ago Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote a book titled Boundaries. It became a best seller, mostly because it was a really good book! In it, they gave a number of principles about setting good boundaries in our life. The sub-title of the book, interestingly enough was How to say no without feeling guilty. Yeah, that kind of says it all right? How often do we feel guilty when we need to set limits on others for our own protection- of time, space, finances, etc.

One of the metaphors that they used was the distinction between “hurt” and “harm”. Sometimes, the limits we set on people may cause some hurt. The reason we do that however, is to save from harm. For example, we may set a limit on our availability to accept phone calls or texts after a certain time. This may cause some hurt feelings on those who receive the boundary, but it does them no harm. It also serves to give us the freedom to not get late night communications which are disruptive.

This is a somewhat innocuous example, but it gives an idea of the principle.

I recently had a client who has an adult child living in the home who seems to be ruling the home through manipulative behavior. This young person needs clear and direct boundaries, and I am gently moving the parents into a place to hear that setting better boundaries is good for both them and their adult child. Their boundaries will cause this young man no harm, but it may be hurtful to him. He may become upset and angry. I reassured them that he may be hurt (not physically, just inconvenienced) by those boundaries, but he will not be harmed.

We learn from being hurt, but harm causes damage. Sometimes allowing hurt can save people from being harmed.

There are a number of great principles in this book, and over the next several blogs, I will discuss some of them. I encourage you to get the book.

Prayer: Lord, give us wisdom to know good boundaries and to set them forth in love, Amen

“This evil nation is like a man possessed by a demon. For if the demon leaves, it goes into the deserts for a while, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, ‘I will return to the man I came from.’ So it returns and finds the man’s heart clean but empty! Then the demon finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and all enter the man and live in him. And so he is worse off than before.”                                    Matthew 12:43-45

Maybe some moms still use this little phrase to encourage their little ones to clean their plate. My mom, typical of her generation, would remind me that there were starving children in India, and that somehow, my eating all of my food, including the dreaded overcooked spinach, was essential for those poor children. Her point was that I should be grateful that I had food when they did not. She was right in that, but that analogy never seemed to be a great motivator to get me to eat that spinach.

I was reminded of this when I recently spoke to a client whose husband had cheated on her. She was struggling to rebuild her trust when he pointed out that he had quit cheating and that he had a “clean plate”. He had not, however, tried very hard to restore the broken emotional relationship.

The problem is, having a “clean plate” is not enough to rebuild trust that has been broken. I pointed out that plates are cleaned in order to have new, fresh food placed upon them, not to just stay clean. The point being, one must work to rebuild trust by filling that plate with renewed emotional and spiritual connection.

The parable from Matthew above points out that just ridding ourselves of bad practices does not ensure anything. We need to replace bad practices with good disciplines and strengthened connection with God in order not to fall back into a bad place.

Avoiding evil is not enough. We need to pursue good.

Prayer: Lord, help us to pursue you as you have forgiven us, and given us a “clean plate”, Amen

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible. …                                                     Hebrews 11

Do you remember the movies of Indiana Jones? Raiders of the Lost Ark; Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom; Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Of course you do! There are a number of culturally iconic movies and movie genres that we all (or almost all of us) can relate to because they made an impact on popular culture.

I have used a scene from this movie genre at various times with clients to discuss the idea of a leap of faith. The scene is when Indiana Jones, in The Last Crusade is nearing the place of a steep canyon divide. He is on the cliff, and he must get to the other side to rescue his dying father. The bridge would not be visible until one actually took a step of faith onto the bridge that they could not see. Only then would it become visible.

With great fear and trepidation, Indy took that step in order to save his father. The bridge appeared when he stepped into the abyss.

Sometimes, my clients are facing what appears to be an impossible abyss. We talk through the situation, the decisions, the options, then I may add the above analogy. Sometimes, the answer does not appear until we take the first step of faith. Yes, it is scary, even terrifying. But having taken the step, what wonders may appear!

It is so hard to step into the unknown. We certainly need to have information and wisdom before taking the step, but at some point, we just have to take the step.

Do you have a difficult decision about a step that you are considering?

Prayer: Lord, give us wisdom and courage as we take steps into the unknown, Amen.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”                                                                                                      John 16:33

I have been reading a book by Adam Hamilton titled Making Sense of the Bible. On one of the quotes that Hamilton shared, he noted that it was an old newspaper clipping he had seen but could find no source. The quote is so good I felt the need to share it with my readers…

Suffering is not God’s desire for us, but it occurs in the process of life. Suffering is not given to teach us something, but through it we may learn. Suffering is not given to punish us, but sometimes it is the consequence of our sin or poor judgment. Suffering does not occur because our faith is weak, but through it our faith may be strengthened. God does not depend on human suffering to achieve his purposes, but sometimes through pain, his purposes are achieved. Suffering can either destroy us, or it can add meaning to our life.

Over the course of the history of mankind, suffering has been a consistent, though unwanted traveling partner. Indeed, as with nearly all instances of world-wide calamities and disasters such as COVID, some suffer grievously, and some suffer relatively little. The point is, that all are suffering somehow, and we need not quantify it, nor do we need to explain it. We need to go through it, learn from it, and use those lessons for the benefit of society.  

Prayer: Father, in this time of suffering we look to you as our source of peace. Thank you that you have overcome the troubles of the world, Amen.

We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.                                                                                           II Corinthians 10:5

We are surrounded every day with situations which are challenging. Even our own thoughts often tend to work against us at times. We have messages, often triggered by events around us- comments from other people, the seemingly constant parade of negative news stories, etc.- which can really put our minds into a place of tension and despair.

The verse from II Corinthians reminds us that we need to take hold of our thoughts, and conform them to the worldview which we hold to be life changing and life-saving.

Sometimes we get caught up in an anxiety response, an emotional and physiological reaction that is immediate. That physical/emotional response comes quickly, and the cognitive (executive part of our brain) weighs in later. That is really how we are wired in our fight/flight response system, and it often serves us very well. It can protect us from danger, but it can run away with us if we don’t use the executive part of our brain to regulate when the initial trigger is gone.

The writer Paul suggests that we become aware of our thoughts, own them, then take charge of them, and not let them take charge of us. Speak truth to the thoughts that tell us something else. Our anxieties and insecurities can give us wrong messages which must be tested in the light of truth. To do that, we must take charge of the input in our minds.

The truth does set us free, we just need to slow down the emotions of the moment and put our cognitive, our “executive brain”, in charge.  This takes discipline and patience, things which are in shorter supply when we have few margins in our life.

So when we feel stressed, angry, fearful- whatever negative emotion comes up, we need to take the thoughts captive. We need to ask, “Is this truthful?” “Is this loving?’ Is this helpful?” That way we can slow things down and respond in ways that are honoring to ourselves and others.

Prayer: Lord give us the patience and discipline to take our thoughts captive and conform them to your truth, Amen.

The tendency of a system, especially the physiological system of higher animals, to maintain internal stability, owing to the coordinated response of its parts to any situation or stimulus that would tend to disturb its normal condition or function.

In entomology- the ability of members of a colony of social insects to behave cooperatively to produce a desired result, as when bees coordinate the fanning of their wings to cool the hive.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid.                                                                                                         John 14:27

As I was thinking about today’s reflection, I had decided to write about homeostasis. That, in my simple definition, is a way to return to some balance to feel secure once again after disruptive life events. Nature tends to do that- find a way to restore a balance of some type, some type of predictability so that we do not live in fear and uncertainty.

Then as I went to dictionary.com to look up the official definition of homeostasis, I saw that there were definitions for several systems. I saw the one for entomology, and it struck me that insects will instinctively, at least social insects, go to extraordinary lengths to restore the colony, or the hive, to restore health or to repel invaders. I described one of those activities above.

I marvel at creation even at the lowest levels. Somehow, they have been wired to act cooperatively for the good of the entire social order.

Our bodies find ways to compensate for functions that have been lost, such as in certain brain injuries where other parts of the brain take over, after time, some functions that have been lost by injury or disease.

We are now trying, post-COVID (more or less) as all the pundits are saying, to “find a new normal.”

We have great need for homeostasis right now. We need a sense of internal stability to feel safe and secure.

Before Jesus went to the cross, he said to his disciples, Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid.                                                                                                        

We need to take heart from the great teachers of the world- Jesus, who came to redeem a broken world, and the lowest of creatures such as bees, who work together for the common good of their environment.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the examples all around us of restoration. Thank you for your son, who restores our soul, Amen.

“What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.                                                                                                                                Luke 12:6-7

I considered several different topics for today’s blog, and I ended up, for one reason or another, rejecting them. After I had written them, they just did not seem to hit the mark. That happens sometimes right? So, I decided to just look up the verse of the day on my Bible app, and it was Luke 12:6-7. You can’t go wrong with good old Luke, probably my favorite Gospel writer. Luke gives such a good summation of Jesus’ teachings.

 In this passage, the comfort that is expressed is so clearly obvious, yet easy to pass over sometimes. Jesus asserts that God does not forget a single sparrow. Not one! Then he states that God has numbered the very hairs on our head. (Admittedly, easier for God to do with some of us, but I digress.) He cares so much about our needs and welfare that he knows us that intimately.

We need this reminder from time to time when things around us are so altered and abnormal. Many of the landmarks that we used to navigate our regular routines and plans have been changed or altered by the pandemic. Maybe those landmarks were inadequate to begin with. Perhaps this is the time to rethink what those landmarks should be. Holding on to the truths that Jesus taught is a good way to feel the sense of direction that we need. Just the basics- God loves us and values us, even in the midst of the chaos we may be experiencing.

This disruption can serve as a way to find new navigation tools that really work. If we feel secure in the understanding of the most basic truths of God’s love for us, we can ultimately make sense of our changed environment and be better for it in the long run.

Prayer: Father, thank you for the simple truths which provide such comfort to us, Amen.

Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better                                       Ephesians 4:23 (Living Bible)

I like to use analogies when pointing out principles to clients. One I use is likening our innate talents to a powerful racing engine. It hums along, almost without effort for some very gifted individuals. They have been blessed with a “great motor”- their intellect and natural gifts.

I liken the transmission to our attitude and willingness to work. Not everyone has the same level of “great motor” given at birth, but the hustle, attitude and work ethic- that is the “transmission” that makes everything work.

Without “the good transmission”, the best, strongest engine in the world is reduced to being just a noisy hunk of potential energy. If you can harness the power of that great engine with a good transmission which can focus and direct that power, well then you really have something!

So, we have been given certain gifts and abilities at birth- we all have. But the gift that we give back is the development of those gifts through the transmission of good attitude, discipline, and the ethic of hard work.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us gifts to use for your service. Help us to return those gifts with the development of our attitude and disciplines, Amen