“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.                                                                                                                                     Isaiah 55:8-9

How easily that sentence can roll off my tongue these days- “I don’t know”. You see, the truth is the secret to wisdom is to recognize that there is so very much that we do not know. We go through life accumulating a fund of knowledge- facts, experiences, even wisdom- yet there is an amazing amount we do not know.

Sometimes religion would offer to people the idea that we can have knowledge of God and understanding of his plans. I think that such an idea is hubris at its worst. There is so much about God that we do not know, and can never know, and it is the height of pride to pretend that we can.

Job and his friends tried to understand why Job was suffering, and they used all the knowledge that they had to figure out the puzzle of human suffering.  In the end God told them that essentially, He is the author and creator of life, and that their job was not to understand his ways, but to trust his ways.

Isn’t that the truth that we try to tell our young children? They do not understand why we give them certain directions and guidance, but we do it for their good. They were too young to understand the reasons for our decisions, they just needed to trust us as loving parents.

I think that is how it is with God too. We cannot see the full picture of his master plans. We try to understand because we are curious and are made to seek understanding and knowledge. But God’s plans are bigger than our minds can understand fully. Our job is to trust him, knowing that he has our best interest at stake.

“I don’t know” is a perfectly fine phrase to say. It is especially good if we can follow it by saying, “but I trust Him”.

Prayer: Lord, we do not always understand your ways, but help us to trust them more and more, Amen.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.                          Philippians 2:5-8

The essential tenet of Christian belief is that Jesus came to earth, was conceived in a miraculous way, and died to save a sinful people. He was a divine being who gave up the privileges of Deity in order to save a mankind that had turned its back on God. He took on the humility of being a human being, and gave up the privileges he owned and deserved.

This is a very hard concept for us, and understandably so. It involves miracles and faith, and it stretches our understanding of both God and man. That Jesus was fully human and fully God is a theological concept that is way beyond my ability to explain or even understand. Yet, in so many ways it is a beautiful way of understanding the world. It is an elegant explanation of how God loves his creation, and it also challenges our humility to say, “I accept this, but I do not really understand it”.

It also, for me, begs the question, “so, if Jesus was fully human, did he make mistakes?”  My answer is yes, he certainly did. He made mistakes but he didn’t sin (Hebrews 4:15). Sins involve deliberate behaviors with selfish or prideful motives. Mistakes are, well, mistakes.

In 1973, the eminent psychiatrist Karl Menninger wrote a book titled Whatever Became of Sin? The book discussed the moral decline of America which had taken place over the preceding decades before the publishing of the book. As a psychiatrist, Menninger was keenly aware of the moral dimensions of human failures and the price that people pay emotionally for such failures. He took to task the society which had excused moral excesses in the name of freedom. He asked the simple question, “Is anything considered to be wrong anymore?”

That was a good question then, and it still is today. It brings to mind to me the important distinction between mistakes and moral failures. I will share with you that a pet peeve of mine is the juxtaposition of the term “mistake” for what are obvious moral failures.

One does not have to look too far to see this subtle refuge for those who have crossed a moral boundary, and who cover it by claiming the innocence of a “mistake”. After all, everyone makes mistakes, right? Allow me to expound.

Let’s say you file your income tax and you have made a math error on the return. As a result, you are due a refund of an extra $100. That was a mistake.

Your friend also files his tax return, but he deliberately fudges a number which results in his receiving an extra $100 on his tax refund. That was cheating, a moral failure. The results were the same, but the intent was different. That is the difference between a mistake, and a moral failure, or, if you will, sin.

How many times have we heard athletes or actors, or politicians, caught in a transgression, plead that they have “made a mistake” and ask to be forgiven. The politician is caught in an affair, becomes contrite and accepts that he “made a mistake.” The athlete takes steroids, gets caught, and then pleads that he “made a mistake” and asks the public to embrace him again.

Let’s be clear that the above examples are NOT examples of mistakes. They are wrong behaviors watered down to “mistake” so that the behavior can be mitigated and the crime minimized. My mere suggestion is that we be clear about what is a mistake and what is a sin.  I believe in forgiveness, no matter if it is a simple mistake, or if it is a moral failure. However, for the sake of the individual who needs the forgiveness, it is crucial to understand that “sin” is of deliberate intent, and it needs to be acknowledged as such.

As a counselor, I try to help people get moral clarity. I do not judge people, but I do help them to take a moral self-inventory (the 4^th step of 12 Step programs) so that they can move ahead from past failures.  Acknowledging our failures, as well as differentiating them from honest mistakes, is important in the healing process- it is the start of it.

 We all indeed make mistakes, and we all make wrong moral choices at times. I believe that if we can understand the difference, and own what we do, we are then able to heal and move ahead.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for forgiveness, no matter if we make mistakes or sin. Help us have the discernment and humility to know and own the differences, Amen.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.  There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.  And you know the way to where I am going.”                                                                                         John 14:1-4 (New Living Translation)

As we get close to Thanksgiving (yes, it is already November 1), I began to think about family and the idea that there is always “room at the table” for family. This idea of family around the table came from several directions. Mostly, I was just thinking about Lori.

As I write this blog, my own family is preparing for another funeral. My faithful readers may recall that just over two weeks ago I wrote a blog titled “Lou”, about the passing of my cherished brother-in-law. Just 20 days later, his daughter, my niece Lori, succumbed to cancer as well.

I was reminded of the promise that Jesus made to his disciples as he was preparing for his own homecoming to his father in heaven. He essentially said- “There is room for all of you in my Father’s house, after all, we are family”

Lori had been a 40-year survivor of a different type of cancer. This last cancer ravaged her body too quickly, and despite a valiant, even heroic fight, she went home to be with her father all too soon. We will all miss her terribly. Her large heart had room in it for many people too. Now she is at home with her own father, and her heavenly Father as well.   

I cling to this promise, and I am sure that my big sister, Lois and her own daughters Linda and Leanne do too. Lori’s two children, Matthew and Becky, and her husband, Doug, are an incredibly strong and supportive family, sustained by a positive and abiding faith in Jesus.

Jesus told us of the promise of rest in his own Father’s house- big enough for an untold number of families. We indeed need that kind of assurance. He also knew that here on earth, we need the strength of our physical families to survive the crushing grief that accompanies such loss.

So, as this Thanksgiving season rushes up on us, remember that there is always room at the table for those we love, and even those that we don’t know yet.

The ones who have left us are still at the table with us in our hearts.  

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the promise of room in your house. We are heartened by it, Amen

After this a lot of his disciples left. They no longer wanted to be associated with him. Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: “Do you also want to leave?”

 Peter replied, “Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. We’ve already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God.”

There is a now famous saying that President Harry S. Truman had on a little plaque on his desk- “The Buck Stops Here”. The saying is perhaps a bit trite nowadays, but the principle is still relevant. Back in those days, the early 1950’s, the idea resonated bit more than it does today. We had just come through the great conflict of World War II, and military type thinking was still much more accepted. Radical responsibility said that the leader took full ownership of anything that happened under his/her watch. If there was a mishap, a failure, a problem, the leader took responsibility for it, even if the specifics of the problem were not directly attributable to the leader.

President Truman had to make some very difficult decisions. He had to decide upon dropping the atomic bomb on Japan. He had to decide proper actions on a national steel strike. He had to decide on firing General Douglas MacArthur when MacArthur defied orders. Truman made some important, and often unpopular decisions, but he owned them and accepted the consequences. 

Perhaps this is harsh, but it points out the ultimate nature of responsibility. The leader does not get to blame underlings or others for failures that happen on his/her watch. Blame is not projected onto others, and the leader cannot act like a victim. Real leaders accept that they are ultimately responsible for the organization they lead and, by extension, the lives of those people in that organization.

People can follow a leader whom they trust. People can trust leaders who accept responsibility, and those who own the consequences of their decisions. Casting blame onto others for failures is not an option. Yes, leadership is hard, and often unfair. But that is the cost of leadership.

Prayer: As Peter replied to Jesus, you are the only leader who has the words of life. Help us follow, Amen.

“But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”                                              Matthew 5:48

Jesus said in Matthew 5:48 “But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” So, what in the world was Jesus saying there? He wants us to be perfect? Yeah, no chance of that here.

Remember those math equations that plotted curves that come close to the graph axis but never touch it? Yeah, I didn’t either, but there are some equations whose points plot a curve that comes ever closer to an axis without touching it. That might be just like us. We get closer to perfection, and that is the goal, but we never reach it. We will not see perfection in this life on earth.

I think the idea here is that we are not to be perfect, but we are to be on the road to perfection. In other words, we have choices to make. We can decide which roads we will take in life. No matter what road we choose, we will not execute it perfectly. However, the key is choosing the right roads.

The roads we need to take are those that are not the easy roads- the ones which do not challenge us to be the best we can be. The roads we must take are the hard roads which challenge us to make choices larger than ourselves. Those are the roads that are of benefit to others whom we love. Because we have decided that following Jesus is about sacrificing so that others may have access to some of the benefits we have enjoyed, we have then followed Jesus.

Keeping blessings to ourselves is a road we can take, but it will not lead us to the place of perfection that God has intended for us. There cannot be love without sacrifice. It costs something to love others. To the extent that we take roads that lead us toward the way of sharing blessings and helping others to find that road- that is the road to perfection.

Don’t despair, you are not perfect. But make sure to choose the right roads, and you will be heading in the direction God has called “perfect”.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see the roads you would have us follow, Amen

Now I want to ask a favor of you. I could demand it of you in the name of Christ because it is the right thing for you to do, but I love you and prefer just to ask you—I, Paul, an old man now, here in jail for the sake of Jesus Christ.  My plea is that you show kindness to my child Onesimus, whom I won to the Lord while here in my chains.  Onesimus (whose name means “Useful”) hasn’t been of much use to you in the past, but now he is going to be of real use to both of us.  I am sending him back to you, and with him comes my own heart.                                                                                                                          Philemon 1:8-12

We have all had the experience of asking people to be references for us when we apply for a new job. As an employer, I had to call these references to inquire about the prospective employee. Often, if I knew the person who was the reference, I would not even need to make the call. If the prospective employee was vouched for by an individual whom I knew, and that person was a person of integrity, that would be good enough. That prospective employee already had a foot in the door because I was leaning on the credibility of their reference.

There are two instances in the Bible where I saw that process at work. One was in the book of Acts, when Paul (formerly Saul, the Christian killer) had been vouched for by Ananias. Ananias had been given a vision by God that he was to heal Paul from temporary blindness, and then introduce him to the community whom he had been persecuting. Because people trusted Ananias, they trusted Paul. That was a leap of faith!

Then years later, Paul returned the favor by taking in Onesimus, a runaway slave, and then asking Philemon, for whom Onesimus was a slave, to take Onesimus back- not as a slave, but as a brother in Christ. Paul was deft and convincing in his arguments to Philemon, and Onesimus went on to become a leader in the young Christian Church years later.

We give our credibility to causes and people that we care about. As people trust us, they trust our friends and our causes. So, it is a high calling to be a follower of Jesus. As our reputation goes with people, so goes the reputation of Jesus to people who may know of him only through our behavior.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the plan of letting us be the ambassadors for you on earth, Amen

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres        I Corinthians 13:4-7          

Love has many meanings in English, but we really just have one word for it. According to research on definitions of love in the Bible, the ancient Greeks were very specific and particular in their words for love, and they broke it down this way. They had four words to describe different forms of love precisely: “Storge” or family love; “Philia”, or brotherly love; “Agape”, or sacrificial or unconditional love; and “Eros”, sexual or marital love.

The “Storge” type love (pronounced Stor-hay), was for family love, a deep and protective affection that binds families tightly together. Philia, or brotherly love, is commonly known. We all know Philadelphia (City of Love), and the irony of the “loving” Philly sports fans showing love to people on the field in their own unique ways. They actually booed Santa Claus one year, but that is another story. Phileo type love is “I love you as you love me”. Good type of love for neighbors and communities, but not the highest ideal of it.

Eros, the one we are likely most in touch with in popular culture, has to do with passion and sexual attraction. It arouses a lot of energy, but often, like an intense fire, it can burn hot and quickly, and it may burn itself out.

Agape love is the ideal. It is the love God has for his creation. Selfless and unconditional, there is nothing the loved one can do to escape such love. It is there despite any actions that may try to thwart it. It is supernatural.

At times, we all display these types of love for others. They are all good in their own way, but the key is to recognize each for what it is, and not to deceive ourselves that we love better than we actually do. We love imperfectly. But as I said in an earlier reflection, acceptance of imperfect is OK. We just need to be on the right path.

We are called to a more perfect love. Fortunately, we have a Friend who loves us right where we are, wherever that might be along the road.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the unconditional love you have for us, Amen.

But I have to say
I’ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

What’s love got to do, got to do with it
What’s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken 

 Tina Turner Song (1984)

A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows we have not really learned to love.                                                                                      I John 4:18

So, if ever there were a topic to discuss that is so large and so complex, it is love. There are many aspects of it, of course. More popular songs have been written about the topic than any other subject. It is a topic near and dear to us, and it is of crucial importance. It is misunderstood, misused, and so often missing in a world that needs it as its guiding principle.

Romantic love is intoxicating. It is chemistry. It is exciting. It is incomplete. Of course, we are completely enamored with it.

 I see so often in relationships that people will say something like, “I love her, but I’m not in love with her.”  That is a convenient way to say that the physical intoxication, the romance, the chemistry, has faded away. So, now the relationship’s energy is not like it was. This often becomes the “permission” to seek to break off from the partner. That kind of love is incomplete. In a committed relationship, when you have “lost that loving feeling” (yeah, another old school song reference, look it up) is not the time to look for another partner. It is the time to work on real loving.  

Real love is a decision. Real love takes sacrifice. There has never been true love without sacrifice. Just look at the example of Jesus, who showed the cost of real love.

So, in the coming days, we will be looking at some aspects of love.  Would love to have you with me on the journey!

Prayer: Father, give us better understanding of your loving nature so that we can heal your creation, Amen.

Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”                                                                                       Exodus 4:10-12

Today we look at the other part of being safe and effective in helping others- effective.  Having the right attitude, being safe, is a necessary component of helping others. However, it is not sufficient to simply have the correct attitude. One needs some tools to be effective in the helping process. I have found, and research confirms, that asking questions in a meaningful and sincere manner, is important in the healing process. Coming alongside the person who needs some support is best achieved by interest in learning the space where someone is at that time. It is not our job to take someone where WE think they need to go. It is our job to get to know their journey well enough, and earn the right to involve ourselves with them in that journey. This can take time and patience, and that is at times a sacrifice.

Genuine interest is, in itself, healing. Questions about background, interests, desires, and hopes are important in establishing rapport and credibility. This is not a feigned interest. If it is not genuine, let someone else be the helper.

Questions then can open up the areas of discussion which need to be pursued. A small sample of questions might be- “What would you like to do in this situation?”; “What is stopping you from doing that?”; “What have you tried?” ; “What is your biggest fear?”; “Who do you usually talk to about such things?” Such questions are just an example of ways to get at deeper issues which may be weighing on the person in need.

I believe that the best kid of ability is availability. Showing up and being available is critically important. Questions are the ways to unlock the best resources for the person we are helping. That is, letting them know that they possess the answers to their own problems- we are just facilitating the help.

Warmth is a key in gaining rapport. I define warmth as effective non-verbal communication. We are seen as being warm through our non-verbals, mostly. That is eye contact, smiles, nodding our head to let people know we are with them, and body posture that is open and welcoming.

I loved the response that God gave to Moses at the burning bush when Moses, so unsure of himself, believed that he was not the right person for the job of leading the Israelites. In the passage from Exodus, above, God essentially told Moses, “You be available, I am able”

That is the approach I like. We just need to be really available, and God can do his work through us.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for giving us the privilege to serve others. You are able as we submit, Amen.

A friend loves at all times,
    and a brother is born for a time of adversity                                                                                 Proverbs 17:17

Today, a few thoughts on ways to be helpful to people who are struggling with some emotional response in these stressful days. In the past, I have written about how stress affects us in all ways- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. So, I want to give just a few thoughts on how to reach out to one another. Encouraging words, as I discussed, are healing to both body and spirit. However, to go a bit deeper, I will share some considerations about helping others.

I think we need to consider the two factors that we always use when we hear about therapeutic medications- safe and effective. Pharmaceutical companies typically advertise that their products are “safe and effective” By that, they mean that the drugs will not produce undue harm, and that they have been shown to have some level of actually working to solve the medical problem for which they were developed.

So, helpers also need to be “safe and effective”. That means that we are “safe people”. In this case, safe means that we are trying to be helpful and available to help the other person, not to get our own needs met. That we can be non-judging and accepting. That we will not add to the burden already there for the person we help. That what they tell us is confidential, and will not be spread to others.

I recognize that I am discussing informal, friendly interventions, not professional counseling. Friends are not legally held to standards of confidentiality, yet there needs to be a discussion about where the information can go. The general rule, however, is that the helping person is not the owner of the information, and that she/he has no right to share it without permission.

Finally, if possible, the helper should consider pointing the friend toward other safe people, who can be of help. Isolation is the thing that can get us in trouble during times of stress. Having a group of people who care is a tremendous help in our collective efforts to handle stressful times.

Tomorrow, we discuss “effective”.

In the meantime, “be safe out there”!

Prayer: Lord, help us to be strong and safe as we go about helping one another in hard times, Amen.