Have two goals: wisdom—that is, knowing and doing right—and common sense. Don’t let them slip away,                                 Proverbs 3:21 (Living Bible)

There is this debate about how counselors should respond to their clients with regard to giving “advice”. I have a simple distinction about “advice vs. opinion”. First, I believe that there should be real clarity about what each term is. Often, clients will ask me “what should I do?” I will then ask, do you want my opinion? I will give an opinion, if I have one, but I make it clear that I am not implying or saying that they should actually do what I am saying. I am simply giving them a point of view- an alternative way of thinking. If they ask my opinion, I will give it, with that caveat.

Advice looks like “You really ought to do this”. I very seldom give that sort of directive. More often, it may more look like “That is something that would not be good to do” – that is, intervening in a behavior that could potentially be destructive to them.  a distinction without a difference, but I try to be clear with my clients that they have agency- they maecisions about their own life. I am their advocate, accountability person, soft landing, encourager, confronter at times, and faithful listener.

I am not their decision maker.

Prayer: Lord, you are the great counselor on whom we rely, Amen

A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart, and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle.                             Proverbs 15:50 (The Message)

I have mentioned in past blogs about watching old, familiar TV shows from the past. Shows I grew up with like The Andy Griffith Show for example. I have seen all or almost all of those old black and white shows a number of times and yet, I watch. Why?

Well, I have thought about that, and I realize that it is certainly not for remembering the plot, or even for the laughs it gives. It is familiar, it is predictable, and it is comfort. Perhaps there is some nostalgia for a simpler time in life, and perhaps because it is so wholesome and inoffensive in an offensive social media world.

I watch because it gives me a feeling.

I am guessing you may do the same with other old shows, or maybe old movies. There is no harm in this, I think, because it serves a valid mental health purpose- it gives a time of respite and comfort, in a wholesome way. So, my friends, if you have your own comfort shows, enjoy them. May you have peace…

Prayer: Lord, thank you for little oases along the way in a stressful world, Amen

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.                                                                              Matthew 6:19-21

There is a saying used often in Alcoholics Anonymous that goes “You can’t keep it unless you give it away”. That paradoxical quote is full of wisdom. The idea is that for those in recovery (and all of us, really), we can’t really maintain the values of things unless we give them away. Another old truth applies here as well- “You can’t take it with you”. Yes, we can bequeath our wealth and possessions to others when we die, but that is not “keeping it”. The way to derive true value from our wealth, our wisdom and our work is to make sure that others benefit from it.

For those in recovery, they say, and I agree, the best way to maintain sober living is to invest in the success of another addict (perhaps as a sponsor). The joy and responsibility involved in that process helps to ensure a successful program for both sponsor and sponsee.  

I recently met with a man in recovery who shared with me that he believed that part of the reason for some of his past relapses had been because he had avoided sponsoring another addict. He had, be believed, unwittingly sabotaged himself by failing to invest well in other addicts.

We all must make decisions about how we “give it away” to others. Many may give money to cherished causes; many volunteer time to worthy projects; others mentor people, teach young people etc.

Whatever way we decide to “give it away”, we can’t go wrong. That is the way we can get great joy and value from what we have.

Prayer: Lord, remind us of how we are to share what you have given to us, Amen

The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world.  And he said to him, “I will give you all their authority and splendor; it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to.  If you worship me, it will all be yours.”Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’”                                                                                                          Luke 4:5-8

 “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely”

John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton, 13th Marquess of Groppoli

I kind of tend to overlook this fascinating passage of scripture where Jesus is tempted, or tested, depending on your translation. Maybe it is because I believe that Jesus would never have succumbed to such a deal offered by Satan. Yet, I also need to realize that Jesus here was fully man and able to be tempted. He had set aside the divine nature that he possessed so that he could fully identify with us, his creation.

Satan comes to Jesus when Jesus is fasting in the desert. Perhaps Satan thought that Jesus would be weak and vulnerable in this situation. We do see that Satan does claim authority over the kingdoms of the world. He said that they were his, and that he had authority to give it away to others- for a price. The price, of course, is to honor and worship Satan as lord.

Satan is not a threatening presence here. He comes across as reasonable and transactional, but also devious and dangerous. Jesus had the opportunity to seize the power of kingdom offered by Satan. Earlier, Satan had offered Jesus unlimited bread to ease his own hunger, and perhaps that of others.  

Jesus saw the dangers of worldly power. Seizing power always ends up as a trap. The very power one seizes ultimately traps the owner of it. We overcome evil with love, not earthly power. The power of kingdom and authority is indeed enticing, and I fear that many Christians have fallen in love with political power. However, we will never be saved by political power.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see the danger of earthly power and authority, Amen

Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don’t for a minute lose sight of them. They’ll keep your soul alive and well, they’ll keep you fit and attractive. You’ll travel safely, you’ll neither tire nor trip. You’ll take afternoon naps without a worry, you’ll enjoy a good night’s sleep. No need to panic over alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday’s just around the corner, Because God will be right there with you; he’ll keep you safe and sound.                                                                                Proverbs 3:21-26 (The Message)

Funny, or maybe not so funny, how others can see things in us that we cannot see in ourselves. I have had occasion several times this week to reflect to clients some positive traits that are almost invisible to the client themselves.

For one client I gave the visual analogy of my hand directly in front of my face so that all I could see was my hand. That, I said, (my hand) were the failures and missed objectives that he could see. His range of vision was blocked by the things he had missed on. As I drew my hand out further, I had a larger field of view, and I told him that if he can look beyond the things that he might have missed, there were a larger number of things that he had successfully accomplished.

As we get perspective, we can better see the whole field of behaviors that had been blocked by a narrow and blocked analysis. In fact, this client had been working almost heroically to care for an aging mother with cognitive decline. In his view, it was never enough. In my view, it was selfless caring.

I suggested that my view was a bit clearer since I had an objective picture, untainted by negative self-talk. Gradually, the client began to understand that perhaps his view was incomplete. Not totally in error or wrong, just incomplete. Sometimes, we just need a fresh look at things so that our picture becomes more complete.

What say you?

Prayer: Lord, help us to hear the input of others when our view might be inadequate, Amen

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life     Psalm 42:8

I was having a discussion with a friend recently about prayer. Through the course of that discussion, we shared our thoughts on what prayer really is. We agreed that often we focus too much on a somewhat transactional understanding of prayer. That is, I ask something of God on behalf of myself or another person. Certainly, there are many aspects to prayer- adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication- the ACTS model- and supplication is only one part.

However, I think that prayer is really about personal spiritual formation. That is, the role of prayer is conforming me into what God has created me to be. Prayer is not about changing God’s mind about anything; it is about changing my mind about everything.

To the extent that I can conform my thinking closer to the way God sees the world, I am being transformed into who he made me to be.

Just a few musings on a cold winter day my friends, be well!

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the opportunity to become closer to you in prayer, Amen.

 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives                                                                                                           Genesis 50:20

“Never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Winston Churchill

The above quote is attributed to Winston Churchill. As an aside, if you want the best quotes, check out Churchill, Mark Twain, Yogi Berra, Will Rogers, John Wooden, Dorothy Parker- well the list goes on for me. I’m sure you have your own quotable people. We can learn a lot from these brilliant individuals.

But back to Winston Churchill. The quote above is so full of truth! Every crisis holds within it the makings of a great new beginning- a fresh start at things. Rather than only seeing the negative in the crisis, we need to see it as a wonderful opportunity to grow and start anew.

The word “crisis” is derived from the Latin “crucis” from which we get the words crucial and crux. A crisis literally puts us at a crossroad. Based upon how we approach the crisis, and resolve it, we get some type of resolution. Things cannot stay at a crisis level long before some resolution must be found. Indeed, the longer we stay in crisis, the more stressed and anxious we remain. Crisis begs for some type of resolution.

The key thought here though is that we can embrace the crisis for a healthy positive change. Churchill recognized that the wise person will see beyond the crisis state to a potential resolution- one that can effect a stable future.

Without crisis, we may not get to the place we needed to be.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see past the crisis to a desired future, Amen

And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus  Philippians 4:19

 One of the questions that I suggest for my couples counseling clients ask to one another is this: “What do you need right now”, or “what would you like right now”?

The answer could be anything- a hug, time alone, a back rub, silence, a good laugh, dinner at a new restaurant- you get the picture. It could be anything. The point of the interaction is to open up oneself to meeting the needs or desires of the other. Even the question is thoughtful and caring. Moreover, it gets each partner in the mindset of questioning to themselves- “What do I need right now?”, or “What would I really like right now?”

I am not talking about “I’d like to win the lottery”, or “I’d like the Cincinnati Reds to win the pennant” (though I would!). I am talking about small, practical stuff- things that are practical as well as doable right now or very soon.

Getting in touch with such thoughts is helpful, even important. We often don’t really think of these things consciously, and it is good to just get in touch with these practical things that might bring us a little joy.  

So, what do you need, or what might you like right now?

Think about it.

Prayer: Lord, you are the supplier of our needs and we are grateful, Amen

For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.                                                                                                Psalm 103: 11-13

Stop me if you’ve heard this one… on second thought, don’t. I have shared this story in various places and in various ways, but I think it bears repeating. If you haven’t heard it before, so much the better.

Many years ago, my son and I built a pond in our back yard. It was a good one. In fact, it was so good that it was two ponds, with a bog area in between the ponds. As winter approached, we decided that the fish in the smaller, shallower pond would need the depth of the larger pond to survive the winter freeze.

Sometime in November, I took a small net and tried to remove the small fish to transfer them into the larger pond for their own protection. Of course, the little fish did not see the value in that, and they resisted my attempts to catch them with great vigor (and success I might add).

During this escapade, it struck me that people are sort of like those little fish who resisted the change of environment. They were used to the little pond- the only world they knew. To change that would be devastating for them. Of course, my intent was only for their good, their safekeeping.

 I put myself into the mind of God for a moment. “I’m only looking out for their good, and they resist me at every turn”. How must God look at us as we resist change that is only for our benefit? I pitied the plight of the poor fish in their resistance. However, I persisted, and I caught them, transferred them to the larger pond, and they survived the winter ice.

I have used this story at funerals, to point out that final translation to heaven is for good- eternal life. Of course, desiring life, we resist that change with ferocity, and understandably so. But change is often what we need, even when we are resisting it because the present reality is all we know. God knows our need, and he wants the best for us.

Even when we do not fully understand it.

Prayer: Lord, you understand our thinking, and love us, even in our resistance, Amen

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us;
    establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.                                                                Psalm 90:17

I was speaking with a client recently about lifelong learning. He mentioned that he had recently taken a course to give him certification in a particular occupation. He had retired just a year or so ago, but he engaged in this educational program, not to earn money in a career, but because he wanted to challenge himself. He wanted to learn and be certified even though he has no plans to earn a living at this endeavor.

My wife, a retired teacher and school counselor, continues to take courses at the University of Dayton because she loves to learn, is curious, and wants to stay relevant and current.

What a great idea! I see this as learning for the sake of learning- learn in order to learn. So often, of course when we are younger, we learn so that we can earn.  Isn’t it refreshing to learn just to learn?

I believe that if in retirement we simply – to use a sports analogy- “dribble out the clock” on life, we are depriving ourselves and others of so much. There is always much to learn, and also to give away!

We are built to keep up our interest in life, even when “retired”, by learning, teaching, writing, volunteering, mentoring- you name it. The old saying “use it or lose it” contains a lot of wisdom.

What do you think?

Prayer: Lord, I believe you have wired us to be useful for as long as we live! Amen