And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong                                                                                      James 3:4

I recently saw some clients in marriage counseling, and I asked them, “What is one little thing you would like to change in your relationship?” I emphasized “little thing” because I meant, a little thing- some small behavior that one of the partners would like to change in her/himself, or in the partner.

After some thought, each partner came up with a little request. They did a great job in naming a small behavior that they would like to be different. I encouraged them with this tried-and-true counseling statement – change one thing, change everything.  

What that means is, changing one small behavior has a cascading effect on the relationship. One small change means that the person is committed to a different way of connecting. One small change means that larger change is possible. One small, consistent behavior change means that everything can actually improve.

So, to change one thing, one very small thing, has big implications for growth and change!

Prayer: Lord, give us trust in small changes to make big differences, Amen

“You men who are fathers—if your boy asks for bread, do you give him a stone? If he asks for fish, do you give him a snake?  If he asks for an egg, do you give him a scorpion? Of course not!                                                                                                                                                               Luke 11:11-12 (Living)

I recently had a discussion with a client about his anxiety, which can play out as irritability and anger toward his children when they misbehave. Every parent can relate to responses to children who have displayed defiant or disrespectful behavior.

We are NOT happy!

However, this client has been deeply concerned about how his anger and his raised voice affects his children, and will affect them in the future. These are good and thoughtful questions. As we explored his interactions with his kids, he admits that he is hard on them because he is worried about their future. Will they grow up to be reckless and disrespectful adults? Will they get into trouble as adults?

As we discussed this, I pointed out that his anxiety lets his mind “run away” with irrational fears about his children’s future. As he thought about it, he realized that he was thinking of very unlikely catastrophes. His kids are being raised well by he and his wife, but it is a struggle, especially with some special needs kids. He worries about their future.

His anxiety stems from a place of care and concern. He is a good dad, and he wants the best for his children. His discipline measures are for their best future and even current interests, but he has let anxiety run away with his joy.

Anxiety has a way of being a joy robber for all of us. Taking time to breathe, and recognize that our motives are good helps to put anxiety into a little better perspective some times.

Prayer: Lord, help us to take time to breathe to gain perspective on our anxieties, Amen       

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
 He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
 as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

 As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

Psalm 103:8-13

One of the homework assignments that I often give to clients is to read Psalm 103. This Psalm is so reassuring of God’s love for us, and it is especially important for people who grew up with an idea of God as an angry, distant, judging father.

My favorite passage in this Psalm is about God being the father who has “compassion on his children”. The King James version has a lovely translation- “he pities us like little children”. The picture given to me by a friend years ago is that of a father beckoning his toddler, just learning to walk, to come to him. The father knows that the child will probably fail time and again, but he continues to be on his knee, encouraging the child and beckoning her forward. The father does not chastise the child for falling, indeed, he knows that the child is just that, a learning child who will fail time and again in order to learn to walk.

So, our heavenly father is that. A loving father who would have us learn to walk to him, knowing that we will fail often, but that our ultimate destination is the father.

That, I think is the intent of this Psalm. Like I tell my clients, read this often, and learn the nature and character of the father who loves you.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for your patience and loving kindness with us, Amen.

For I will show you lessons from our history, stories handed down to us from former generations  

Psalm 78:2-3 (Living Bible)

“But don’t the trees seem nice and full?!”

Andy Taylor 

The words above are from the final line of an old Andy Griffith Show titled, Opie the Bird Man

The plot was a simple story about a young boy, Opie Taylor, who had accidentally shot and killed a bird with his slingshot. His father, Sheriff Andy Taylor, talked to Opie about how his careless act had sentenced the baby birds in the nest to likely die of starvation because he had killed their mama. Opie felt terrible.

Opie decided to raise the chicks, and eventually, had to set them free when they were able to fly. Opie had grown fond of the birds, and had learned a big life lesson about responsibility and consequences of his actions. Opie did not want to part with the birds, but he eventually set them free, and as they settled into the tree after a successful flight, Opie said, “The cage sure seems empty now”. But Andy responded, “But don’t the trees seem nice and full?!”

I was thinking of that the other day as I watched a tree in my back yard bursting with the sound of chirping birds. They were taking turns flying toward my feeder, then heading back to their nests in that tree.

Simple stories can teach large life truths. The Andy Griffith Show specialized in such stories, as did many shows in the 1950’s and early 1960’s. Those days are gone, but the concept remains.  Wholesome little stories can give powerful lessons.

We need more of them…

Prayer: Lord, help us to cling to encouraging stories, Amen

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”                                                  II Corinthians 12:7-9 (NIV)

I recently spoke with a client who has a chronic physical problem, and she has been frustrated for years regarding its effects on her life. It is not a life- threatening problem, but it is certainly a “life-limiting” one.

We discussed her frustrations about living with this condition, and then she asked me, “Will I ever get over these feelings of anger and resentment? Will I ever get to the place of acceptance?”

It made me think about what acceptance really is. Paul in the Bible struggled with a “thorn in the flesh”, a phrase that has worked itself into our culture as an example of chronic suffering for which there may never be a complete remedy.   

Paul took the occasions of such reminders of suffering not to curse the condition, but to have it be a reminder to him of God’s ability to be sufficient even in our suffering- that God’s power is displayed when we are at our weakest.

I told my client that acceptance is “honest ownership of what we are feeling”. The question is not  “Will I ever stop feeling this way”, but rather, “what will I do when I recognize that I am feeling this way?”

My client has the tendency to condemn herself when she gets angry or frustrated about her situation. I suggested to her that frustration is a pretty normal response to her suffering, but honest appraisal of the unwanted feeling is the freedom she needs. Acceptance is not becoming complacent with how we feel, or ignoring how we feel, or even liking what we feel. Acceptance is honest ownership of that feeling. It is only then that we can be aware of the power that God can give us to transform the suffering into something that can enhance our human experience.

No one likes pain, and we try very hard to avoid it, naturally. But when we respond honestly to our feelings about it, we can start to redeem the pain into something of benefit to ourselves or to others.  

Prayer: Lord, give us the strength to honestly look at our responses to suffering, and to look to you for redemption of it, Amen

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.                                                                                                         Matthew 5:8

So, what does it mean to be “pure in heart”? It does not mean a “perfect heart”- that is not possible. It does mean that we have looked into our heart and we have seen it for what it is. It is selfish and pleasure seeking, if left to its own devices. Our job is to cut down on how often it is “left to its own devices”. In other words, we are to be stewards of an inherently selfish nature.

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet asserts “The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be. Jeremiah 17:9-10

We are clear that we are not perfect in heart, but we can be pure of heart. We can do that by agreeing with God on it. He knows our frailties, and he detests the practice of trying to cover it up, pretending we are something that we are not.

The counseling principle of ownership of our innermost being frees us to become who we are truly meant to be. Truth in agreeing that we are sinners in need of a Savior is the step of freedom and change. It is the “moment of clarity” for those in addiction who now see the need for help in overcoming the addiction. It is the moment of salvation for those who see that they cannot solve the sin problem alone.

I have been fond of writing about the relationship of faith and science. Science can explain and solve many world problems. It cannot solve the sin problem. That is the work for faith.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the solution to our heart problems, your son, Jesus, Amen

For as you know him better, he will give you, through his great power, everything you need for living a truly good life: he even shares his own glory and his own goodness with us!                 II Peter 1:3

What is your “Good Life”? Tony Bennett, a singer I always admired, recorded a song called “The Good Life” in 1963. That song came to mind this weekend as my daughter from Kansas City came to stay with us for her 30^th High School reunion. My son also came up, from the  Dayton area, and we visited far into the night.

Just today, we were sitting on our deck on a beautiful summer day, visiting, telling stories, enjoying the company of one another.

The Good Life.   

A perfect summer day, with family, leisurely talking about life. Yes, to me, that is the Good Life!

What is your “Good Life?”

Prayer: What a blessing it is to be with family in the middle of summer’s splendor. Thank you Lord, Amen 

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.                                                                                                                           James 5:11

I recently spoke with a client who is suffering with the extended grief over losing both parents within a year. At times the client felt that she was showing signs of improvement, but periods of grief seem to color her actions, even several years later.

There is no timetable for grieving. Effects can and will pop up at unexpected times. Indeed, such feelings may affect the entire future outlook of a person. I spoke with my client about finding a way to redeem such grief into a positive.

Often, a death can cause us to have an existential crisis of a sort, in that we may look at our own life differently. We may feel that we have not met the goals we had set out before us. We may feel that we need a new mission to fulfill before our own death.

So, we can use the profound loss as a spur to look at our own life, what is left of it, and make a mark that we want to make before we die.

It is truly never too late.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see that your grace is available, even when we feel that time may have passed us, Amen

“What drains your spirit drains your body. What fuels your spirit fuels your body.”                           Caroline Myss

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.                                                                                                                                                                  Psalm 139:14

The mind-body connection is a fascinating thing. I mean, we really cannot sperate the two because they are part of the whole- the components- that, along with our soul makes us…us. Our physical health and our mental health are inextricably connected. In fact, both affect one another constantly and often in subtle ways.

People who are under chronic stress age more quickly than those under less stress. The presence of stress hormones coursing through our body, especially when they should not be present at high levels, causes us to die prematurely.

I was recently talking with a client who had been raised in a dysfunctional family, where neglect was a way of life. It is the only way she knew to perceive the world. We discussed the effects of this, and it can properly be called trauma, even though she was not physically or sexually abused. Her way of looking at the world, and relationships, was altered in a way that caused her chronic stress.

She was always vigilant of the world around her, a world which was not seen as particularly safe or supportive. She learned to “read people” and find ways to navigate situations to ensure that she was emotionally safe, perhaps even physically safe.

Eventually, her body began to tell her that this was not healthy. She got into counseling, found that vigorous exercise was a way that she could find control and safety, and she eventually came to have excellent insight into how to better navigate a world that was not perpetually threatening to her.    

Our health care system seems to do an excellent job at treating illnesses when they are discovered. But our system does not do very well at prevention of problematic lifestyle issues, and the chronic stresses that we face which can lead to physical health problems.

Our reminder- physical, spiritual and emotional health are inextricably tied together. Proper healthcare means that we pay attention to all aspects of our being.

Prayer: Lord, you have designed us to have true integration of mind, body and Spirit. Help us to care for all parts of us, Amen

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters                                                                                                                                                              Psalm 23:1-2 (KJV)

Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass.So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied…                                              Mark 6:39-42

I think we can all relate to eating. It is a basic need to stay alive, of course, but eating is something that we do with great relish (pardon the pun). Jesus recognized that we can readily relate to stories about food in order to get to know the nature and character of God.

In the 23^rd Psalm, we see that God makes provision for his people. When Jesus was walking the earth, he used that same analogy, but he brought it to life when he stopped to feed the 5000 who had followed him and were now hungry. Jesus directed the people to “sit down on the green grass” and prepare to be fed. He saved them from the “want” of hunger, and he “prepared a table for them” in the green grass.

I was struck by this beautiful analogy while listening to a sermon from pastor Adam Hamilton a few weeks ago. God gets our attention when he feeds us. Jesus made sure that those who followed him were well fed. What a wonderful metaphor of God’s provision for us.

Prayer: You feed us day-to-day with so many benefits. Thank you for that provision, Amen