The tongue has the power of life and death,
    and those who love it will eat its fruit                                          Proverbs 18:21

I was speaking recently with a client about the concept of forgiveness. We discussed the difference between saying “I’m Sorry”, and saying “Forgive Me”. She was struck by the simple nuance and power of the wording. I suggested that there can be a large difference in attitude and perception between those statements.

When one says “I’m sorry”, there may indeed be true repentance, but the control of the sentiment belongs to the one apologizing. The words, while perhaps being sincere, can sound trite and hollow- almost like a “drive-by” statement. It may feel something like, “there I’ve said the magic words, now I’m OK”

Asking for forgiveness, on the other hand carries a real sense of humility. One is asking the other person, the offended party, to free us from guilt. The one seeking forgiveness recognizes that the power here is in the hands of the one who was offended. The offender puts him/herself in the hands of the offended person.

So, just a little thought for today. Words have power, and can connote different meanings depending on how they are used. My client found this to be very meaningful, and I hope that you do too!

Prayer: Lord, help us to choose our words wisely, Amen

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.                                                                   Proverbs 4:23

I recently spoke with a client about some of his strengths, including his empathy and self-awareness. As usual, this client did not see these attributes as strengths, but rather as his “Achilles Heel”. As we remember, Achilles was a remarkably gifted mythical warrior whose only vulnerability was his heel. Of course, Achilles was eventually taken down by an arrow to his heel.

I talked with my client about his great gift of sensitivity. I suggested that he needs to preserve this gift by guarding his heart, not hardening it. People with such sensitive spirits can be amazingly helpful and uplifting to others, but they may pay a high price of letting their hearts be vulnerable to being wounded and broken.

The goal is to guard our heart by being aware of tendencies which might cause us to over-identify with others. We need to have good boundaries, but at the same time, maintain an open heart. We must avoid becoming hardened to the pain we experience, thereby potentially becoming bitter, and actually losing that strength that is so important. 

Finding safe places to process what we have experienced emotionally is critical to guarding our heart. We all need safe places to land, and people that we trust, in order to maintain a tender heart which can be of value to others, as well as ourselves.

Prayer: Lord, protect our hearts so that we can be of greater value to others, Amen

The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship.                         Psalm 19:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.                       Hebrews 11:1

I was listening to a podcast today from a scientist who is a devout Christian. He was talking about the new Webb telescope that is sending incredible images back to earth from its perch high in space- higher altitude than any telescope ever launched could previously attain. It can “see” the origins of stars from billions of light years away. Indeed, just that statement boggles the mind. We cannot truly comprehend the distance of the light from stars that far away. Such a telescope can take us back nearly to the origins of the universe. We are seeing light that was emanating from stars billions of years ago. Wilder still, that universe is still expanding at a very fast rate.

Even more amazing is the fact that much of the universe is comprised of matter and energy that we cannot measure or really understand. “Dark matter” and “dark energy” abound in the universe, and we simply do not fully understand it – other than the fact that scientists have shown that such entities do exist, even though we do not see or understand them.

All this is to say that science seems to rely quite a bit on faith. People of faith have deeply held beliefs and understandings of God and his creation. We know that there is much we cannot see, but we know that there is a rich spiritual dimension all around us. The Bible clearly states that we are surrounded by spiritual beings and that we can be reassured of things unseen.

The creation of this amazing universe is far beyond our understanding, but the Creator of it can be known. He manifests his glory every day in our surroundings. Now he is continuing to manifest his glory through the lenses of a telescope.

We didn’t really need a telescope to recognize that creation is awesome. I love the fact, however, that science every day is proving the glory of creation, and by inference, the glory of the Creator.

Prayer: We are humbled Lord by your creation, and awed by your plans, Amen

Read Genesis 18:16-33

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”                                                   Luke 11:13

There was a TV show many years ago titled Let’s Make A Deal! It was a popular game show hosted by Monte Hall and it challenged contestants to make deals that could benefit them, or if they chose the wrong deal, it could break them. It also brought some phrases into the popular culture, like “I’ll take door #…”

I was thinking the other day about how we make deals with God. The phrase “foxhole conversion” came about to illustrate the desperate pleas of soldiers who were literally fearing for their lives in the heat of battle. They would promise God that, if they survived, they would enter the priesthood, or they would never cheat again, or that they would start doing some actions to benefit others, or they would stop doing sinful behaviors, etc.  You know, they were like you and me.

We bargain with God, and I’m sure we do it to feel better about a situation -like we can change God’s mind on something, or that we can escape some awful fate. If God just does this one thing for me, I’ll pay him back in a big way!

I love the story in Genesis where Abraham bargains with God to spare the city of Sodom. When God reveals to Abraham that he plans to destroy wicked Sodom, Abraham wheels and deals it down to ten people. If there could be found just ten good people, God promised not to destroy Sodom. Abraham was a pretty good negotiator, because he started at fifty good people, and he bargained God down to just ten good people!

First of all, I am sure that God did not want to destroy Sodom at all, and he was bantering with Abraham in a relationship. Abraham was bargaining with God to spare his kinsman, Lot. He was not getting any personal benefit other than the fact that he wanted God to spare a family member.

Wasn’t it interesting that Abraham felt comfortable bargaining with the Creator of the Universe? I mean, when I talk with God, I wonder how I can make a deal with the almighty God. Who am I to argue with him?

Then I remember that God wants to give us good gifts. He wants us to have relationship with him. He wants our input into desperate situations because it makes us reflect on our dependence upon him.

So, the next time you have a bargaining session with God, remember who he is, and who you are, but also remember, he wants the conversation!  

Prayer: Thank you Lord for making the plan that we can have a relationship with you, Amen

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.                            Proverbs 22:6

Over the years of my practice, I have seen numerous instances where my client has related that they were not affirmed by their parents. This takes many forms- from outright abuse, to neglect, to simple failure to nurture the dreams of their children.

Again, I am not one to push onto parents all the failures in adulthood that my clients face. We are all aware that even with childhoods that were less than perfect, we still have the choices and opportunities to become successful adults. Of course, clients who have had the trauma of abuse have a terrible burden to overcome, but indeed, many of my clients have overcome in spectacular ways.

However, parents need to recognize that their children have dreams, and often the talent and ambition to back that up. Our job as parents is to help identify those dreams and talents of our children and nurture them any way that we can. Just letting a child know that he/she can achieve their dreams, no matter what they are, is a huge encouragement. It says, “I believe in you!”

Kids look to their parents for validation, in some form, their whole life. Let’s make sure that they do not feel that they have to work hard for our love and affirmation. Just like God loves us right where we are (and He does), we need to clearly convey that to our children regularly. We need to express to them verbally and non-verbally that they can reach their dreams, and that we believe in them.

Prayer: Lord, help us to identify the dreams and gifts of our children and the next generations, and to nurture those dreams, Amen

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life                                      Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

I recently saw a couple in marriage counseling, and at the end of the session, I wanted to give them some added encouragement. They have been struggling for some time, and I felt that they needed an extra boost. So, I told them that I have seen, literally, multiple hundreds of couples over the years. Based upon my experience, I told them that there was every reason that we could be successful in our endeavors, and that they have worked hard and shown perseverance. I further suggested that if they continue to work the plans we have all laid out, there is no reason that the marriage could not only be restored, but that it could prosper better than they had ever imagined.

I said this because I believe it. I also said it to give them hope, because they had seen little hope over the past several years. I noticed that the wife had tears in her eyes, and then she just let them flow. She thanked me for the confidence I had in them, and for saying out loud that this marriage could be renewed, and that it could prosper like it once had.

One of the most important jobs that counselors can do is give hope. The belief that things can get better is often just the impetus needed to make that positive change happen. Without hope, people can give up, and so, to the extent that we are able, we must continue to give people hope for a better future.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us hope for a future. Help is to spread that to others, Amen.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.                                                    I Peter 5:7

Do you know a control freak? I do.

Me.

I bet you are one too. Don’t be alarmed about that. Wanting control of situations in our life is natural, and indeed it can be healthy. Strong, regular disciplines help to give us a sense of control. I can control my attitudes, my behaviors and my feelings. I am responsible for those things about me, and I need to control them.

But I cannot control yours, and that is where the rub often happens. When we try to control things that are NOT under our control, we get into trouble. We worry, we get angry, then we become more anxious. The art, of course, is knowing what we can control and what we cannot control.

I can’t tell you how often I have heard someone complain about another person in their relationship who is a “control freak”. Well guess what- we all are. Having control helps to lower anxiety- the more anxiety that is felt, the higher need for a sense of control. Ambiguity and surprises do not help people who have anxiety. They want predictability and control. I say, control everything that you reasonably can, but what you cannot control, you pray about. God then takes it from there.

So fellow control freaks, control all the things that are reasonably under your control, and let go of the rest- the stuff out of your control- to God’s provision and plan.

Prayer: Lord, give us the wisdom to know what we can and cannot control, then the wisdom to turn things over to you, Amen

He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him                                 Isaiah 53:3

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.

Sigmund Freud

“We are all in this together”.

Maybe that is the best way to sum up the stuff we go through in life. Pain, in some form, is inevitable. Physical pain, emotional pain, even spiritual pain- we have all experienced it. That is why reaching out to others in our time of grief and pain is so important. It is the common human experience.

Part of my job as a counselor is to be a “tear catcher”. That is a metaphor for being available to people in a time of grief and pain. Actually, people centuries ago would have little glass vials in which they collected tears of grieving individuals. When the tears evaporated, the time of grieving was said to be over.

So much for that theory!

The point is, at any given time, we are all “tear catchers” for those we care about. We are all acquainted with grief and pain, and to the extent that we can be available for one another at those hard times, the more human we feel. We are in a fellowship together.

Jesus was a man acquainted with grief. It was by his own decision that he made himself human and shared in the humanity of suffering. He did it to set us free, ultimately. He loves us and wants to set us free. Meanwhile, we do that for one another while we occupy this planet.

So, count it a high calling when you can be a “tear catcher”. That is when you can feel the most human, and the most in touch with God as his ambassador on earth.

Prayer: Lord, help us to understand that comforting others in pain is our own healing, Amen

And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.                                                           Philippians 4:8

One of the things that counselors do is to help people reframe situations in their life. Reframing is a useful tool to help people see things in a different light. For example, I recently spoke with a client who has been experiencing some painful family dissension. She has seen this a sad event which she believes is an indictment of her parenting. Through this, she has taken some hard looks at her behavior and her worldview, and has seen that she has expectations of herself and others which have cause her great disappointment.

After several sessions of discussion of her situation and behavior, I talked with her about her self-critical views, and how that affects her sense of joy. We talked about seeing these events as learning experiences, which they clearly are, and that she has grown a great deal from this. In fact, she has denied herself a sense of joy because she feels that she has not measured up the way she should.

By defining this period as a positive (though painful) learning experience, she can see that she is working hard to change, and that she is allowed to have joy, even if she has not performed perfectly. By accepting this period as a learning experience, she can put it into a positive light. It is growth, not failure.

I think this is what Paul meant when he said,

 And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.   

Prayer: Lord, help us to see things through the filter of your positive message for us that even as we are learning, you love us right where we are, Amen                                                      

“You flatter me by giving me this award, but I tell you here and now that I accept it for Brian Piccolo. Brian Piccolo is the man of courage who should receive the George S. Halas Award. It is mine tonight, it is Brian Piccolo’s tomorrow.. . . I love Brian Piccolo and I’d like all of you to love him too. Tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him.”

Gayle Sayers (Football Hall of Fame player)

Gayle Sayers was a remarkable football player. To see him run with a football was poetry in motion. Yet, for all of that athletic talent, his greatest fame was that of being a wonderful human being. The man he praised in the above speech was a lesser athlete, Brian Piccolo, his Chicago Bears teammate. Brian Piccolo too was a wonderful human being. He also was dying of cancer.

I was in high school when these two were playing for the Bears. For some reason, I always liked Brian Piccolo, who played football at a “non-football school”, Wake Forest University. I guess I always liked underdogs, and Brian Piccolo was certainly that. Brian Piccolo had a huge heart and great desire, if not great talent. He also had a history of making sure that his Black teammates and even his Black foes on other teams who came South to play were treated with dignity and respect. In those days, Black athletes often suffered cruel indignities when they traveled in the southern United States.

Brian Piccolo was a White man, yet he knew that treating people of all races and color with dignity was the right thing to do, even if it cost him something. He ended up being a roommate of Gayle Sayers, and these two men, one White, one Black, became fast friends. This would not at all be remarkable today, but in the mid 1960’s, that was newsworthy, and even provocative.

If you are not familiar with the story, watch the classic movie, Brian’s Song. Prepare to cry. However, the point of this story is not a maudlin, sappy story from ancient history. The behavior of these two men was heroic and inspiring. They lived out, quite literally, the Christian life. They loved one another and it cost them something to do that.

Love always costs something. There cannot be love without sacrifice- Jesus was the prime example of that. Remember these men who inspired us a generation ago.

Their story still teaches us.  

Prayer: Lord, thank you for people like Gayle Sayers and Brian Piccolo. They have taught us well, Amen