Write It Out

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.               Colossians 4:6

I recently met with a couple who have trouble communicating without talking over one another and becoming defensive. They love one another, but they both have a seemingly urgent need to get their point across, and this leads to arguments, hurt and distance. They hold resentments for several reasons, but part of that is feeling disrespected and not heard by the other.

I have observed this over the sessions we have had, and I have suggested that they write one another letters. When they are talking, they are too busy formulating their responses and defensive stances. They fail to hear one another. Also, in the heat of the discussion, emotions overcome cognition, and the discussion becomes much more emotional than rational. Neither feels heard, and each ends up frustrated and angry. We then have a full circle of failed communication.

I suggested that they write letters to one another to articulate their point of view. Writing “slows the train down” to the point that each one can put forth a more compelling, rational viewpoint. Each have reasonable point to be expressed, but that gets lost in the heat of the moment. Excess energy produces both light and heat. I suggested that they need more light than heat when they are communicating.

So, maybe because it is because I am a writer that I like this form of communication. Writing out a letter to the other person allows us to get better control of our emotions, and gives us the luxury of editing the final product. When we have gone over exactly what we want to say, we can deliver it to the other, and let them marinate a bit on the response before formulating a defensive retort.  

I understand that we cannot always write out what we want to say, but slowing down the process allows us to have a more reasoned, and often more compassionate response rather than a “shoot from the hip” response that may be harsher than we intend.  

Prayer: Lord, help us to take the time to truly hear one another, Amen