The Three Questions

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

Ephesians 5:25

We are three-part beings, physical, spiritual. In relationships, we need to connect with our significant partners on all three levels to have a complete relationship. One of the typical homework assignments that I give to my couples is the “3 Questions”. This is a very basic formula for communication, but sometimes, just having a “formula” for communication helps. So, I break it down to a basic homework, and it looks like this.

Take a designated, intentional time to connect with one another. Say it is at 7:30PM (it is anytime that works well for the couple). During that time, disruptions should be eliminated as well as possible. With young children, this is more challenging, but it is possible with some planning, usually. During this time, the couple is to use these three questions to connect with one another on a spiritual and emotional level. The questions are: “What is the best thing that happened today?” We want to start out with positive energy, and it is good to begin with an enjoyable feeling or encounter. Each partner shares this, and then we move on to the next question: “What was your biggest challenge today?” We always have something that is a challenge- a co-worker, the job, traffic, a chronic pain, whatever it might be. The couple shares on this for a bit, then finally, we end with a spiritual, positive question: “Where did you see God today?” This could be anything, even a small occurrence, but we need to recall it and share it to give it power and meaning.

Having shared these questions, the couple is connected a bit more, both emotionally and spiritually. I ask them to conclude with a brief time of holding hands and praying. It does not need to be “out loud” prayer, but the point is connecting in prayer with some physical, (holding hands), as well as spiritual connection.

In a nutshell, the couple has connected on all three human levels, perhaps in a space of just 15-20 minutes. If couples actually commit to doing this simple exercise regularly, they will be better connected.  I always give the caveat, do not say that you are going to do this, and then not do it. You will be worse off for having said it and NOT done it than never having discussed the process at all. If you say you are going to do this, then be a person of your word and do it. I believe that this works, because I have prescribed this for years and I have seen some very, very positive results.

It is just like anything else. It works if you work it!

Prayer: Father, you have wired us to be people of connection with one another and with you. Help us to honor that connection, Amen.

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