For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I have had a number of clients who truly regret some of their past actions, and the presence of the pain that such actions have brought. They are trying to make changes, but the progress seems slow, and perhaps others do not see the striving that they are undergoing. They may become frustrated with themselves, and doubt themselves. “Am I a worthy person?” they may ask.  

These are fairly common feelings and reactions. It is easy to get bogged down by slow growth, and the reminders of past failures. It may be at this point that I remind them that we are all “the people we are striving to become”. This is the “future self principle”.

What do I mean by this? Simply, we are a work in progress, and we are not yet where we want to be. However, the very desire to become a person of more discipline, or empathy, or kindness- whatever- is the thing that defines us. We are that person who wants to be, and to do, better. The striving is the definer. No, we have not yet reached the final destination, but we are on the course to get there. We need to be reminded that as long as we are striving to become that person, that direction itself defines us.

We are on the way…

Prayer: Lord, remind us that we are made in your image, and striving toward you, Amen

“You’ll never run out of material.”                                                                              John Jung

“I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member.”                                                                    Groucho Marx

All the days of the afflicted are bad,
but one with a cheerful heart has a continual feast                                                           Proverbs 15:15

If we are willing to laugh at ourselves, we will never run out of material. Yes, it is true, and it is a principle of good mental and emotional health. Learning to “not take ourselves too seriously” is a key to contentment, and a tool for continual renewal.

Laughter at ourselves is healthy, refreshing, and it takes the edge off of trying to be perfect. It is far better to be aware of our own mistakes, foibles and quirks than to be blind to them, only to have to have someone else point them out to us. If they do, we might become defensive- especially if at the core we know it is true. Don’t you just hate that?

Sometimes anxiety says to us- (remember, I said in an earlier blog that anxiety is our travelling partner, so we might as well get used to it)- “you should have thought of that”; or “that’s not gonna work”; or “this project will be a disaster”; or “if people find out how incompetent you are…”

I remember telling my interns a story when I was supervising them.

Many years ago, I had just taken a new job at Miami County Mental Health Center, having come from work at the state hospital as a social worker. I realized that I had a huge learning curve in working in a community mental health setting.  My work at the state hospital had been difficult, but it was a very different challenge in this new setting. I thought to myself “If they have any idea how incompetent I am here, they will surely fire me”. And I laughed. It was not true, really. I mean, I was incompetent, they would just never get the chance to find out!

My interns usually laughed, and also felt great relief. Because that is exactly how they felt too at the time. My willingness to laugh at myself, and then share it, gave relief to a common anxiety- “I will be found out as a fraud”.  The truth was, we weren’t frauds, just inexperienced, and we knew it. But laughing about it defused it, normalized it, and we could get on with the business of learning, not worrying.

So, laughter is good, especially when we can see it in ourselves. Like I said, we’ll never run out of material.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the gift of laughter. It is healing to our body and soul, Amen

As my readers know, I grew up loving baseball. I always loved to speculate on player trades because that sparked a lot of fan interest. Of course, I always wanted my team to get the better of the trade so that we could strengthen our team, and maybe weaken an opponent. Then as I got older, I recognized that the best trades are those that benefit both teams. After all, who is going to engage in a one-sided trade- unless you really didn’t know the baseball business. (Let us not discuss the trade of Frank Robinson from the Reds back in 1966- Reds fans know what I mean)

Now as the stakes get higher, and we talk about negotiations between two entities, such as businesses or Congress, we know that compromise is a way of getting a deal, and seeing that the idea of “win-win” is a good idea. Both sides can get at least some of what they want or need.

Unfortunately, in the United States today, each political party tends to demonize the other. In so doing, trades and compromise cannot happen. The base of each party will howl with fury about dealing with those opponents who are “wrong and evil”.

As long as we demonize the other party, we hurt ourselves. In the long run, we ARE on the same team. Let’s not call opponents horrible names and then expect that we can make a win-win deal. Civility is a basis for trades, compromise and a sense of community. Is it too much to ask that our elected officials act civilly toward one another so that we can make things better for all?

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.                                                                  I Peter 5:7

I recently spoke with a client who has anxiety, and we discussed some ideas which I usually share with clients struggling with anxiety. I call it the “Anxiety Tool Kit”. The point of having a tool kit is that one can use the tools to work on a project. Working on something like anxiety is just that- using new behaviors to combat anxiety.

I reminded the client that one cannot “think your way out of a thinking problem” such as anxiety. One must behave your way out of the problem. If we can change or manage certain behaviors, we now have control. Control is the antidote to anxiety. So, we discussed several behaviors, over which she has total control, which she can use when anxious. She can then use these to help “behave her way” out of a thinking problem.   

True for all of us. So, when confronted with anxiety, don’t try to think your way out of it- behave your way out of it.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see that there is a solution to every problem if we can see it from the right perspective, Amen

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ                                                                                  Ephesians 4:15

I had occasion to recently talk with a client about her codependent tendencies. In short, she admitted that she often does not tell the truth to her husband about how she really feels because she does not want to upset him and start an argument. While one can argue that this can indeed be a virtue at times, often it simply is the virtue to an extreme. In actuality, the truth sets us free.

The apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians to “speak the truth in love”. This client has been reluctant to speak the truth of her feelings to shield a husband who may not be able to grow without that truth. I suggested to her that it is not her responsibility to convince him of the truth (of his likely alcohol abuse), but she is responsible to deliver that truth in a loving way.

In other words, she can speak her truth of the pain she feels in this situation, and the truth that his alcohol use is killing him. She is not responsible for convincing him of that truth. That is the Holy Spirit’s job. In fact, the Holy Spirit will do that in the right timing, and the right way, but her husband may or may not be responsive to that. Either way, she has done her job, and she can have peace with that.

We are wired to want to convince others of our viewpoint. We believe in it, and we ourselves are convinced of it. Letting go of the need to convince others is so very hard.

But that truth sets us free.

 Prayer: Lord, help us to speak truth in a loving way, and let your Spirit do the convincing, Amen

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver                                    Proverbs 25:11

Sometimes when I talk with clients, I ask them “What gives you Oxygen?” The idea, of course, is “what energizes you, gives you extra reason to persevere, drives you to be your best?” When they have considered that, we discuss ways to increase that “Oxygen” for them.

Then I might ask, “What gives your partner/spouse Oxygen?” Sometimes the client knows what gives their partner such a boost, but they may feel too depleted themselves to offer such Oxygen to their partner. Or, they may feel hurt by their partner, and they knowingly, or unknowingly, withhold that life-giving thing.  

We all need Oxygen, literally, to live. Yet we also need that emotional or spiritual Oxygen too. Consider what your Oxygen is, and what that might be for those around you whom you love.

Prayer: Lord, help us to understand what life-giving things we can give to ourselves, and to those around us Amen

Be a good citizen. All governments are under God. Insofar as there is peace and order, it’s God’s order. So, live responsibly as a citizen. If you’re irresponsible to the state, then you’re irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible. Duly constituted authorities are only a threat if you’re trying to get by with something. Decent citizens should have nothing to fear.

 Do you want to be on good terms with the government? Be a responsible citizen and you’ll get on just fine, the government working to your advantage. But if you’re breaking the rules right and left, watch out. The police aren’t there just to be admired in their uniforms. God also has an interest in keeping order, and he uses them to do it. That’s why you must live responsibly—not just to avoid punishment but also because it’s the right way to live.                                                                                              Romans 13:1-5 (The Message)

For those of us of a certain age, October 25, 1962 was a very harrowing day. That day, and a few of the days on either side of it, were the high point of the Cuban Missile Crisis. I remember it quite well, as will others in my generation. The Cold War was really a thing folks. We were, as many historians will note, as close as we had ever been to war with the Soviet Union. Might it have been the holocaust that people predicted it could be? Thank God we will never know.

I recall the relief that we experienced when the crisis was averted, and the nation gave a collective sigh of relief.  Mind you, this was the recollection of a then 12- year-old boy. Crises tend to mark memories in an indelible way. We mark them and stand by them, even though researchers tell us that those memories are often formed by many factors, and that such recall is not always perfect. I will grant that. I will also stick by what I felt at that time. I was convinced that my leaders were completely dedicated and trustworthy. I felt safe believing that we were the safest and strongest country in the world. We trusted our leaders.

It wasn’t very many years later that the same President who guided us through the crisis had been assassinated, and our hearts were broken, and evil seemed very palpable. Then Watergate and a host of other events so eroded our faith in elected government, that such faith was hardly in evidence.

We are called upon to pray for our leaders, no matter our political affiliation, or even our trust in those leaders. Romans chapter 13 was written at a time when the “leaders” were pagan demagogues who were starting to hunt down Christians. Yet, they were called to submit to their government officials.

Can we do any less than at least pray for our current government leaders?  

Prayer: Lord we do lift up all of our elected officials in these difficult times. Help them to lead in wisdom, Amen.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows                                                                          Matthew 10: 29-31

Yes, it is an odd name for the blog today. The topic came up in a session with a client where I was explaining the Intentional Positive Self Talk (IPST for short) homework. Intentional Positive Self Talk, if you recall, is an exercise I ask clients to do at the end of the day- maybe right before nodding off to sleep. The object is to identify two or three behaviors from the day that you felt good about. Little decisions that were good for you or someone else that indicated a good decision, however small.

Hence, the furnace filter. My client was having a hard time coming up with things she did during the day because they never quite measured up to what she would consider a good decision worthy of recall at the end of the day. It was never quite enough for her. That is when I gave her an example from my own life.

I had on my “to do” list to change the furnace filter. I did that this morning because it was on my list, and I wanted it off the list. I wanted it to be completed. So, it may have taken me two minutes or thereabouts to do it. Clearly it was a small thing. But since it had been on my list, and I completed it, it qualified as an item for IPST. Yes, something that small can be a bigger thing if it checks a bigger box that just a “chore”. It became a promise I kept- a promise to myself, however small.

I used this illustration for my client because it was such a little deal- but it meant more in the larger picture. So, dear readers, what might your “furnace filter” story be?

Prayer: Lord, we know even the small things in our life are important to you. Thank you, Amen

You Can Observe a Lot by Just Watching                                                                                                                                                                                          Yogi Berra

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.                                                                                                                         Jeremiah 29:11

We had a robin who had built her nest in a wreath on our front door. This must have been a good idea for her, since she is the second bird who has built a nest in that wreath this past spring. It was not, however, a good idea for us. She had built the nest pretty quickly, and we really only took notice after she had laid her eggs. We decided that we would give her as much privacy as one can, given that the nest is on a door that does need to open periodically.

We decided to use other egress out of the house when we would leave- usually the garage, or the door to the deck. She had become as comfortable as a bird can be under the circumstances, living just on the other side of our door, and always visible through the windows on the door.

One day while working in the front yard, I upset her and her boisterous mate who jealously helps her guard “their territory”. They squawk, yell, chirp and make whatever other bird sounds that signal – I suppose – fear and anger.

I thought about this from another perspective. This is my house, and they are mad because I am present on my own property. I mean them no harm. In fact, we have gone out of our way to give them a safe place, undisturbed (generally) for them to prosper. If they only knew that we are trying to help them and protect them so that they can launch their little ones into the world.

Yet they are skittish, angry at my presence, and feel threatened when we get too close.

Then I thought about how we sometimes treat God in his creation. We sometimes fail to remember his love and protection for us, even becoming angry at him when our plans go awry. He means for us to prosper, even when we don’t understand the situation.

Prayer: Thank you for your plans, your ways, which are higher than our ways, Amen

I spoke with a client recently who was recounting to me her experience in getting an MRI. I’m sure many of my readers are familiar with the MRI machine, a narrow tube which gives excellent images of the body for diagnostic purposes. The bad news is- it is a narrow tube.

Many people feel confined and claustrophobic in such an environment. This induces terror into some people who feel that they cannot deal with such a situation given the anxiety that it triggers.

I recently talked about this with a client who had experienced an early trauma where she had been pinned down and molested as a young girl. The idea of confinement in this long tube was frightening. It was a trauma trigger. Fortunately, she was given an exit strategy. If she simply squeezed the ball she had been given, that would signal to the staff that she needed help.

This reassured the client such that she was able to undergo the procedure with no mishaps, and she did not even need to squeeze the ball.  Why did this work? Because she had been given an exit strategy. She did not need to use it, but knowing it was there if she needed it made all the difference.

This was a great example of the anxiety tool kit that I talk with my clients about. Just knowing there is help, or a way out, makes all the difference. The idea that we have some control in an anxiety producing situation gives us what we need to get through the anxiety.

Even if we never have to use it.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us many tools to ease our anxiety. Thank you for your provision, Amen