Immature love says: “I love you because I need you” Mature love says I need you because I love you” Erich Fromm

I have an exercise that I give to my couples counseling clients that involves asking five simple questions that they share with one another in order to connect physically, spiritually and emotionally. One of those questions is “What do you need right now?”

A simple question, but an important one for several reasons. First, this gets each one in touch with what their own needs are. Often, we do not stop and think for ourselves what we might need at this moment. We need to first identify what we need before we can ask for it.

Another consideration is that sometimes we unconsciously assume that our partner knows what we need. We somehow expect that our partner can read our mind! It is just fine to identify what we need and then to ask for it. If we do not do that, we may get frustrated, and then we may blame it on the wrong person when that need is not met.

So, asking for what we need may seem like a simple thing- and it can be- but it does take some thought and communication.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us all the tools we need to communicate our needs, help us to use them well, Amen

Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom; listen very closely to the way I see it. Then you’ll acquire a taste for good sense; what I tell you will keep you out of trouble                                  Proverbs 5:1-2

I recently spoke with a client, who struggles with anxiety, causing her high need for control. As I have said in the past, we are ALL control freaks. We want as much control as we can get. Understandable. The problem is, there are many things out of our control.

I spoke with the client about the idea of problem ownership. The person owning the problem gets to solve it. She has a hard time because she wants to take care of her family, and make everything right. The problem is, she is not the solver of their problems.

I told her that my definition of respect is trusting that other people can solve their own problems. Certainly, we are glad to help when asked- of course! However, unsolicited advice feels like criticism to the receiver of such advice.

So, we all typically have great motives of wanting to help others, but we must first understand, who owns the problem, and who is responsible to solve it.

Prayer: Lord, help us to discern the best way to love others, Amen

God, teach me lessons for living so I can stay the course. Give me insight so I can do what you tell me— my whole life one long, obedient response.                                                           Psalm 119:33 (The Message)

At dinner with a friend the other evening, we were talking about leadership, and I mentioned the great coach Dean Smith. Dean Smith, the Hall of Fame coach of North Carolina University, died a number of years ago, and in his will, he left a unique gift. He had bequeathed to every player who had ever played for him over his career a check for $200. In the letter that accompanied the check, the old coach encouraged his former players to “enjoy a dinner, compliments of coach Dean Smith”. Smith showed in this his gratitude and respect for his old players. They no longer played for him, yet he remembered them and cared for them.  

My friend noted that the late John Wooden, Hall of Fame coach for UCLA for decades, started the year with his new players with a lesson- how to properly tie shoes. This simple, mundane lesson carried a lot of strong messages. It told his players that the smallest details were important. Take nothing for granted. Further, it was a practical life lesson in teaching something to his players that he believed – “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts”.  

I think it also gave the message to his players that things were to be done the way he required them. An example of that was his interactions with former star Bill Walton. Bill Walton was an extremely talented basketball player. He also had his own style and beliefs. When Coach Wooden asked Walton to cut his long hair (this was in the early 1970’s), Bill stated that he would wear his hair long. Walton had been player of the year the previous season, and UCLA had won the national championship. Walton figured that coach’s short hair rule would not apply to him. When Walton contested the coach’s order, Wooden said, “Well Bill, we are going to miss you. You have 15 minutes to get your hair cut”.

Walton hurried to comply!

I love these old stories of great leaders. May we never stop learning!

Prayer: Lord, you have given us teachers and models to guide us. Help us to have the humility to follow them, Amen

“‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…

Matthew 6:9-10

This is, of course, a passage which has given us the most well-known prayer on earth- The Lord’s Prayer. We learn it as children, and we retain it our entire lives. It is, in fact, so ingrained in us, recited in a rote manner, that we may miss the richness of the prayer.

The sentence, “your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” sounds like a nice pleasantry that can become a bit of a catchphrase. Actually, it is the hardest thing we are called to do. We are actually being called to bring a bit of heaven down to earth by the actions we choose to do. Jesus was the embodiment of “heaven to earth”, and we are called to live that legacy out by making earth look a bit more like heaven.

Yes, we have a very long way to go on that, and no, we will never accomplish it in our tenure here. However, we have been called to not simply wait for the day we can go to heaven and all will be peace and joy. We are called to bring a measure of heaven’s peace and joy to earth. We do that by loving other people, encouraging them, helping them, grieving with them, and all other human connections that aid one another on this life’s journey.

So, the next time you recite the Lord’s Prayer, remember that he always intended for us to make earth a bit more like heaven.

Prayer: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you                                             II Corinthians 13:11

I recently talked with a client whose husband had an affair. She talked about the concepts of forgiveness and trust, and she was unsure of how she felt about how to proceed with him. She asked if forgiveness preceded trust, or if trust precedes forgiveness. I replied that forgiveness come first, because that is what she can control. She can decide to forgive him, and that it is both a one-time and daily process.

Yes, we make a decision to forgive, but we need to regularly remind ourselves of that forgiveness as thoughts and hurts come to mind, as they inevitably will. Trust is built by the offender over time. It is a difficult and often painful process, but it can be rebuilt. It is built by a long-term pattern of small promises kept, personal accountability, and transparency.

Rebuilding a marriage or relationship that has been broken by an affair is a long and hard process. Many relationships cannot weather such a trauma. The ones that do are marked by two committed persons who have decided to do some very hard work. I have seen numerous heroic couples repair a broken relationship to a point where their current state is now better than the original relationship. Unfortunately, the success rate is not as high as the failure rate.

There is hope, but it is marked with hard work, commitment, and spiritual dependence, as well as good social and family supports.

It is worth the effort.

Prayer: Thank you for the healing available in forgiveness and trust, Amen

to take a fresh breath and to let God renew your attitude and spirit.                                          Ephesians 4:23 (The Voice)

I was talking with a client recently and she talked about “coping” with certain situations. I asked if I could help her see that another word might work better. I suggested that she talk about “managing” those issues rather than coping with them. Why is that important? Well, I think words matter, and even nuances like the difference between “coping” and “managing” can mean a lot.   

The word coping tends to be a passive word, like “enduring”. While coping with problems or chronic situations can be considered a good thing, I think that it implies a certain passivity or maybe even a sense of helplessness.

Managing a situation, however, implies a sense of control. It says “There are things that I can do or that I am now doing that can help me in this situation.” Managing does not mean alleviating necessarily. It does however give a sense of power and control, even if we cannot completely change the outcome.

One does not think about saying “I am coping with my diabetes” (at least I hope not). One does say “I am managing my diabetes to keep it under better control.” The same is true with anxiety and depression. Yes, there is a sense of making peace with the idea that we need help with these conditions, but then we do the things we need to do. We manage them through therapy, medication, exercise, spiritual and social connections, and developing a support team.

The words we use to explain our situation may indicate some hidden feelings about what is happening. Thinking in terms of behaviors that we can do to better take control of the things that are causing us pain is a more helpful way to look at those things.

Prayer: Lord, give us the discernment to see that we can change the way we look at problems, Amen.

 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us…                                                             Romans 12:6

I recently listened to a podcast featuring Dr. Elizabeth Orr, speaking about the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a testing tool and explanation system that helps people understand how they view and interact with the world around them. The Enneagram has become much more popular in recent years, largely due to social media. It has become a topic of conversation by many Christians who accept this as a way of seeing how we can better understand ourselves and others.

I am no expert on the Enneagram, but I do find it interesting. One of the big advantages of such tools, like the Myers-Briggs, StrengthFinder and Enneagram, is to see them as a vehicle of self-compassion. When we can learn and accept how we are wired, and how we see the world, we can then see that as how God made us differently, but also masterfully.

We can experience and accept that our “wiring” is just how God planned us, and that no “wiring” is better than another- just different. We can also see that others perceive the world in a different way than we do.

That is a good thing to celebrate.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the diversity of gifts you have endowed us with, Amen

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,
  I will be exalted in the earth.

 Psalm 46:10

MOntana 1-6002. That was my phone number when I was growing up in Cincinnati, Ohio. That’s how we used to do it. No area code. The MO were the letters associated with numbers on the rotary phone. You see a rotary phone…

No, I will not go into the weeds with that. You either know that or you don’t. If you don’t, you missed out on some interesting times from the “wayback machine”. You see the wayback machine… Never mind.

Our understanding of phones now is light years away from the 1957 version of phones. Back then, we were on a party line. So, if Mrs. Mangold was on the phone with her friend (and when wasn’t she?) you had to wait to use the phone until she was finished with her stories. Yes, I might have listened in on a few stories, but they were not very interesting, and I was usually upset that I could not talk to my friends if she was hogging the phone line.

Today, phones are so ingrained into our lives that we are never more than an arm’s length away from one- literally. I have come to the point that if I am not otherwise occupied with something for more than a few minutes, I am reaching for the phone to scroll ESPN, or Facebook, or some other distraction because my brain is always looking for stimulation.

No, that is not progress my friends. It has become part of my routine, and it is not always the best thing to do. Because instead of just experiencing life moment by moment, relishing the peace of no distractions, I find myself looking for some kind of stimuli.  

Yes, it can be helpful when I cannot remember the name of that actor in that movie we saw a few weeks ago. I just look it up, and my memory, which is not as good as it used to be, is suddenly enhanced by the miracle of the hand-held internet.

Yes, technology is amazing, and I am not technology averse. Technology is great, as long as it does not rob us of the peace of just living in the moment with no external distractions.

Prayer: Lord, help us to experience the joy of peace in a quiet moment, Amen

 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.                                                            Ephesians 5:29-33 (The Message)

In putting together a workshop on partner counseling, I came up with a few things I will share with my readers…

I like to approach all my counseling work from a strengths-based perspective. We all have gifts and strengths from birth, and we exercise those strengths in our daily life and relationships. The very strengths and gifts which draw people to their partners are the very ones that drive each other crazy some years later. Aren’t we just a confounding creation?

We need to give hope to couples who are seeking our help. They may have lost hope for their relationship, but we as counselors can offer them hope for a better life and relationship.

Humor can deflect escalating tensions in relationships. We need to be able to laugh at our own foibles and quirks.

As much as possible, we as counselors need to affirm our clients, recognize their work, and tell them that we know the counseling process is sometimes not easy, but it is worth it.

Just some thoughts for today from a counselor’s perspective.

Prayer: Lord, give strength to relationships that are struggling at this time, Amen

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.                                Proverbs 15:1 (Living Bible)

I was recently talking with a couple who are trying to enhance their relationship. They are a delightful couple, but both are prone to a quick temper at times. Their words to one another can become harsh and cutting. Both are bright and articulate, and both feel the need for control.

In other words, they are kind of a normal couple. They are open to changes and they are responding well to the homework I give them. I have spoken to them about a “kindness filter”. That is, we all exercise our brain’s prefrontal cortex in which we find our social filters. In social settings, we typically use the filter of determining what is a socially acceptable response. Thank God that we have such a filter, for that is what gives us social order and civility.

I challenged this couple to exercise that filter while at home with one another. I had asked them if they would treat co-workers or friends in the same manner that they treat one another at times.  Both agreed that, no, they will treat co-workers and friends with more respect and grace than they do one another at times.

They love one another, and they are committed to one another. They agreed to try using their “kindness filter” at home with one another. Yes, the idea is simple, but the execution of it is not easy. It takes self-awareness and discipline, as well as practice, to get the behavior into a habit.  What a joy it is to see this couple working hard and treating one another with the “kindness filter.”

They are not perfect at it, of course, but it is working.

Prayer: Lord, help us to be graceful in our speech to all we encounter, Amen