Without wise leadership, a nation is in trouble; but with good counselors there is safety.             Proverbs 11:14

Being a counselor, I of course advocate for people to get counseling. It is a normal, helpful tool that anyone can benefit from. Over the years, the stigma of going to counseling has decreased markedly, and that is a very good thing. There is no big secret about how or why counseling works. You get to talk with someone who is going to listen to you- hear your story- in order get rapport and show respect in order to help you through some of life’s difficult times. They will help you to see things objectively, and will give you feedback about that. They will be honest, and they will be loving in their approach.

As I have said numerous times, deciding to go to counseling can be difficult because people may not know what to expect. They may fear showing vulnerability, and yet that is the very essence of human healing. Acknowledging (not admitting, acknowledging– big difference when you think about that) that we are vulnerable and in need of help is a courageous step, not a sign of weakness. It is the beginning of a healthy journey.

My job as a counselor is not to judge you, but to engage with you to find solutions for problems. It is to come alongside you as a support and also an accountability person to keep you on track. Frankly, our job as counselors is to show God’s love to people as human vessels of support, encouragement, and engagement.

Yes, we have developed tools to diagnose and treat clinical conditions that need treatment- things like anxiety, depression, trauma recovery, mood disorders, relationship problems, and many more issues. We will refer to helpful resources, and typically, we will refer our clients to doctors for a physical examination, and/or to psychiatry for medication if needed. We will give homework, and we will ask for accountability on that work. The work of counseling is not all played out in the counseling session, it is effected through the work of the client outside the counseling venue.

I mentioned earlier that we acknowledge our vulnerability, not admit to it. You see, admission has the connotation of wrong doing. Acknowledgment is acceptance of a purely human condition. See the difference? Yes, words matter!

So, if I have opened the door just a little to make counseling a good alternative, I have done my job.

Prayer: Lord, you have given us one another to share the journey marked out for us. Give us wisdom in helping others along the path, Amen.

I’m speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it’s important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.             Romans 12:3 (The Message)

Recently had an interesting discussion with a client about our viewpoints on gratitude. We sometimes tend to focus on what we don’t have as opposed to what we do have. When we feel victimized or oppressed, we tend to focus on what we don’t have and what others do have. When we are in a state of gratefulness, we recognize what we do have and what others do not have.  

In the United States, we possess what a large percentage of the world would literally give their lives to have – freedom, economic opportunity, and a democratic voice in choosing our leaders. Do we have proper gratitude for that, or do we have a sense of entitlement to such blessings?

Tomorrow, I will celebrate, in this space, the 80^th anniversary of the D-Day invasion, which helped defeat Nazi oppression in World War II. Today, I celebrate with gratitude, all the wonderful gifts that we have that many in the world do not have – the pleasure of knowing political and economic choices.  

Let us make sure that we can give those gifts to our children and grandchildren.

Prayer: Lord, we are indeed grateful for the gifts that you so freely bestow upon us, Amen

You have heard me teach things that have been confirmed by many reliable witnesses. Now teach these truths to other trustworthy people who will be able to pass them on to others.                                            II Timothy 2:22

I recently had a discussion with a client about the need to reinvent ourself as we go on in our career. I am at the point in my career that I can look back a lot and reflect. Yet, just looking back at the “old days” would not be a very helpful exercise if I did not use it to pass on to others some things I have learned along my journey. Sharing wisdom and experiences gained over our lifetime is not only a privilege, it is a responsibility.

I tell my clients sometimes that we need to spend most of our time looking through the windshield, not the rearview mirror. Looking back through that mirror is helpful, even necessary at times, but if we spend a majority of our time looking backwards, we will be in trouble. We won’t be able to see what is in front of us.

As we age, we need to keep looking forward- to continue reinventing ourselves to remain relevant and viable. We do have much to share with our younger brothers and sisters, but in order to do that, we need to stay current, and engaged with the culture.

Yes, there is a tendency- I have a tendency- to look back wistfully at the past. It is a nice thing to do once in a while, and it is often comforting. But we must remember that we still have a future, no matter what our age, and we owe it to those following us to give as much guidance and direction as we can.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for the plan to pass on to others the things we have learned from our journey, Amen

Our pastor delivered his sermon from II Corinthians, and explained to us how we are ambassadors for God on earth. It reminded me of a teaching I did for our Lay Pastor community many years ago. I dusted it off to share today for your consideration…

These are essential attributes of a faithful ambassador:

Trustworthy. He/she will represent the interests of the sending authority– Remember who the Sending Authority is

• Has the full credit and authority of the sender– God has given us all that we need. Like Moses, our staff in our hand is enough! We don’t go in our own strength, but that of the King.

• Is empowered to act on behalf of the sending authority– God has chosen to limit Himself by sending us broken vessels to propagate the Kingdom on earth. He has empowered us to deliver the news of His love and salvation!

• Trusted not to exceed authority vested in her/him–We can do nothing without Christ, nor should we want to act outside our given authority. 

• Spreads good will on behalf of the sender– Our job is to win friends for the Kingdom, not win arguments. Judging others does not win friends!

• Understands the customs and culture of where he/she is sent– We are in a foreign land, but we need to respect the customs to gain a hearing.

• Understands the mission given by the sending authority– Our mission is to love people into the Kingdom, to reflect the loving nature of God.

• Speaks with the authority of the president/leader– God has given us Truth as the standard so we speak the truth in love to others. We speak the truth boldly toe who do not understand it.

• Maintains close, regular communication with the sending authority We can do nothing without prayer as a connection to our Sender

• Citizenship remains in the sending country– Remember who we are and whose we are. Our citizenship is in the Kingdom of God.

• Must learn to understand and affiliate with foreign assignment without losing sight of the mother country and citizenship. In the world, but not of it…

• Helps to protect the interests of fellow citizens in a foreign land– Above all we must tend to the needs of brothers or sisters in Christ as we journey this world together.

Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that can have a profound physical and emotional impact on a person. It can be caused by a single event, such as a car accident or a natural disaster, or by repeated exposure to stressful or traumatic situations, such as child abuse or domestic violence.                                                                                                       Dr. Mayank Saxena

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.                                           I Peter 3:8

I spoke with some clients recently who experienced trauma fairly early in their lives. Now, years later, they still report the lingering effects of those early traumatic events. We know that trauma literally changes the way that our brain processes information. It is not uncommon to have some dissociative effects during the trauma event, and even many years later.

Why does this happen? I don’t know. Perhaps neurologists and other specialists in brain functioning may have an explanation. What I do know is that trauma is a baffling thing. What constitutes trauma for each of us may also be very different. Trauma can be a physical event, a psychological event, or an emotional event- or all three.

We all know of someone who has experienced trauma to the point of having the diagnosis PTSD. Indeed, as I write this, hundreds of thousands of people, perhaps millions of people, in the world are living with daily traumatic events.

As we consider the behavior we experience from others, we may not often pause to think about what events may be informing their behavior. So, think about the story that others may live, and what they have experienced. People live with trauma that is often not shared with others.  

Prayer: Lord, help us to pause and think of the stories that others may silently carry, Amen

To answer before listening is foolish and shameful.

Proverbs 18:13

I have had several clients this week who have suffered with anxiety, as well as grief, and I noted once again that just having someone really hear the pain that they are in is a start to their healing. Sometimes, clients are dismissed by others, who sometimes have good intentions, by responses like, “just let it go”, or “you take things too seriously”.

People with anxiety know that they need to let things go, and that they do overthink. What they need is understanding, validation of the pain, and then some solid support from those that care for them.

Just getting into the space that people who have clinical anxiety live in can be a start to healing. They can be encouraged that they will learn to control their anxiety- that they can manage this monster in their life. I let people know that the anxiety simply won’t “go away”, but that with some time and tools, and perhaps medication, they will be able to manage the anxiety, and they will learn to control the anxiety- the anxiety won’t control them.

So, my friends, good empathic listening is a wonderful healing tool. We all have more power to heal than we realize.

Prayer: Lord, you have given the gift of healing to all of us in some forms. Help us to see that gift, Amen

 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”

 So He said, “I will certainly be with you. And this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.”                                        Exodus 3:11-12

I spoke recently with a client about her difficult marriage. She was very upset that her husband was not really paying attention to what she needs and asks of him. Her husband told her that he loved her, but his actions did not reflect a willingness to do things for her that he saw as “uncomfortable”. She told him that mere words do not help how she feels about being isolated and minimalized.

She very much wanted his approval, and she was frustrated that she cannot change the way he looks at her or their marriage. I suggested to the client that she could make changes that will help her rather than waiting for her husband to make changes. This is especially important because she does not have the ability to change his behavior. She can only change hers.

I certainly understand where this client was coming from. She was hurt and frustrated and she wanted things to change. The problem is that if there is going to be change, she is the one who can make the changes that will give her a sense of validation. First, however, she needs to see her own self-worth. It cannot be dependent upon her husband.

We often look for behavior changes in others that might make us feel better- validated, worthwhile, even loved. Yet, we have in our hands the tools to improve our own lives. When Moses met God at the “burning bush” and God told Moses that he would be the one to lead the Israelites out of Egyptian captivity, Moses quickly declined, saying that he did not have the ability for such a task.

God’s response was to tell Moses in no uncertain terms that he had, “all that he needed in his hand”- his shepherd’s staff. Read the story as I cited above in Exodus chapter 3, and you will see that God seemed to get frustrated with Moses and his lack of self- confidence as well as his lack of trust that God would cover him in whatever he undertook.

I think the lesson for me is this –

You have all that you need in your hand; trust God and use it.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see that you empower us to do the things that will give us assurance and hope, Amen

Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.”                                                                               John 8:32 (The Message)

I recently spoke with a client about her anxiety. It had been exacerbated over the past few years by a domestic violence scenario whereby she had to be in a heightened state of alertness to protect herself and her young children. She has been out of that marriage for a couple of years, but she still states that she “overthinks things” and cannot sleep well. Little things are blown out of proportion, and she has a hard time not seeing herself as “damaged goods”.

I pointed out to her that her anxiety, at one time, served a somewhat protective service for her. She was hyperalert and vigilant in the past because she had to be for herself and her children. It was protective. Now that state of vigilance and hyper-alertness was causing problems. It was affecting other areas of her life.

After some discussion, she was able to see that she tended to project her own feelings onto others, believing that she was not accepted or acceptable. She had trouble accepting positive feedback, because her anxiety always “whispered to her” that she was inadequate and somehow broken.

The truth is that she is amazingly resilient, courageous, and very successful in her career. She is gradually being able to hear the truth about herself, and that is a wonderful thing to behold.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see things in us that others do- that you do-

 Amen

 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.                                                            Ephesians 5:29-33 (The Message)

In putting together a workshop on partner counseling, I came up with a few things I will share with my readers…

I like to approach all my counseling work from a strengths-based perspective. We all have gifts and strengths from birth, and we exercise those strengths in our daily life and relationships. The very strengths and gifts which draw people to their partners are the very ones that drive each other crazy some years later. Aren’t we just a confounding creation?

We need to give hope to couples who are seeking our help. They may have lost hope for their relationship, but we as counselors can offer them hope for a better life and relationship.

Humor can deflect escalating tensions in relationships. We need to be able to laugh at our own foibles and quirks.

As much as possible, we as counselors need to affirm our clients, recognize their work, and tell them that we know the counseling process is sometimes not easy, but it is worth it.

Just some thoughts for today from a counselor’s perspective.

Prayer: Lord, give strength to relationships that are struggling at this time, Amen

Luke chapter 15

I do love the Book of Luke, possibly my favorite Bible book. Luke captures Jesus as a great storyteller. Those stories indicate the love that Jesus has for those that are lost. He talks about lost sheep, lost coins, and finally a lost son in Luke chapter 15.

These parables were related for a reason. Luke knew that Jesus would want no one to be lost and wandering alone, so he recounted those parables that Jesus told. We are familiar with these stories- they are redemption stories. That which has been lost is found and restored.

In some ways, we all get lost at times, and are wandering alone it may feel. Take heart in the stories that Jesus told. You are not alone. Jesus is always looking for you. Sometimes he does that through friends, relatives, even strangers. Always be open to being found when you are wandering alone.

Jesus would have it that way.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for pursuing us when we are lost, Amen