When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him.

Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.

Job 2: 11,13

There was a movie decades ago starring Peter Sellers titled, Being There. It was vintage Peter Sellers, a veteran comic who had been in the very successful Pink Panther movie series in the 1960’s. In the movie Being There, he played a clueless gardener who was taken, because of his silence and naivete, to somehow be a brilliant, wise person.

The movie was funny, but it pointed to a larger truth. Silence, often just by itself, is golden. In the book of Job, Job was beset by calamities right and left. He refused to be shaken by it, but he was comforted, at least initially, by friends who agreed together to visit their friend Job, and just be with him.   

They were a wonderful comfort to him with their presence. Then they decided to weigh in on why he was having troubles. That is where they made their mistake. Instead of being a comfort, they became a source of irritation. They tried to judge his actions, and ascribe to those actions why God was punishing Job. They meant well, I suppose, but they had become terrible “comforters”.

When they just sat with Job and were sad and lamented with him, they were of great comfort. When they started judging, they became the problem.  

So, the lesson is- just being there for someone, not offering advice or solutions, is a great gift. Do not discount the value of “being there”.

Prayer: Help us Lord not to discount the value of just “being there” with friends, Amen

…hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught                           Psalm 55:2

Do you talk to yourself? I hope so. I know I do.

We are all beset at times by unwanted negative chatter. I call it that unwanted traveling partner that we know as anxiety. Negative self-talk can disrupt us, make us doubt ourself, catastrophize situations, and generally make us believe that our situation is hopeless at times.

We can often reassure ourselves by engaging that self-talk in a more helpful way. For example, talking to ourselves in the third person can distance the strong emotions that can be associated with expectations of doom. By talking to ourselves like another person might, the line of thinking can become more rational and less emotional and catastrophic.

Another question to ask ourselves, and one I ask clients is “How do you think you will feel in three weeks (or 6 months, or whatever timeframe might be more appropriate) when this crisis has subsided?” “How will it be when you come out on the other side of this?”

Our self-talk is often negative and critical- prone to look at the worst possible outcomes of things. Sometimes, it is indeed good to ask that question to ourselves “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Often we find that even the worst outcome is probably sustainable, and that we could manage to get through it, even if that worst thing actually happened.

So, talking to yourself is a really good idea, as long as you can find a loving way to treat yourself!

Prayer: Lord, help us to see ourselves the way you see us, Amen

“I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”                                                                                  Matthew 25:36

One of the blessings of being alive on this planet for 74 years is that I get to see a large swath of change and progress around me. We also get to see our own growth, which is also fascinating, but the subject of another blog.

In the news recently where I live (just north of Dayton, Ohio) the governor of Ohio has set aside funding for a new mental health inpatient facility in Dayton. There is desperate need for it. The irony is, a Dayton mental health facility was closed 16 years ago. Now, we see the need for a new hospital. Well, that need had never gone away. In fact, my first job in the field of mental health was as a social worker in the state hospital at that time, Dayton Mental Health Center.

Mental health treatment was changing rapidly in the 1960’s and 1970’s. New medications were coming out which mitigated the effects of serious mental illness. People with significant thought disorders (delusions) and perceptual problems (auditory and visual hallucinations) which were caused by serious mental illness, were being more or less effectively treated with these new drugs.

Many of the patients in the hospital in those days had deteriorated mentally for many years, and many needed long-term care for their own safety and that of others. As treatments became more available and patients were discharged into the community (theoretically with good support), there was felt to be less need of an institution for their care.

We fast forward 50 years and find that inpatient care, often of longer duration, is still needed to fill the complete spectrum of mental health care. People with chronic mental illness now often find themselves homeless, in prison, or suffering isolation and abuse in a society that does not really understand their needs.

More to come on this. It is timely to think about our response, as Christians, to people in need. How can we best serve the poor and hurting people in our society?

Prayer: Lord, give us wisdom to treat your people with care and dignity, Amen

What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What joys when sins are covered over! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record  Psalm 32:1-2 (Living Bible)

I recently met with a dear young couple who are having relationship problems. There are a host of core issues, and both come to the marriage with some significant trauma of abuse in their family of origin. They hurt one another when they argue, and those old wounds are triggered fairly easily.  

We discussed the issue of forgiveness, and we went into some depth. I discussed with them that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and apologizing. An apology from the offending party is only a partial remedy, because it lets the offender keep the results in his/her hands. In other words, by simply saying “I’m sorry” there may be a tacit understanding that they have sufficiently remedied the problem by owning it and apologizing.

On the other hand, if the offender asks the offended party to grant forgiveness, that puts the locus of control into the hands of the offended. They have been empowered to forgive (or not), and it restores to them some of the dignity lost in the offense.

The other issue that this brings up is the motive for the apology/asking for forgiveness. If the motive is simply to end the discussion or argument, or to alleviate guilt, that motive is incomplete. If the motive is remorse for the wrong that was done- that is, recognition that the offender’s actions have hurt someone they care about, sorrow ensues, and we want the other to be nurtured and cared for- that is a proper and healing place to begin restoration.

These two people have been hurt, and they sometimes cause hurts, but they are remorseful, insightful, and teachable.

This young couple will do fine.

Prayer: Lord, you are the author of forgiveness. Thank you for that foundational process, Amen

 So, in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.                                                                  Galatians 3:26-28

Okay, I am no Bible scholar, so please just take this as my understanding of what Paul is trying to say. In the context of this passage, I see Paul reminding his followers that Jesus came to fulfill the Law. Faith in Jesus, as the operative who supersedes the Law, is the point of the gospel. Jesus came to fulfill the Law, not to destroy it. Jesus told us that. The Law is fulfilled in loving God and one another and trusting in Him alone. If one has love for God and others, he/she does not need to hear “Don’t kill”, “Don’t steal”, “Don’t blaspheme”, “Don’t lie”- you get my drift.

The same is true for esteeming some people higher than others- you know, our tendency toward judging people who are different, disenfranchising women, stuff like that. Paul was clear here that being one in Christ is the key, not the individual flavors we come in such as Jew, Gentile, slave, free, men, and women.

The Bible has, unfortunately, often been used over the centuries by some as a justification for discrimination. Paul reminded the Galatians of the basics of the faith. We are one in Christ, and that is the basis of unity, not division.

Prayer: Lord, keep us mindful of your unity, not division, Amen

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.                                                 Romans 12:21

I saw a client recently who was a victim of serious emotional and financial abuse from her husband. She was berated and abused by this husband whom she recently left. The damage persists however. He had taken away her self-worth, manipulated her weaknesses, and ended up leaving her for another victim.

My client understands her part in this- all too well. She wonders how she could have been taken in by him. She wonders how there can be people in this world who would do such a thing to another person that they said they loved. She is hurt and confused.

Sadly, we see this in the counseling world. People who are broken by the selfishness and narcissism of others. The good news is, she is starting to heal. Her young son has been a comfort to her, but she feels that he should not be the comforter- she should be comforting him. True statement, but I pointed out that she had raised a son who will be a comforter, one who respects women and one who will treat them well when he is older.

The presence of evil in the world is indeed a puzzle. We don’t like to think about it. In the meantime, we go about trying our best to love one another as Jesus told us to do. We may not understand evil, but we do not need to understand it to overcome it.  

Prayer: Lord, you are the Comforter we can count on, Amen

Jesus watched him go and then said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.”                Luke 18:24-25

This passage from the book of Luke took place after Jesus had told a rich man that he needed to sell everything and give the money to the poor. Then he was to follow Jesus. That was what Jesus said he needed to do in order to get to heaven. The rich man had turned away- the price of following Jesus was too high. Then Jesus made that statement about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven.

I think the point here is that it is impossible to get to heaven on our own merits- even if we did sell everything, give the money to the poor, and say that we are following Jesus. No amount of good deeds, generous gifts, or grand gestures can merit the grace to get into heaven.

But I think what Jesus was pointing out to the rich man was a condition of his soul that said the man was not willing to rest on the merits of anyone other than himself. He may have been a “self-made man” in his own eyes. He was used to finding out the cost of what he wanted, and then making the purchase. The cost of his soul was something he could not pay. Only the grace of Jesus can do that.

But let’s think about our own hearts before we judge the “rich man” in this story. The vast majority of those who read this would be considered “rich people” by any worldly standard. Are we really “selling out” everything in order to find the justice for others that Jesus asked? Do we conveniently donate to causes for others or are we “all in” to make this world a better place for all God’s children?

Prayer: Lord, help us to see where we can be the instruments of peace and justice in this world, Amen

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.                                                                                          Colossians 3:15

I spoke with a client recently who has been feeling somewhat downcast, partly due to some prolonged grief, and partly to some “empty nest” syndrome. Nothing approaching major depression, but disconcerting feelings, nonetheless. She is experiencing loss at several levels.

We discussed this sense of loss as part of our life as human beings- an existential phenomenon. We are all experiencing loss in some ways. We are losing parents, friends, co-workers etc. to death as they grow older. We are experiencing loss of routine as our lives change and evolve- kids grow up, we retire, we have physical losses, etc. We are losing some physical capacity also- we don’t hear as well or see as well as we used to. We have joint pain and some minor losses of mobility as we age. In short, we are experiencing loss. It is part of the human condition.

When we think about our losses, we tend to be thinking of a past that no longer exists. How do we stay in the present, enjoying the moment that we are in? I suggested to this client that we develop a gratitude list of things that we are experiencing in the moment. We get up in the morning and we are grateful for the fact that we can live another day. We are grateful for a warm bed, a shower to clean and refresh us, clothes to wear, that cup of coffee, food, a car to drive to work, for work…

You get the picture. We take account of the things that we often take for granted. Things that are actual blessings that others in the world may not enjoy. Such gratitude keeps us in the present, and not looking back to things we had and lost, (or things we are now losing).

I suggested to this client that she actually begin writing those things down. This exercise helps to focus us on things right before us, and it keeps us in the present more and in the past less.

Prayer: Lord, we are grateful for all the blessings that we see, and even those that we don’t, Amen

The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed;
    those who help others are helped                                                      Proverbs 11:25

Did you know that over 30% of the American population is involved in some type of volunteer activity? That feels like a pretty hefty number, and I’m glad of it. Perhaps the number should be even higher.

Volunteering is good for the body, mind and soul. I typically ask my clients to consider, as they are able, some type of volunteer activity in order to enhance their sense of self, and to positively impact the lives of others.   

Indeed, I remember when I was a young counselor and I had a client who was in her mid-sixties, and she complained of depression. I suggested that she seek volunteer work (among other suggestions to deal with grief and depression) to become more socially active, and to find a way to “reinvent herself” after her husband had passed away.

She began to volunteer at the same hospital where the mental health center had its offices. When I left that agency 15 year later, she came to me and thanked me for the suggestion I had given to her so many years before. She was then about 80 years old, still volunteering twice a week at the hospital, and she told me that she had indeed found more purpose, and more energy in her life. She was more focused on the needs of others, and the work fit into her spiritual beliefs about helping other people.

I have, over the years routinely suggested volunteer work to my clients for its many social, spiritual, emotional, and even physical benefits. For those of my readers who regularly volunteer (and there are many who do), thank you for your service.

So, I say to my readers, if you are not in a regular system of volunteering at a church, social services agency, or any of the other myriad options, do it.

You will be glad that you did.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the way that you bless us as we help others, Amen

To answer before listening—
    that is folly and shame.                                                                                           Proverbs 18:13

Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. David Augsburger

I recently spoke with a client about listening to his wife. He admitted that he has a tendency to offer advice and solutions before really hearing her out because he is convinced that he can offer better solutions to her, and that they will, more often than not, be effective.

While this may even be true, she feels diminished and marginalized in such situations. To his credit, he sees this and wants to change. In fact, he went to s seminar where the instructor told the audience, just say to yourself, “Shut up, shut up, shut up” when in such a situation.

I suggested that he substitute the words, “Listen, listen, listen”. In order to truly listen, one must exercise certain virtues such as sacrifice, humility and patience.  Those virtues do not come naturally to us, and we must be self-aware at the time to slow down and listen rather than respond.  

Prayer: Lord, give us patience to hear before answering a matter, Amen