Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up                                                                                 James 4:10

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”                    Step 1 in the 12 Steps of AA

 

The first step in any journey is the hardest. It is the one that takes so much energy to muster up. In an earlier reflection, I had talked about the universal physics concept that “bodies which are at rest tend to stay at rest”- until a force is applied on them to give the energy to move. It takes a lot of energy to take the first step in dealing with an addiction. It is the recognition that your best efforts got you right here- addicted to something.

Yesterday, I asked my readers to name the addictions in their life. Remember, we all have certain things in our lives which can be defined as addictions. If that addiction is causing your life to somehow become unmanageable, that is, if it is causing problems in work, relationships or health, then it is time to consider doing something about it.

If you did that, you are doing great, and on the way to the first step of recovery- if you want it. Recognizing the addiction is a powerful, major step in dealing with the problem. Indeed, overcoming the denial is possibly the hardest of the steps. However, it is not enough just to own the problem. Then one must begin the difficult journey of deciding if they really want to recover.

I have seen countless times when someone with an addiction tells me that he/she “needs to stop drinking for their wife/husband”. While everyone needs a moment of clarity of the need for a change in their life, the motivation cannot simply be to “get their spouse off their back”. Such motivation leads to resentment, and charges that their spouse is “controlling” or eventually some reason why the recovery effort failed.

One needs to own the fact of addiction, then decide that they cannot do recovery alone- that they need help like having other people and submission to a Higher Power. The concept of “speaking something into existence” is a fascinating mystery. It is not a magical solution, but there is something mysterious and spiritual about the idea. When we name out loud to someone else that we intend to start a certain activity or mission, that mission suddenly becomes real. It was spoken out loud and the concept became alive and real.

Addiction recovery is much like the start of other hard journeys in life. The humility step is the hardest. However, it is the source of power to generate the energy which is needed to start the journey.

Prayer: Father, thank you for the simple steps for healing. The paradox of humility gives us access to your healing power, Amen

We have cause to celebrate because the grace of God has appeared, offering the gift of salvation to all people.  Grace arrives with its own instruction: run away from anything that leads us away from God; abandon the lusts and passions of this world; live life now in this age with awareness and self-control, doing the right thing and keeping yourselves holy.                                                                                         Titus 2:11-12

 I have worked with a lot of people over the years who have addictions of various types. We can be addicted to anything. Anything.  The reason for that is the natural tendency to avoid pain or unpleasant situations or feelings. So, we look for remedies. The problem is that the remedy itself often becomes an addiction.

Addictions are shortcuts to feel better. They offer immediate gratification, and numb the pain. People use substances, at first to feel good- later they must use them just not to feel bad.  

Some of our addictions are somewhat innocuous and socially acceptable- for example,    my addiction to caffeine. That is one we even joke about, and it is a very common addiction. Then there are food addictions which are often socially acceptable, but are not good for our bodies, such as addiction to sugar- more or less a societal addiction.

Obviously, many addictions are not so harmless, and they are complex and dangerous. Anything that makes us feel good right away- something that immediately takes our brain’s pleasure center captive, is addictive. There are complex physical and emotional reasons for this, but suffice it to say, once the brain gets used to such chemical changes and the addiction takes over, recovery is monumentally difficult.

We will be exploring this further in the next few reflections. In the meantime, think about your addictions- we all have them!

Prayer: You have given us the remedy for a broken world, help us to deal with our own remedies which can be destructive, Amen.  

To respond to a matter before you hear about it shows foolishness and brings shame.             Proverbs 18:13

Everybody has an opinion. That has always been true, because we were created to be curious and to be always learning. What an amazing thing our brains are! Capable of sentient thought, able to solve complex problems, the store of countless memories, the place where judgments are made, speech and hearing is generated- just the tip of the iceberg so to speak about what makes us human.

Now about those opinions. Indeed, we all have opinions- lots of them. Many of them are informed by years of study, some just spurred by the perception of the moment. We tend to quickly label some things, informed by our experiences and our biases.

We also have this innate need to express those opinions. We want to be heard. The harder part is to listen to those opinions of others, especially the ones with which we disagree.

These days, there is a LOT of that. And, since this is July and November is coming with an election, the next few months will be full of ideas, media blitzes, and an air filled with opinions, many of which we will not like.

Something which I find very refreshing is a disagreement where two parties can share their differences, strongly, firmly, well thought out, and still treat one another with respect. That is, the ability to hear one another’s points, consider them, and then respond reasonably and intelligently. Maybe that’s why I like books and movies about trials where quick-witted attorneys contend over points of the law in defense of, or the prosecution of, a defendant.

I believe that really good attorneys work hard to be able to argue the position of their opponent. That way, they can get into the thinking of their opponent, and see his/her world view better. At the end of the trial, sometimes a contentious one, those attorneys can often go out and have dinner together and be friends. They can disagree without being disagreeable.

One of the tools I give to couples whom I see in counseling is the Fair Fighting Rules. In those rules are a few that can serve us well as we encounter ideas which run counter to our own. So, below are a few ideas about “Fair Fighting”. I hope it helps to make some disagreements learning experiences, not grounds for bitterness.

• Allow the possibility of being wrong, or that you may not be seeing the whole picture
  

• Become aware of your current feeling level (getting angry, frustrated, etc.) and own it- do not blame it on the other person. Your emotional response may be coming from something that is not currently part of the discussion but from possible past experiences, etc.
  

• Try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person and understand how they are seeing it. That does not mean that they are “right”, or even that you need to agree with it; just be willing to try to see the world the way that they see it. 

 

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the gift of expression. Give us the wisdom and discipline to exercise it well, Amen.

 

 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.                       II Corinthians 4:7

Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack, a crack in everything that’s how the light gets in. That’s how the light gets in, that’s how the light gets in.                                                               From the poem by Leonard Cohen “Anthem”

Yesterday, I discussed the idea of being perfect- rather, the impossibility of being perfect. We can relate to imperfect, because we are. All of us. However, the idea of being imperfect, like the crack in the Liberty Bell, becomes a symbol for us. It is a reminder that brokenness is an opportunity to be real and transparent. No one will ever try to mend that Liberty Bell crack. It reminds us that the broken can still be celebrated, and it stands as a symbol of our strength in imperfection. It is the opportunity to look for the healing that we all need in this broken and imperfect world.

Our American experience is imperfect. Yet, we have survived those failures, and we are committed to a better America. Without the recent pain we have endured, there would not be the attention to addressing and mending those failures.

I really liked the way that Leonard Cohen put it in his poem- the crack is how the light gets in. If we are not broken, we do not feel a need for anything beyond ourselves. What a tragedy to think that we are self-sufficient, in need of nothing outside of ourselves.

Paul said that we are like “fragile clay jars”, containing a great treasure. Unless that jar is broken, the treasure is not revealed. So, our imperfection is the opportunity to recognize the need for a power greater than ourselves. In the lexicon of the 12 Steps, that is the first step- the humility step, which allows us to get the help we need to solve the problems we cannot solve on our own.

For addicts, that is an addiction that has baffled and overcome them. For all of us, that is a problem of sin that we cannot solve on our own. Christians confess and believe that Jesus is the answer to that problem.

So, imperfection is our lot. But staying in the broken places is not. We learn from the pain, and we seek the remedies. Thankfully, we have a God who has provided all we need.

Prayer: Thank you for meeting us at the place of need. Jesus is the friend we need and count on, Amen.

 

 

But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.                                                    Matthew 5:48 

“Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.”                               Vince Lombardi 

So, you want to be perfect. Great goal. Even Jesus said that we should be perfect, as his Father in heaven was perfect. So, let’s do this thing. Let’s be perfect.

Perfectionism can make us very anxious because we get frustrated in not having it all just right and under control. Anxiety tells us that we SHOULD be perfect, and anything less is inadequate. We are just not built that way. Less than perfect is OK. Giving up on the pursuit is not.

I tell my clients that the road to perfection is like a hyperbola. Remember algebra and the x and y axis? Parabolas and hyperbolas?

Neither do I.

But those concepts can be instructive for this discussion. I understand that from the mathematical equations in algebra, the formulas for a hyperbola cannot generate a figure which actually touches the x or y axis. The figure can get closer and closer to the axis, but it does not reach it until infinity. Our quest is like that. We are to do the things that get us closer and closer to the goal.

So, we are on the road to perfection. We will never get there this side of heaven, but we are told to strive for it. We can get closer and closer, and that is our striving. But do not expect perfect. Don’t get weary in pursuit of it, but don’t expect to get it- at least not in this life.

Our fallen nature simply cannot allow for perfect. We can get very close in so many ways, but there are too many things that can get in the way of perfect in this world.

So, we pursue perfection, knowing that we cannot get there. The striving is the key. We keep working at doing better, working toward the ultimate goal. The striving IS the goal. Not the perfection, but the working toward it.

So, when Jesus told us to be perfect, I think he meant, “Be on the road to perfection- be on the right road. As long as we are on the right road, we will ultimately reach his perfect place at the end.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the right directions toward you in Jesus.

 

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others                   Philippians 2:4

Responsibilities are – “something that you ought to do because it is morally or socially right.” Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English

 

We Americans are very proud, and very protective, of the rights that we enjoy. We have been blessed with a constitution and a cultural heritage of many specific rights. To name just a few- the right to free speech, freedom of religion, the right to bear arms, the right of assembly, the right to vote, the right of facing our accusers in the court of law, the right to due process, the right to remain silent when arrested and the right to not self-incriminate. These are just a few of our hard-won rights. We are so blessed to have been given such a heritage! The other side of those rights are responsibilities. We are expected to:

• Support and defend the Constitution.
• Stay informed of the issues affecting your community.
• Participate in the democratic process.
• Respect and obey federal, state, and local laws.
• Respect the rights, beliefs, and opinions of others.
• Participate in your local community.

So, in these days of political and social division, lets keep our mind on the balance of these concepts. We have wonderful rights, but we also have responsibilities. We have responsibilities toward our fellow travelers in this world.

We have great freedoms, and one of those freedoms is to limit our own rights, at times, for the benefit of others. Timothy Keller wrote in his book, The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism –

“In many areas of life, freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones, the liberating restrictions. Those that fit with the reality of our nature and the world produce greater power and scope for our abilities and a deeper joy and fulfillment.

So, we can find freedom in limiting our freedoms at times for the benefit of others. The words of Philippians are difficult to follow, but they produce a freedom unlike those in the Constitution. They can free our soul.

 

Prayer: Father I thank you for the true freedom you produce as we love one another, Amen.

 

What, Me Worry?                                                                                                                                                         Alfred E. Newman

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.                                                                                                                                  Matthew 6:34

We all tend to speculate on the future. It is natural to do that. We plan, we dream, we hope that tomorrow is a better day.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said that we need not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself. It will unfold no matter what we do. He basically said, stay in the present and don’t borrow against tomorrow’s possible problems.

When we have high anxiety, we want certainty and control. Anxiety does not like surprises, so we try to predict how tomorrow will be. The problem is that people who have high anxiety almost always predict that tomorrow will bring a terrible thing somehow. They brace themselves, I think, with the concept, “expect the worst, hope for the best”. At least that way, they have some preparation for that future problem- they are prepared for it.

It is understandable to try to control everything we can. We even try to predict the future to prepare ourselves for possible pain. Of course, one of the problems with this thinking is that we rob ourselves of present joy- of living in the moment.

So, I think that we should control what we can control, recognize what we cannot control, and pray about the rest. In that same sermon, Jesus said this:

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

I think these words, if we can really follow them, can help with anxious thinking. If we believe that God takes care of his lower forms of creation, surely he will care for us.

Prayer: Father, we trust your provision for us. The future is yours, our future is in your hands, Amen

“I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member.”                                                                   Groucho Marx

All the days of the afflicted are bad,
but one with a cheerful heart has a continual feast                                                                                Proverbs 15:15

I believe that if we are willing to laugh at ourselves, we will never run out of material. Yes, it is true, and it is a principle of good mental and emotional health. Learning to “not take ourselves too seriously” is a key to contentment, and a tool for continual renewal.

Laughter at ourselves is healthy, refreshing, and it takes the edge off of trying to be perfect. It is far better to be aware of our own mistakes, foibles and quirks than to be blind to them, only to have to have someone else point them out to us. If they do, we might become defensive- especially if at the core we know it is true. Don’t you just hate that?

Sometimes anxiety says to us- (remember, I said in an earlier blog that anxiety is our traveling partner, so we might as well get used to it)- “you should have thought of that”; or “that’s not gonna work”; or “this project will be a disaster”; or “if people find out how incompetent you are…”

I remember telling my interns a story when I was supervising students.

Many years ago, I had just taken a new job at Miami County Mental Health Center, having come from work at the state hospital as a social worker. I realized that I had a huge learning curve in working in a community mental health setting.  My work at the state hospital had been difficult, but it was a very different challenge in this new setting. I thought to myself “If they have any idea how incompetent I am here, they will surely fire me”. And I laughed. It was not true, really. I mean, I was incompetent, they would just never get the chance to find out!

My interns usually laughed, and also felt great relief. Because that is exactly how they felt too at the time. My willingness to laugh at myself, and then share it, gave relief to a common anxiety- “I will be found out as a fraud”.  The truth was, we weren’t frauds, just inexperienced, and we knew it. But laughing about it defused it, normalized it, and we could get on with the business of learning, not worrying.

So, laughter is good, especially when we can see it in ourselves. Like I said, we’ll never run out of material.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the gift of laughter. It is healing to our body and soul, Amen

Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”                                                                                                                                           Exodus 4:10-12

Today we look at the other part of being safe and effective in helping others- being effective.  Having the right attitude, being safe, is a necessary component of helping others. However, it is not sufficient to simply have the correct attitude. One needs some tools to be effective in the helping process. I have found, and research confirms, that asking questions in a meaningful and sincere manner, is important in the healing process. Coming alongside the person who needs some support is best achieved by interest in learning the space where someone is at that time. It is not our job to take someone where WE think they need to go. It is our job to get to know their journey well enough, and earn the right to involve ourselves with them in that journey. This can take time and patience, and that is at times a sacrifice.

Genuine interest is, in itself, healing. Questions about background, interests, desires, and hopes are important in establishing rapport and credibility. This is not a feigned interest. If it is not genuine, let someone else be the helper.

Questions then can open up the areas of discussion which need to be pursued. A small sample of questions might be- “What would you like to do in this situation?”; “What is stopping you from doing that?”; “What have you tried?” ; “What is your biggest fear?”; “Who do you usually talk to about such things?” Such questions are just an example of ways to get at deeper issues which may be weighing on the person in need.

I believe that the best kid of ability is availability. Showing up and being available is critically important. Questions are the ways to unlock the best resources for the person we are helping. That is, letting them know that they possess the answers to their own problems- we are just facilitating the help.

Warmth is a key in gaining rapport. I define warmth as effective non-verbal communication. We are seen as being warm through our non-verbals, mostly. That is- eye contact, smiles, nodding our head to let people know we are with them, and body posture that is open and welcoming.

I loved the response that God gave to Moses at the burning bush when Moses, so unsure of himself, believed that he was not the right person for the job of leading the Israelites. In the passage from Exodus, above, God essentially told Moses, “You be available, I am able”

That is the approach I like. We just need to be really available, and God can do his work through us.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for giving us the privilege to serve others. You are able as we submit, Amen.

 

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for a time of adversity                                                                                         Proverbs 17:17

Today, a few thoughts on ways to be helpful to people who are struggling with some emotional response in these stressful days. Yesterday I wrote about how stress affects us in all ways- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. So, I want to give just a few thoughts on how to reach out to one another. Encouraging words, as I discussed, are healing to both body and spirit. However, to go a bit deeper, I will share some considerations about helping others.

I think we need to consider the two factors that we always use when we hear about therapeutic medications- safe and effective. Pharmaceutical companies typically advertise that their products are “safe and effective” . By that, they mean that the drugs will not produce undue harm, and that they have been shown to have some level of actually working to solve the medical problem for which they were developed.

So, helpers also need to be “safe and effective”. That means that we are “safe people”. In this case, safe means that we are trying to be helpful and available to help the other person, not to get our own needs met. That we can be non-judging and accepting. That we will not add to the burden already there for the person we help. That what they tell us is confidential, and will not be spread to others.

I recognize that I am discussing informal, friendly interventions, not professional counseling. Friends are not legally held to standards of confidentiality, however, there needs to be a discussion about where the information can go. The general rule is that the helping person is not the owner of the information, and has no right to share it without permission.

Finally, if possible, the helper should consider pointing the friend toward other safe people, who can be of help. Isolation is the thing that can get us in trouble during times of stress. Having a group of people who care is a tremendous help in our collective efforts to handle stressful times.

Tomorrow, we discuss “effective”. In the meantime, “be safe out there”! 

Prayer: Lord, help us to be strong and safe as we go about helping one another in hard times, Amen.