God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He’s set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.                                                                                                                                                              Colossians 1:14 (The Message)

I have discussed forgiveness in this space in the past, but today I want to tell a story of self-forgiveness. It is a common issue- we all face it, but this is an uncommon story. I say the issue is common, because it is part of our nature to have a conscience. It is true, that there are some individuals where the conscience is not well developed, or in rare cases, such as sociopaths, where there appears to be no sense of conscience present.

For the vast majority of people though, the sense of having done wrong, and being aware of it, is just part of being human. Thankfully, we have this sense of responsibility and awareness so that we can live collectively and supportively with one another. Just like anything else in us, this strength, this necessary self-awareness, to an extreme, can become a weakness.

We have a very hard time forgiving ourselves. We remember what we have done, how we have failed, or how we have hurt someone, and it eats at us. It can destroy us if we do not deal with it.

I had a client years ago, I will call her Lisa (not her real name, of course) who told me her story. Lisa had lived a life of brokenness. She had been a prostitute and a morphine addict, and one night she was taken to the emergency room- probably from an overdose. I will put the story in her words:

“They say that when you are dying that you are drawn to a bright light. There was no light where I was going. I was falling into a deep, dark, frightening pit. As I was falling, I heard a voice say to me ‘Lisa, if I sent my son to die for you, to forgive you, how dare you not forgive yourself!’

With that, the next thing I saw was myself lying on a table in a bright emergency room. In a moment, I was aware that I had not died, and that my life was changed.”

So, what had happened to Lisa? Maybe God had spoken to her. Lisa certainly believed it. The story was so powerful to me that I remember it 20 years later, and I share it, with her permission. It is a statement of the need for self-forgiveness, not as an option, but as a command! How can we choose not to forgive ourselves if the price of forgiveness was so high? How dare us not accept that forgiveness and live it out.

Lisa was a very dear person- one whose life really did change. Her story is powerful, and I hope it helps as a reminder of our need to forgive ourselves when we get lost in shame for things we have done, or for failures that seem to stick with us.

Tomorrow, another self-forgiveness story.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for the forgiveness you freely offer to us. Help us to use it for the freedom for which it was meant, Amen.

 

 

“This is God’s Message, the God who made earth, made it livable and lasting, known everywhere as God: ‘Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.’                                                                                                                                                      Jeremiah 33:2-3 (The Message)

 So, that is what God said to the prophet Jeremiah. We can’t even begin to understand the marvels of creation.  Every day it seems we learn more about how incredible the human body is designed. Intricacies of animals and insects can scarcely be understood, even by brilliant scientific minds.

While I was listening to a podcast the other day on my walk (yes, I am a podcast addict), I was fascinated by a discussion of the chemical make-up of wasp venom. Yes, I am also a nerd- I like that kind of stuff. At any rate, the podcast host was explaining how there are certain complex enzymes and proteins in the wasp venom that make it incredibly effective. Such detail in the design of a wasp!

We take so much for granted in our creation. Indeed, we get preoccupied with so much noise of bad news around us that we fail to breathe in the wonder of creation and appreciate the most common things in life.

I often tell my clients that the first thing we need to take control of in situations where we feel no control is our breathing. We can take voluntary control of an involuntary function. It helps us to slow down and regain our cognitive control when emotions carry us to an anxious place.

The very act of inhalation and expiration is a complex chemical reaction of enormous proportion. Maybe when we take control of that breathing, we can also be thankful just for the opportunity to do it.

Sometimes I marvel at the innocence of lower life forms who are not sentient and are unaware of their own existence or significance. Maybe, in our own way, we are sometimes just as clueless.

I think that there are marvelous and wondrous things we will never figure out on our own…

Prayer: Thank you Lord for this amazing life you have given to us. We are truly fearfully and wonderfully made, Amen.

 Grace and peace be multiplied to you through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord                    II Peter 1:2

Grace…

-unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification

-a virtue coming from God

-disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency                                                                                          

  -a pleasing appearance or effect                                                                                                                  

 -charm

These are some of the definitions of the word “grace” as given by Merriam-Webster. These are elegant phrases. Isn’t it nice to just read them and consider them? The word, grace, comes from the Greek word chairo, from which stem words like charity, charm, and charisma.  

I would like to suggest that we all need extra grace these days. Yes, we always need grace, but in these very trying times, we need an extra amount of it. The problem is, when we are in need of it so much ourselves, it is harder to give it away. You know the old saying, we need love the most when we are the most unlovable.

In these times when we are stressed by – make that surrounded by- COVID-19 considerations, we need grace. In the times when our teachers, principals, and superintendents are confronted with impossible decisions, they need grace.

In these times when elected officials are trying to make those same difficult, controversial decisions, they need grace. I believe that these people are doing the best they can. Do they always make good, correct decisions? No. But I believe that they are sincerely trying to serve and to make the best of a situation where there are no reliable road maps.

Some may believe that there are vast conspiracies, malevolent motives, nefarious plans afoot. I don’t think that helps. I hope we can choose to show grace to those who are trying to work in the best interest of those whom they serve. Yes, we can disagree with decisions. That is indeed a part of life. But as we make known our dissent, how about a little grace.

We all need it right now.

Prayer: Father, thank you for the unmerited favor that you always show to us, even when we are so far from deserving it, Amen.

 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you                                                                                                   Psalm 32:8

I have spoken to numerous groups over the years about leadership principles, and the integral characteristics of leadership. One of the examples I give is that of Dean Smith, the legendary coach of the University of North Carolina basketball team for many years. Coach Smith was a winning basketball coach. That is like saying “the sun is hot”. He won 879 games in his storied career, as well as two national championships, an NIT Championship (when that meant something), and an Olympic gold medal. The list of his basketball accomplishments could take this whole blog, so I will suffice it to say, this Hall of Fame Coach, was really good at coaching basketball.

More than his basketball coaching prowess was his great leadership ability. The young men he coached would come back to visit him year after year, attesting to his impact on their life, and not just their basketball life- their life. Dean Smith cared about the young men he coached, and they knew it.

One of the touching and impactful things he did was to set aside money in his will to give a check for $200 to each of the former lettermen that he coached for those 36 years at North Carolina. A letter went to each of those men after his death, stating “Enjoy a dinner out compliments of Coach Dean Smith.”

Dean Smith demonstrated a lesson even after his death. You care about the people whom you lead, and you remember them. Great leaders are selfless, thoughtful people who continue to teach, even after they are gone.

Thank you, Dean Smith for those lessons. Leaders like you are hard to come by.

Prayer: Father, thank you for examples of how to care for the people that we lead and mentor, Amen.

“The Spirit of the LORD is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed  free                                                                                                                                                                Luke 4:18

 

In yesterday’s blog, I opened the subject of stories. More specifically, I referenced the parables of Jesus as he went about sharing truth to people in ways so that they could readily understand him. His society was not a particularly literate one. Reading and writing were more for the educated elite, scholars who taught in the temple and synagogues.

Jesus was often angered by the behavior of the educated elites of the day. Many of those teachers and leaders used their power and wealth for the benefit of the few, and certainly not for the poor. That is what made Jesus so radical. He came, as he said to “proclaim good news to the poor”. So, it certainly made sense that Jesus spoke in the language that the poor and uneducated could readily understand. He told stories and parables to instruct and inspire people.

One of the ways to get at the truths in those parables is to have someone get into the place of one of the characters in the story. I have clients sometimes consider some of those parables from the viewpoint of the character, not as the listener of the story. How different is it when someone, for example, can get into the mind of one of the brothers in the Prodigal Son story? Maybe the story of the Good Samaritan. These two parables have transcended time and culture to become part of the literature and wisdom in places where Christianity is not well known. These are human interest stories which can be felt by anyone.

Sometimes it is easier to become aware of feelings when we can distance it from ourselves. We somehow have “permission” to express what that might be like without owning it for ourselves. My goal is to get people willing to just look at what is really going on in their mind and heart. It takes courage to do that.

Stories can help.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for the timeless truths found in the teachings of Jesus, Amen.

I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified                                                                                                           I Corinthians 9:27

I hear those statistics about how long it takes for some practices to become habits. You know, “continue to do this thing for three weeks and it becomes a habit”. I have no idea about that because we are all different. I do know that habits are not automatic. We have decisions everyday about how we are going to behave that day.

I do know that the discipline of exercise has now become a habit for me. That is, the thing I used to force myself to do became the thing that I miss if I do not do it. It started several years ago when I finally realized that I was not in top physical condition. Yes, my health was good, thank God, but I was not in shape. I was overweight, and my stamina was not what it should have been.

So, I decided to practice the discipline of walking at least 30 minutes per day. That discipline grew as I heard that really, 10,000 steps per day was a goal that we ought to have. I do not know the science of that, if any, but the idea seems right. We Americans simply do not move enough. We are sedentary, and that, by any measure, is not healthy.

I bought a Fitbit and I became addicted to those 10,000 steps/day. That was about 4 years ago. Now, if I don’t get at least 11,000 steps per day, I am not happy with myself. The point here is that the discipline that I started several years ago grew into a habit. Good disciplines make good habits.

All of the literature on depression indicates that physical exercise is equally effective as medication in mitigating mild to moderate depression. I always advise my clients to add exercise into their lives because it is good in every way for us, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Just to be clear, I am not advocating that people simply stop taking antidepressant medication- it is effective, and sometimes necessary in treatment of depression and anxiety. However, if my clients are physically able to exercise, I always make that part of the homework.

Keeping the promises that we make to ourselves is the basis of healthy self-esteem. I know that regular exercise for me is important, and I plan to continue. That discipline has become a healthy habit.

Prayer: Thank you father for the gift of our bodies- precious gifts that we must nurture and protect, Amen.

(Because that’s what we always called my dad)

                         

As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. Psalm 103:13

This is a piece I wrote exactly 20 years ago, at a time when I was getting ready to welcome my first grandchild into the world. Well, Jack Hartwell, my first grandson, is now 20 years old. I thought it might be good to share my thoughts about my own dad, and how he impacted those around him. You will note that this was written before social media was a thing. Think about how much more toxic the world has become since this was written in 2000. Here is how that looked in July, 2000:

I can’t help but think about my own dad, who was “grandpa” for so many years that he seemed to own the copyright on the title. He was a great, classic grandpa – warm, smiling, loved kids. He also had a great belly, a hearty laugh, and a warm embrace.

What a grandpa he was! 

My dad was a life giver.  He passed away quietly on November 20, 1997, having lived a generous 90 years.  He was a life giver, not only in the physical sense of fathering four children, but in the sense of affirming people and making them feel better for having met him.

 His way of valuing people was an education for me.  My dad always showed an interest in people, and he always found a way to get them to talk about themselves.  He knew that by developing an interest in people, he showed them respect and affirmation. He did this, I believe, quite naturally because that is the way he thought people ought to be treated.  That’s why people used to like to be around my dad, and why his funeral had such an outpouring of affection from people.

We need more life givers.  There are plenty of people in the world who are life “drainers”.  You know them.  They are people who tend to be critical and cynical.  We live in a cynical world, one which is feeding on talk shows on both television and radio.  Everybody, it seems, has an opinion about everything, and often it is a critical or witty comment which hurts people or damages their reputation.  Listen sometime to a talk show and count how often the comments are critical and hurtful, and how often the comments are uplifting or affirming. I think you will be amazed at the amount of poison available on the airways.

            What can I do where I am to be more of a life giver than a life “drainer”?  First, take an interest in people.  Look for the things in people that are right and good and treat them as if that is how they are.  People tend to begin to act in response to the way they are treated.  Second, set aside a few minutes each day to write an encouraging note to someone (e-mail works too, though it is not as personal), or to make a quick phone call to someone who needs encouragement.  Third, make it a point to laugh with people. Life is too short not to enjoy lots of laughter with people.  Finally, look for the good in a situation.  Most people can easily find the bad in a given situation.  Be the one who finds the good.

            A nod or a smile given away to someone, or time spent talking with someone, can be the “make it or break it” part of the day for them. We may never know how much we have touched people simply by talking with them in the office break room for ten minutes.

            My dad positively affected many people that he encountered during his life with a smile and an openness to share himself.  He didn’t change the world, but he did change the world for the people who knew him and his gentle spirit.  That’s a wonderful legacy that I would like to pass on. 

Prayer: Thank you Lord for the gift of my dad. We are grateful for such examples of your love, Amen

In yesterday’s reflection, I discussed the pivotal year 1968 and the upheaval it brought. I compared some of the events of 1968 to the so far disastrous 2020, and I suggested that, as my title stated, This Too Shall Pass.

And so, that year did pass, but there were still years of upheaval and strife, mainly centered around the Vietnam War, then later, the Watergate scandal of Richard Nixon. But there were stories of redemption that get lost in the recounting of those years. I mentioned Governor George Wallace, the man who is best remembered for the demagogic statements he made as governor of Alabama- “segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever,”.

He subsequently lost in Presidential races in 1968 and in 1972. In 1972, Wallace too became the victim of an assassination attempt, one that left him crippled and in pain for the rest of his life. What we do not often remember is that late in his life, after he was crippled in the assassination attempt, George Wallace had a spiritual awakening, and he renounced his formerly racist views. He said that – “while he had once sought power and glory, he realized he needed to seek love and forgiveness. In 1979, Wallace said of his stand in the schoolhouse door: “I was wrong. Those days are over, and they ought to be over”. Wallace later personally reached out to African-American leaders and asked for forgiveness.

So, redemption can come from pain and suffering. While Wallace’s racist actions have not been forgotten- and that is a cautionary tale lest they be repeated- but he has been forgiven by many of those whom he wronged and offended.

Let me conclude with one other redemption story of 1968. Three NASA astronauts took our attention off of a broken world as their spacecraft orbited the moon in December, 1968. We needed good news, and three astronauts gave us hope. You might recall the Pulitzer prize winning picture of “Earthrise” that accompanied this mission. It is beautiful beyond description. Here is the transcript of the astronauts’ message to Earth from December 24, 1968:

William Anders
We are now approaching lunar sunrise, and for all the people back on Earth, the crew of Apollo 8 has a message that we would like to send to you.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

 

 

 

James Lovell

 

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

 

Frank Borman

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

And from the crew of Apollo 8, we close with good night, good luck, a Merry Christmas – and God bless all of you, all of you on the good Earth

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!                                                                                                             II Corinthians 4:17-18

 

Yes, the year 2020 has, let us say, “not been a good year”.  There have been other perilous times in which we have lived. Many others. In my own lifetime, I think back to the famous year of 1968. We didn’t think that year would ever end either. There were uprisings in major cites around the world, including Paris and Prague, as well as nearly every American city at one time or another through the year. Worldwide Communism was in its death throes, but we did not know that yet. In its last quarter century of existence, the USSR seemed formidable and frightening.

The war in Vietnam was only worsening, and for me, it was very close to calling my name. The TET offensive, a huge tactical loss for the Viet Cong, became their largest strategic victory. Walter Cronkite said so.

Martin Luther King was assassinated in April, 1968, followed by Senator Bobby Kennedy in June on my high school graduation day. The Democratic Convention in Chicago that year was a bloodbath in the streets, with demonstrators being clubbed and jailed. It took away any excitement which may have been going on inside the convention itself. President Johnson, in late March of the year, had pulled himself out of the November race for President. Not only had he had enough, he knew he could not be re-elected. George Wallace, an avowed racist governor of Alabama, was running as a third-party candidate. The nation was divided like many had not seen since the Civil War.

At the Mexico City Olympics, Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised black-gloved fists on the medal platform, igniting a storm of controversy and backlash never before seen on the world-wide sports front.

In short, 1968 seemed like the year that the world would explode, and in some ways, it did. The current year 2020- well, I need not tell you its woes, and we are only a bit over halfway through.

The writer Paul in the book of Corinthians cautioned his people, who were undergoing serious persecution, that even though the current events were pretty terrible, our spirits are being renewed every day.  

So, let’s keep in mind that crises come and go. We don’t like them, they cause pain, suffering, even death to some. However, in the long run, it is a spirit building event, as long as we do not lose sight of it.

 

Prayer: Father, this year has been so painful to so many. We trust that you have this in hand, and that it can be an opportunity for us to grow in spirit, Amen.

 

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.                                                                                                                                   Jeremiah 31:3

Sometimes we just have to learn to accept things before we can begin to understand them. Sometimes, we will never understand. We are wired to be curious, to try to figure things out. That is a good thing. It drives us to learn, to grow. However, there are some things we just need to accept.

In addictions, the addicted individual may never really understand the biological dynamics of their addiction. Understanding the addiction won’t likely help to overcome the addiction. Only abstinence from the substance will give the addict the needed space to heal and get some recovery under his/her belt, but they may never really understand why they became addicted. They simply accept that their best efforts left them addicted, and that acceptance of the help of friends, family and sober support is what they need to stay clean.

Only after acceptance can understanding begin.  Grace works that way. We do not really understand grace, we simply accept that it has been given to us. If we can accept the beauty of grace, unmerited favor, we can enjoy its benefits.

I’m not sure that we will ever understand why God loves us as he does. But just because we don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. (Yes, there are a lot of double negatives here, but hang with it!) Some people try to overthink this because they feel unlovable. “How can God love me when I don’t love myself”, some may say.

I say, don’t try to understand that- just accept it.

Prayer: You have made us to be curious, to try to understand. Thank you for that. More than that we need to accept your love for us, extravagant as it is, Amen.