“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”                                                                                                      Luke 16:10

I recently talked with a client about the shame of addiction, and how hard it is for his spouse to regain trust in him after his acting out in his addiction. I also discussed how that shame gets in the way of rebuilding self-trust. We need to learn to regain trust in ourselves, and this is hard when self-esteem is lowered by past failures.

I talked with him about basic disciplines that he can build in to regain trust in himself. I suggested that he begin by choosing to practice one small discipline in each life area: physical, spiritual, and emotional. The point is that the little disciplines, if done regularly, are like keeping promises to yourself. Self-esteem is based upon keeping those promises to ourself. Our self-esteem is not built by others giving us praise, rather, it is built slowly in our inner self when we learn that we can be counted on to keep the little promises we make to ourselves.

Like I told the client- keep those promises small, measurable and practical. Make sure that the promises are doable. Being trusted in little things makes for a longer-term trust in self.

Prayer: Lord, help us to keep things simple so that we can be people of integrity, Amen

My daughter wrote this story about her grandfather, my dad, on her blog www.traumamom4.com some 2 years ago now. I encourage you to check out this great blog of hers. Meanwhile, I am running this beautiful story for my blog today, on what would have been Dad’s 116th birthday. Enjoy Pop’s story…

“Here’s $20. Go buy a pitcher of good beer. You deserve it,” he winked as he slipped the crinkled bill into my now husband’s hand. We were two young kids at my cousin’s wedding, standing near the cash bar. We’d just started dating. And he could see the love in our eyes. I was his grandbaby. A tender 20 years old. And he saw the man at my side, who’d really only been there a matter of months, and he’d decided he was already family. Grandpa Jung had a heart a magnitude of order larger than his wallet. If you were in his world, in his sights, you were his family. And he would be sure that you knew it.

Grandpa, or as my dad called (calls) him, “Pop”, in so many ways, is my true north for how I aspire to treat other people. My mother tells a story of meeting Pop for the first time as she found herself sleeping in the family home (in the guest room, of course) early during the time my mother and father were dating. Pop’s response was not one of judgment, but of welcoming her to the family. A hug. A jovial smile. “If she’s good enough for our, Johnny, then she’s family,” I can imagine him saying.

When I was a kid, one of his 11 grandchildren, there was no doubt that he loved us. Grandma and Grandpa lived in Cincinnati, in the home where my father and his siblings grew up. We visited often from our home in a small town about 90 miles away. He greeted us in his button-down shirt and his pants pulled way too high over his round belly. He smelled of Brylcreem and the Goetta that he’d made that morning. He laughed as he hugged us when we walked in the door, the TV on in the background, without fail the Cincinnati Reds playing, or during the off-season, “WKRP in Cincinnati”. He sat in his modest swivel chair and I remember laying at his feet, watching TV with him. If the Reds weren’t playing, we’d play cards…he taught me to love the game of Euchre. But the Reds were life. The players. The history of the game. The bond baseball gave to generations of Jung kids.

Over the years, his hearing declined. Or now that I reflect on it, maybe his hearing just matured in his old age to hear only the things he wanted to hear…the things that made him happy. Maybe he just somehow found a way to not hear the things of this world that made him sad, or upset. He chose, instead, to listen to joy. He’d remain clueless about the content of a conversation until someone mentioned the family or a party. Then all of the sudden, he was keenly aware of every detail.

When they moved into the retirement home, he sat next to an old friend at dinner (or maybe it was a new friend; one could never tell; if he welcomed you in, you were automatically his lifelong friend) who he boldly, and unapologetically, introduced as “Joe, the old alcoholic.” Joe never corrected him. Pop said what he wanted, what he knew. And being the old alcoholic had nothing to do with Pop loving you. It was just a fact. A benign descriptor. No judgment. Just, “Hey, this is Joe. Just so you know, don’t offer him a beer. That’s not in his story right now.” 

Sometimes, as I am talking with a colleague, or a friend, or a patient’s family, I can hear whispers of Pop in my ear. “Ahh! Welcome to the family!”, or “How ‘bout them Reds?” as a way of suggesting that while I don’t know you well, I trust we have something in common. I see Pop challenging me to let go of biases and ignore differences. I hear him laughing and see him hugging everyone in his wake. Just pure love. That was Pop. At least, that’s the Pop that I remember.

And now here we are in 2021, where bias and mistrust are all too often our default; where anger and frustration, judgment and fear dominate our interactions, on social media and face to face. I think Pop would be heartbroken. And I also think Pop would “not hear” a lot of the hate. I think he’d pipe up when someone mentioned the next Catholic festival or family get-together. The rest…he wouldn’t bother to hear.

Pop is hugging Jesus now, and hugging his wife of 61 years, his siblings, his friends…He’s probably playing Euchre with St. Peter and talking trash about the Reds with St. Paul.

Grandpa…Pop…I hope you know that who you were inspires me. That you are exactly the kind of unconditional love we could use right now. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep listening to you and keep trying to be more like you. We need you, and your heart, now more than ever. I love you.

“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”

Samuel Johnson

Funny how we yearn for “normal” when our sense of “normal” has been disrupted. So often, I talk with people who have had major stresses, such as physical ailments, relationship problems, employment issues- you name it. When those events change the normal routines to which we have become accustomed, we yearn for a return to normal- a return to what we know, the things that are soothing and give comfort to us. Even enjoyable vacations get to a point where we just want to get home and “return to our normal routines”.

I suppose the corollary of this is that we may not appreciate “normal” when we have it. In other words, we can feel bored, or under stimulated with the “same things day after day”. We all establish our own sense of normal, and even people who live in somewhat of a chronic stressful situation can eventually come to see their daily lives as normal to them.

So, I guess that when we are in our daily routines, we probably should be thankful for those comforting habits. I admit that I default to that a lot. I like my routines, which give me a sense of control and predictability. Nothing wrong with that, I think. I am remembering to be grateful for such mundane routines that I have established.

In fact, gratitude should always be one of those habits.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the little daily things that make “normal” for us, Amen

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.                              James 1:27

-lig- comes from Latin, where it has the meaning “to tie;
bind.” This meaning is found in such words as: ligament, ligature, obligate, oblige, religion.

Random House Learner’s Dictionary

Interesting, isn’t it, that the words like ligament, obligate, and religion have a common Latin root? The idea of binding together is a nice concept, but religion is not the first thing I would think of these days as something that binds us together.

Religion is an attempt to bind together people of a common faith. That concept fell apart many centuries ago as people of the Christian faith splintered into numerous denominations and sects. Christians aren’t the only ones whose followers drifted off into various derivations of a once somewhat singular belief system. Just look at other religious orientations to see that.

The point here is that the idea of religion is supposed to be a binding force. Instead, it has become not only a source of differences, but one of bitter fighting, wars, hatred, and enmity. In other words, it is the exact opposite of what it was supposed to be.   

James tried to explain what “pure religion” was, but that seemed to have been lost on those who would try to complicate a beautiful gospel.

 Maybe we should worry less about religion, and concentrate more about acting out our faith.

Prayer: Lord, forgive us for our forays into religion and away from your simple truths, Amen

What a wildly wonderful world, God! You made it all, with Wisdom at your side, made earth overflow with your wonderful creations                                                      Psalm 104:24 (The Message)

My wife and I recently returned from a trip to the Black Hills area of South Dakota. The trip was great! We saw the amazing “Badlands” area, Mt. Rushmore, Devil’s Tower, the Crazy Horse monument, and many other great wonders of the west. The topography of this area is a testament to the wonders of Nature. Forces like erosion and complicated geological upheavals have produced wonders and spectacles. 

We were reminded not only of the amazing hand of God’s creation, but also of an American history that deprived Native Peoples of land, heritage and culture. Manifest Destiny was the concept that God had ordained White culture to take the entire continent and secure it for Christian management and order.   

I won’t blame our ancestors for such thought. Indeed, had I lived then, I don’t doubt that I would have subscribed to that same “tribal” theory in the name of God. Yet, as we reflect, we see that our nature can dictate theories that we can claim as God-ordained, when in reality such theories were serving only our interests, and not that of other people.

So, my friends, let’s reflect on the beauty of God’s creation, remembering that we have the power to build on it, or simply use it for selfish interests.

Prayer: Lord, forgive us for our self-interests when your interests are the ones we should be uplifting, Amen.

I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
    but my soul was not comforted.I think of God, and I moan,
    overwhelmed with longing for his help. You don’t let me sleep.
    I am too distressed even to pray!

Psalm 77:1-4

Nights can be hard. Fall has once again begun to descend, and with it comes less daylight. The night period is longer and it changes our rhythms. We get accustomed to these changes in light, generally, but many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, and they dread the onset of winter. The amount of light we receive affects our brain chemistry, and it causes us to have changes in mood. This, I believe, is both psychological and physical. The amount of serotonin is affected by these changes, and that results in less availability of that natural chemical which signals us to feel good. Often, these changes are subtle and minor, but sometimes, they can wreak havoc with our moods.

Night time is also hard for people who are struggling with depression and anxiety. Every thought seems to be compounded by the absence of comforting light. Light seems to give us hope and reassurance. Night time can be isolating and lonely, exacerbating fears and giving a sense of gloom that may not be present in the daytime.

David struggled with depression it seems, and he wrote about this in Psalm 77. He too was beset by problems sleeping. He had thoughts that would not quit, and they kept him from restful sleep. He wondered where God was in his time of need. He cried for help and seemed to come up empty. He felt helpless and hopeless.

Have you been there? You are not alone. Even David felt this sense of profound hopelessness, and it took him a while to finally get comfort.

Tomorrow we will look at some of his remedies.

Prayer: Father, we turn to you in time of trouble. We seek you for comfort. Be with us in time of need, Amen

Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word spoken at the right time.                                    Proverbs 25:11

I read a book several years ago titled A Theology as Big as the City by Ray Bakke.  Lots of good stuff in the book, but one of the big takeaways for me was the idea that the church ought to serve as a chaplain to the city, or the area where it is located. Chaplains serve people with spiritual and emotional care at times of stress and crisis. We have hospital chaplains, military chaplains, hospice chaplains, police chaplains, even a chaplain for the U.S. Congress. That tells me that we value the spiritual care for people in critical situations.

The same goes for just us ordinary folks too. Heaven knows that there are daily stresses in our life that could be helped with the aid of a chaplain once in a while. The local church- that is the people who are part of that church (all of us, not the “pastor” necessarily), should be chaplains to the community we live in. We need to be ready to serve as the chaplain to the neighbor, friend, or even stranger who needs help, giving spiritual and emotional support.

If people saw the local church as a place where healthy, caring chaplains came from, they may be more inclined to check out what that church has to offer.

Just a thought…

Prayer: Lord, help us see the needs around us, and give us the will and courage to reach to help, Amen

A person’s conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing the hidden motives          Proverbs 20:27

I spoke with a client not long ago who was struggling with inadequacy, especially regarding his income. While he was earning a decent living, and was not in debt, he was triggered to feel inadequate when he discussed finances with his wife. After some discussion about this, I asked him what his “self-talk” was about how he felt. How did he internally process the feelings he was having?

He talked about his family of origin, as well as some past financial plans he had made, etc., and I asked him to consider in his self-assessment the difference in outcomes vs. motives. I explained that we often default to looking at certain outcomes in our life- “did this work out well or poorly for me”? At the same time, we often do not consider our motives. Did I mean to do the right and loving thing? Were my intentions geared toward the best interest of my family or others? Did I do the best I could given the information that I had at the time?

These are motive questions. I am a believer that outcomes are not totally under our control, but our motives are. There can be other circumstances that may hinder the outcome that we desire, but our motives are ours, and we must own them. They are totally under our control. If our motives are good (not perfect, they seldom are), then we can give ourselves grace about outcomes. We may be too hard on ourselves for outcomes without considering our motives.

My client considered that, and that was his takeaway from the session. He recognized that he did have good motives, but the outcomes were not always what he had hoped for, and indeed that is what he judged himself upon.  

So, consider motives when judging yourself. Self-aware people do judge themselves, and that is fine, as long as we do it in a way that is balanced.

 That allows us to give ourselves grace in the process.

Prayer: Lord, help us to extend to ourselves a portion of the grace you give to us, Amen

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.                                                                                                         Matthew 5:8

So, what does it mean to be “pure in heart”? It does not mean a “perfect heart”- that is not possible. It does mean that we have looked into our heart and we have seen it for what it is. It is selfish and pleasure seeking, if left to its own devices. Our job is to cut down on how often it is “left to its own devices”. In other words, we are to be stewards of an inherently selfish nature.

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet asserts “The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be. Jeremiah 17:9-10

We are clear that we are not perfect in heart, but we can be pure of heart. We can do that by agreeing with God on it. He knows our frailties, and he detests the practice of trying to cover it up, pretending we are something that we are not.

The counseling principle of ownership of our innermost being frees us to become who we are truly meant to be. Truth in agreeing that we are sinners in need of a Savior is the step of freedom and change. It is the “moment of clarity” for those in addiction who now see the need for help in overcoming the addiction. It is the moment of salvation for those who see that they cannot solve the sin problem alone.

I have been fond of writing about the relationship of faith and science. Science can explain and solve many world problems. It cannot solve the sin problem. That is the work for faith.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the solution to our heart problems, your son, Jesus, Amen

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.                                                                                                        Matthew 5:8

So, what does it mean to be “pure in heart”? It does not mean a “perfect heart”- that is not possible. It does mean that we have looked into our heart and we have seen it for what it is. It is selfish and pleasure seeking, if left to its own devices. Our job is to cut down on how often it is “left to its own devices”. In other words, we are to be stewards of an inherently selfish nature.

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet asserts “The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be. Jeremiah 17:9-10

We are clear that we are not perfect in heart, but we can be pure of heart. We can do that by agreeing with God on it. He knows our frailties, and he detests the practice of trying to cover it up, pretending we are something that we are not.

The counseling principle of ownership of our innermost being frees us to become who we are truly meant to be. Truth in agreeing that we are sinners in need of a Savior is the step of freedom and change. It is the “moment of clarity” for those in addiction who now see the need for help in overcoming the addiction. It is the moment of salvation for those who see that they cannot solve the sin problem alone.

I have been fond of writing about the relationship of faith and science. Science can explain and solve many world problems. It cannot solve the sin problem. That is the work for faith.

Prayer: Thank you Father for the solution to our heart problems, your son, Jesus, Amen