So, in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.                                                                                                                                                     Matthew 7:12

I was speaking with a client the other day about his relationship with his wife. He is in a good marriage, and the couple has some family challenges which they handle with grace and care. The husband told me that he often does not feel a great deal of warmth and empathy from his wife. He recognizes that she carries a big load in primarily taking care of the children, and also working a part-time job.

We discussed some ideas about enhancing communication, and he found that to be helpful. We later discussed the idea of modeling the type of behavior to her that he would like in return. Much of the communication that we truly pay attention to is non-verbal, as well as tone of voice when words are spoken. I have often said that the experience of warmth comes from effective non-verbal communication- smiles, eye-contact, and gentle touch.

The old concept of treating people the way we would like to be treated gives us a sense of control. We can actually reinforce the things that we would like to experience from others. We can be the model to others of what we expect from them.

Prayer: Lord, help us to be the examples of you in the world, Amen

I cannot sleep until you act. I am too distressed even to pray!I keep thinking of the good old days of the past, long since ended.  Then my nights were filled with joyous songs. I search my soul and meditate upon the difference now                                                                                                                                                          Psalm 77:4-6

I was speaking recently with a client who has chronic anxiety, and he told me that he spends a lot of time thinking about the past. He finds this comforting, and it also affords him the peace of not thinking about his current anxieties. We discussed the fact also that when he remembers the past, it is with a sort of “rosy lens” which somewhat distorts the reality of what that past may really have been like.

I assured the client that thinking nostalgically about the past is very common, and indeed helpful in some ways because of the comfort it may bring. Why do you think the Andy Griffith Show remains popular now over 60 years since its first broadcast?

Thinking about the past conjures up some warm memories for many, and it is also highly predictable. No surprises, typically, as we go over some old comforting themes and memories. I also discussed the idea also that while visiting the past is enjoyable and comforting, we can’t live there. Yes, we can visit there, we just can’t live there.

Indeed, the word nostalgia comes from the Greek as a compound word, with the sense of both “homecoming” and “pain”. Probably coined from the homesickness of that famous traveler, Ulysses.

So, reveries of the past are great- I enjoy it a lot as I get older- but we can’t get lost there. The present is too important to leave for very long.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the capacity we have to fondly remember our past. Give us the courage and strength to face our present and future with confidence, Amen.

The road to life is a disciplined life; ignore correction and you’re lost for good.                    Proverbs 10:17 (The Message)

“The dose makes the poison”                                                           Paracelsus   

We all need certain things to give us a sense of calm and security. Those of us who have raised children know that when the babies are young, they need to find things that soothe them. Therefore, so many kids have found that handy thumb of theirs to be mighty soothing! Babies and young children often have stuffed animals, silky materials that they can rub, and various other things in their environment that can fill the bill.

As we get older, we find other things to soothe us when we are upset, anxious, frustrated, etc. We all need some activities or items for comfort when we are stressed, and there is nothing wrong with that – until there is.

What I mean is, anything that gives us instant comfort and gratification quickly can become addictive. Did you ever try to break a child’s “addiction” to their thumb? Sometimes it is quite difficult. Eventually, we can redirect the child to some alternative way to find soothing.

The behaviors of adults that can become addictive are numerous. Some are socially acceptable, some are not. Some are downright unhealthy and potentially fatal (alcohol, drugs, gambling etc.). The ones that have taken hold here in the early 21^st century are social media and electronic devices.

We may not like to think of these as addictions, but they are indeed. As with any soothing behavior, we need to use it judiciously and in moderation. Soothing behaviors are good and important. But, just like anything else, it is all about the “dosage”. Too much too often will turn the soothing into a destructive behavior.

So, we don’t simply give up soothing behaviors- we need them. But we do need to be mindful of how we use our habits so that they don’t eventually own us!

Prayer: Lord, help us to see the things that give us comfort, and those that are robbing us of comfort, Amen

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts

Isaiah 55:8-9

I was recently talking with a client who was struggling with trying to be perfect. Yes, we know that we are not and cannot be perfect, but when you have anxiety, there is like an inner voice that says that somehow, we should be perfect, or close to it. No, it does not make sense, but then, anxiety at its root is not rational.

We all know that we can have fear because of a clear and present threat, but that is more a situational response to a threat or possible threat. That is rational. Anxiety on the other hand is more about unrealistic or irrational threats- ones that are unlikely, or impossible to measure.

This client has felt often that she should be able to avoid all temptations and thoughts that can be harmful. That somehow, if she fails, God will be angry with her. She has a transactional view of God. That is, “if I do good things, God is happy with me, and if I fail, God is disappointed with me.” We talked about wrestling in our mind with God’s view of us. We had a good discussion about God’s infinite love for us- love that is not totally comprehensible to the human mind.

Finally, we talked about the book of Ecclesiastes in which the writer struggles with the “vanity of life” and how one can reconcile the meaning of this life. I pointed out to her that the Hebrew writer of Ecclesiastes (attributed to Solomon, but likely a collection of ancient scribes and scholars), showed a style common to the ancient Hebrews. They argued with God out of honesty  and integrity. They did not mind talking to God about what their hopes and fears were. They challenged God when they thought that the world he created was not fair.  

I recall how the character Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof argued with God, trying to see how this world made sense. Tevya’s laments were both comical and full of sincerity as well as posing deep theological questions that could not be answered. In the end, Tevya accepted that God was God, and Tevya was not. Along the way, Tevya had deepened his relationship with God.

Knowing God’s ways and knowing our ways is wrestling with God. As we do that, we get to know God better, and we get to know ourselves better.

Prayer: Lord, we trust that your ways are good, even when we do not understand them, Amen

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life     Psalm 42:8

I was having a discussion with a friend recently about prayer. Through the course of that discussion, we shared our thoughts on what prayer really is. We agreed that often we focus too much on a somewhat transactional understanding of prayer. That is, I ask something of God on behalf of myself or another person. Certainly, there are many aspects to prayer- adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication- the ACTS model- and supplication is only one part.

However, I think that prayer is really about personal spiritual formation. That is, the role of prayer is conforming me into what God has created me to be. Prayer is not about changing God’s mind about anything; it is about changing my mind about everything.

To the extent that I can conform my thinking closer to the way God sees the world, I am being transformed into who he made me to be.

Just a few musings on a cold winter day my friends, be well!

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the opportunity to become closer to you in prayer, Amen.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.  The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So, when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it.  The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.  I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.  The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again                                                                                                              John 10:11-17

I really appreciate the calling of being a shepherd. In ancient times, shepherds were charged with tending, protecting and caring for their own sheep, or being in that role as hired by another owner. It was a very difficult job as it required long hours, and the danger involved of protecting sheep from predators such as wolves, lions, etc. There were also human predators who wanted to steal the sheep.

The shepherds had to lead the sheep to good grazing land and plentiful clean water sources. They had to bind wounds of stricken sheep, and provide medical attention to those who had fallen or taken ill. It required them to be rugged outdoorsmen, able to live simply and in difficult terrain and weather.

In short, it was a very difficult life. And, to top it off, it was considered a lowly profession. They were always in contact with animal droppings, and often with the blood of injured animals, so they were rarely able to pass the test of ceremonial cleanliness of the Jewish traditions. They were near the bottom of the social ladder.

Yet Jesus called himself a “good shepherd” as the one who lays down his love for those he is called to protect. Just another example of how Jesus turns social constructs on their head in demonstrating what real love is about.

Prayer: Lord Jesus, you are the Shepherd we can count on for protection and care, Amen

“Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral. It is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than to convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love.”

“Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon, which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

We celebrate today the birth and the impact of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. As I was looking over some of his famous quotes- and rest assured, he was phenomenally quotable- I saw many of those quotes extolling the need and the virtues of non-violence.

How ironic, of course, that this man of avowed non-violence, died at the hands of violence. Indeed, Jesus too preached love and non-violence, and died a violent death. The powerful words of Jesus, Mohandas Ghandi, and Martin Luther King- advocates of non-violence- led them to destruction.

What does this say about society? Those people who have less facility with words, or failure to have a cogent discussion with others, evidently must resort to violence, in their own minds, to be heard. There is an old saying that is humorous, but also contains some seeds of truth. It is said to be a strategy of some attorneys in court cases. It goes like this:

If you have the evidence, pound the evidence. If you have the facts, pound the facts. If you don’t have facts or evidence, pound the table!

Perhaps taken to its logical conclusion, people who feel powerless and who have very few acceptable social outlets, resort to violence in order to feel “heard”.

We see evidence of violent expression all around us. Dr. King and so many other brilliant prophets, have tried over the centuries to plead for true communication to make changes in an unjust world.

Our best tribute to these precious prophets would be to have reasonable discussion of differing points of view to truly hear others, not just to be heard.

As Dr. King said “I have a dream”. He had a dream of a society of people that listened to one another with respect and honorable intentions.

Maybe we all have that dream.

Prayer: Lord, give us ears to hear others, and the courage to act justly, Amen

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them?  Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food.  If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?  In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.                                                                                                               James 2:14-17 (NIV)

The title of this blog can maybe feel a little, I don’t know, theological? To simplify (or oversimplify), orthodoxy is good belief, and orthopraxy is good conduct. I am not a theologian, rest assured. Yet, we all need to dig into our faith to make it real for us. We need to wrestle with it so that we are being honest with ourselves and others. As I get older and see the effects of Christian witness, I see that the history has been, let us say, controversial.

What I mean is, people who have called themselves Christians have not always acted out that way of life well toward others. James, in his little epistle called people out on their faith. He said to them, essentially, if people cannot see your faith by your loving actions, it is no faith at all.

There has been, over many generations in Christianity, a growing emphasis of belief over actions. Believe the right things and all is well some would say. I understand that Martin Luther actually wanted the book of James deleted from the Bible. He felt that it minimized the role of faith in salvation since it called people to live out that saving faith in their good work toward others.  Indeed, one of the “solas” of the Reformation was “sola Fide” – by faith alone. Luther feared that the Catholic Church had put too much emphasis on “works”, and that became a flash point of the Reformation.

Without getting into the weeds too much with this today, let me say that, as James said, “let me see your faith by your actions”. Is your faith real? If so, there will be actions that verify it. Our faith is the starting point for a life that displays love toward others.

Prayer: Lord, give us faith that is so real that it plays out in action, Amen  

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” Matthew 7:7                                      

When thinking about this verse, and how to interpret it, I imagine being lost and asking for directions. Yes, it is true, I am a guy, and I do not readily ask for directions when lost. I would rather somehow intuit how to find my way, but that is a reflection for another day!

So, when lost and asking for directions, we need to be trusting of the direction giver, and then we need to follow the directions. I think that Jesus is inviting us to trust him in giving the directions for living a whole and healthy life. He also expects that we would follow those directions if we really want to get where we ultimately want to go. This act of trust is rewarded with his promise that the “ask will be granted, the journey will be successful, and the final destination will be accommodating”.

So, first we get the courage to ask- an act of humility. Meaning, my best efforts to date have gotten me totally lost! I better get some help!

Having gotten the directions, we set out, seeking the destination- an act of faith. If we are good at following the directions, it is often a pretty direct route- one we had not realized before that moment.

Finally, when we get to the destination, we have not quite completed the task. We need to go up to the door and knock to gain entry- an act of courage. After all, it could be the wrong house, or perhaps even the right address, but we could be turned away.

So, to complete the journey, we need to have humility, faith and courage. Jesus calls on us to have all of those traits to live the completed life.

Prayer: Thank you for the simple plan of asking for help, and following your directions for success, Amen

“What is the price of five sparrows? A couple of pennies? Not much more than that. Yet God does not forget a single one of them.                                                                              Luke 12:6 (Living Bible)

We have a little goldfinch who visits our bird feeder every day. We are pretty sure it is a male because he has a twinge of yellow. Male goldfinches lose much of their yellow color during the winter, only to slowly regain it in the spring and then become dazzling in the summer.

He comes every day, alone, and he sits in the feeder, leisurely munching at times. He comes alone and will stay for up to thirty minutes at a time. This is very rare, since all the other birds come as a flock, feed for less than a minute, and skitter off at the slightest movement around them.

We have developed several narratives about this little guy. We at first thought that he sat in the feeder, as opposed to perching on the feeder’s rail, because he was wounded and needed shelter and security. We wondered if he lost his mate, or if he were somehow shunned by the rest of the flock for unknown reasons. We have no idea about the story of this little guy, so we have made up a narrative about his back story.

We tend to make up narratives- projections if you will- when we have incomplete information on something. That is what makes psychological projection tests like the Rorschach Test, or the Thematic Apperception Test (TAT) so interesting. Those tests give incomplete and vague information to allow the viewer to make up a story around it. In so doing, the subject reveals much about themselves.

We humans need to have some type of closure on situations. We need to try to make sense of situations where there is ambiguity. We need to have the satisfaction of knowing “the rest of the story”.  

God has made us to be curious beings, made in His image, and seeking understanding and clarity. Yet, there is often no total understanding of situations, and sometimes we are left with simply trusting that “God has it and we don’t”.

We don’t know the true story of that little goldfinch, and we likely never will. But it has given us the satisfaction of giving the little guy a history and a meaning.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the ability to imagine, to wonder, and to seek meaning, Amen