Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.”                                                                               John 8:32 (The Message)

I recently spoke with a client about her anxiety. It had been exacerbated over the past few years by a domestic violence scenario whereby she had to be in a heightened state of alertness to protect herself and her young children. She has been out of that marriage for a couple of years, but she still states that she “overthinks things” and cannot sleep well. Little things are blown out of proportion, and she has a hard time not seeing herself as “damaged goods”.

I pointed out to her that her anxiety, at one time, served a somewhat protective service for her. She was hyperalert and vigilant in the past because she had to be for herself and her children. It was protective. Now that state of vigilance and hyper-alertness was causing problems. It was affecting other areas of her life.

After some discussion, she was able to see that she tended to project her own feelings onto others, believing that she was not accepted or acceptable. She had trouble accepting positive feedback, because her anxiety always “whispered to her” that she was inadequate and somehow broken.

The truth is that she is amazingly resilient, courageous, and very successful in her career. She is gradually being able to hear the truth about herself, and that is a wonderful thing to behold.

Prayer: Lord, help us to see things in us that others do- that you do-

 Amen

 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.                                                            Ephesians 5:29-33 (The Message)

In putting together a workshop on partner counseling, I came up with a few things I will share with my readers…

I like to approach all my counseling work from a strengths-based perspective. We all have gifts and strengths from birth, and we exercise those strengths in our daily life and relationships. The very strengths and gifts which draw people to their partners are the very ones that drive each other crazy some years later. Aren’t we just a confounding creation?

We need to give hope to couples who are seeking our help. They may have lost hope for their relationship, but we as counselors can offer them hope for a better life and relationship.

Humor can deflect escalating tensions in relationships. We need to be able to laugh at our own foibles and quirks.

As much as possible, we as counselors need to affirm our clients, recognize their work, and tell them that we know the counseling process is sometimes not easy, but it is worth it.

Just some thoughts for today from a counselor’s perspective.

Prayer: Lord, give strength to relationships that are struggling at this time, Amen

Luke chapter 15

I do love the Book of Luke, possibly my favorite Bible book. Luke captures Jesus as a great storyteller. Those stories indicate the love that Jesus has for those that are lost. He talks about lost sheep, lost coins, and finally a lost son in Luke chapter 15.

These parables were related for a reason. Luke knew that Jesus would want no one to be lost and wandering alone, so he recounted those parables that Jesus told. We are familiar with these stories- they are redemption stories. That which has been lost is found and restored.

In some ways, we all get lost at times, and are wandering alone it may feel. Take heart in the stories that Jesus told. You are not alone. Jesus is always looking for you. Sometimes he does that through friends, relatives, even strangers. Always be open to being found when you are wandering alone.

Jesus would have it that way.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for pursuing us when we are lost, Amen

Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don’t for a minute lose sight of them. They’ll keep your soul alive and well, they’ll keep you fit and attractive. You’ll travel safely, you’ll neither tire nor trip. You’ll take afternoon naps without a worry, you’ll enjoy a good night’s sleep. No need to panic over alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday’s just around the corner, Because God will be right there with you; he’ll keep you safe and sound.                                                                                Proverbs 3:21-26 (The Message)

Funny, or maybe not so funny, how others can see things in us that we cannot see in ourselves. I have had occasion several times this week to reflect to clients some positive traits that are almost invisible to the client themselves.

For one client I gave the visual analogy of my hand directly in front of my face so that all I could see was my hand. That, I said, (my hand) were the failures and missed objectives that he could see. His range of vision was blocked by the things he had missed on. As I drew my hand out further, I had a larger field of view, and I told him that if he can look beyond the things that he might have missed, there were a larger number of things that he had successfully accomplished.

As we get perspective, we can better see the whole field of behaviors that had been blocked by a narrow and blocked analysis. In fact, this client had been working almost heroically to care for an aging mother with cognitive decline. In his view, it was never enough. In my view, it was selfless caring.

I suggested that my view was a bit clearer since I had an objective picture, untainted by negative self-talk. Gradually, the client began to understand that perhaps his view was incomplete. Not totally in error or wrong, just incomplete. Sometimes, we just need a fresh look at things so that our picture becomes more complete.

What say you?

Prayer: Lord, help us to hear the input of others when our view might be inadequate, Amen

 For God has bought you with a great price. So use every part of your body to give glory back to God because he owns it.                                                                                                                                                            I Corinthians 6:20

Funny thing, pride. It is the original, and I would suggest, the only sin. All other sins, problems, errors, failures- whatever you might want to call them- come from pride. Pride is about making sure that I am the center of my universe. The needs, rights, and well-being of others follow after my place being secured. I can take care of myself, and I do not need anyone else to tell me what to do. To its extreme, it says that the rules don’t exactly apply to me like they do other people.

This description does not sound very flattering, does it? Yet, to some degree, we all fall into that mindset somewhere. Certainly not all the time, and not in all situations to be sure. Indeed, we humans are capable of some incredible altruistic thinking and behaviors. Yet at our core, we need the intervention of the Creator to redeem us to health.

Essentially, when it comes to our relationship with God, we need to recognize our inability to save ourselves by virtue of our good behavior. Recognition of God and his son, Jesus, as the remedy for our sins is the key to health and salvation.

Much like the addict who comes to realize in his 1^st step that his/her best efforts got them to a place of powerlessness, we all need to take the humility step in order to be fully free. That means that we accept that we alone do not have the answer to all life’s problems, and that we need help to navigate our life.

Self-forgiveness (or lack of it, more properly) is an example of how insidious pride is. People sometimes take offense when I point out the pride in failing to forgive one’s self for sins and errors that have sidetracked us. I point out that they would forgive others for offenses, but they do not forgive themselves for some reason. “Are the rules different for you than for other people?” I ask.

Yeah, pride is a funny thing…

Prayer: Lord, you have given us the remedies for pride. Help us to see our need for your plans, not ours, Amen

The greatest love a person can show is to die for his friends.                                           John 15:13

As we in the United States enter into the Memorial Day weekend, my thoughts turn to the character and courage of those who have defended their country in the military services. Most countries have some kind of way to recognize those who have given their lives in service to their country.

I was reminded of the service given to the United States by President Harry S. Truman as we visited his library and museum in Independence, Missouri recently. He served with distinction in World War I as an artillery commander. Later, he was elected to the U.S. Senate, and assumed the Presidency upon the death of Franklin Roosevelt in 1945.

He was a man of honor and candor. He had courage and convictions, and was willing to do the very hardest things in the service of his country. While he did not die on the battlefield, he devoted his life in the service of his country.

Many people have served this country with courage and honor. Many also have died doing that very thing.

I salute them all on this Memorial Day weekend.

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control; and here there is no conflict with Jewish laws.    Galatians 5:22-23 (Living Bible)

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14

As I was looking at the verse of the day on my Bible app, I saw that it was the verse above (Galatians 5:22-23). I have read that the fruit of the Spirit is really just one thing- love. The words that follow- joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control can be read as attributes that are the natural outgrowth of a person led by love.

Jesus came to give that very simple message. Indeed, he lived it out. He also said that he came not to abolish the law but to fulfill it. So, the intent of the Law was to try to point people to an overwhelming love. That was later explained fully by the presence of Jesus, and then the enduring indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

The end of the verse in Galatians (5:23) states that the fruits of the Spirit are consistent with Jewish laws. God’s plan all along has been to have people transformed into loving people- those who care for and nurture others. The Law is fulfilled in that way.

So, the Law is summed up in these words- Love One Another

Prayer: Lord, thank you for simple plans- plans that are simple, but not easy, Amen

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest, they don’t have storerooms or barns, but God feeds them. And you are worth much more than birds                                       Luke 12:24

I had a discussion recently with a client where we discussed her sense of how she loves herself and how she sees herself. This client is very insightful, and she could see the difference between self-worth and self-esteem.

We concluded that self-esteem is often based upon how others see us, while a sense of self- worth is more an internal self-evaluation. Valuing ourselves is about how much we can trust ourselves to keep promises to ourselves. It is more about character than performance. If we keep promises to ourselves- to do the right things, maintain disciplines, adhere to our values- our sense of self-worth improves.

Being esteemed by others is important and valuable, but it does not dictate our worth. Indeed, we have worth simply by being created in the image of God. But our own sense of worth is determined by how well we keep those promises to ourselves.

Prayer: Lord, you have made us in your image. What a marvelous and boggling concept that is! Amen

A gentle answer will calm a person’s anger,
    but an unkind answer will cause more anger.                                                      Proverbs 15:1

I recently spoke with a couple about their style of communication and we discussed some ideas of how to improve it. I suggested to them that it is often better to ask questions than make comments. Rather than speculating on the mood or intentions of a partner by saying something like “You look angry”, it might be more helpful to say “You look upset, are you OK?”

Often in the course of a conversation that seems to be getting a bit heated, there is a need to slow things down. Emotions can easily overtake cognitive reasoning in the course of defending oneself from a perceived attack. “Slowing the train down” at that point is important. Sometimes use of a fun code word can signal the need for a pause to regain composure. I have had clients come up with some great nonsense words to interject to make a pause in the growing heat of hurtful words. Use your imagination on this one!

All this to say, just one of the partners in the discussion can invoke the word, and a pause needs to take place to give time for a break. This made me think of the Proverb and the wisdom it contains – A gentle answer will calm a person’s anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger.      

Prayer: Lord, help us to pause when we are moved to anger, Amen                                                                                                           

“God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son so that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal life.  God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world guilty, but to save the world through him.                                                              John 3:16-17 (New Century Version)

As I write this blog, it is Pentecost Sunday. Pentecost is a celebration that commemorates the actual start of the Church. That is, on that day, 50 days after the resurrection of Jesus, the Holy Spirit was sent in a visible way to the followers of Jesus, giving them the power of God through the indwelling of the Spirit. This was the start of the worldwide mandate to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth.

This power was manifested immediately by the disciples who began to speak in the languages of those people assembled in Jerusalem for the Hebrew feast of Pentecost (Shavuot). That feast was celebrated 50 days after the Passover holy days. Jews from all around the known world came to the festival, and they were amazed that these rugged fishermen and untrained Galileans were able to speak foreign languages so that all present understood the Good News.

The message here is that ordinary people were empowered to spread the Good News that Jesus brought to earth. These new believers now were the only means to convey the greatest message in the world – that God so loved the world that He sent his only son to redeem it.

Prayer: Lord, you have entrusted us with a powerful message that all need to hear. Strengthen us to do it well, Amen