Anticipatory Grief

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.

 Psalm 31:9

I have had occasions, in recent years, to discuss the idea of “anticipatory grief” with a number of my clients. This is a common, but often unexpressed phenomenon whereby we are witnessing the decline of a loved one and having uneasy and sometimes inexplicable feelings associated with such decline. It is a form of grieving, but it is often not labeled as such.  

Clients may feel anger toward their loved one, and sadness, but may feel guilty for such thoughts. I explain to them that they are grieving a loss. They are experiencing all those feelings of loss before their loved one passes away. They are, sometimes unwittingly, preparing themselves for a devastating loss. They begin to understand that this is a protective feature, preparing them for the eventual, inevitable actual loss of the one they love.

Once we can explain and reframe this idea, they can see that such grieving is really a measure of how much they love their friend/relative/partner. The anger that they may feel of losing such a dear person is actually a form of grief. Grief almost always includes anger of some type, sometimes an inexplicable feeling, but anger nonetheless.   

Being able to label such feelings can be very helpful in accepting them. We feel loss, even before our loved one actually passes from this earth.

Anticipatory grief.

Prayer: Lord, you have made us to love deeply, and that involves all of our range of emotions. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, Amen