Helper or Hurter?

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor                         James 4:10

I saw a couple in marriage counseling recently who were having significant marital problems. They were both from difficult family of origin settings, and both had experienced trauma from a young age. They each had been divorced more than once, and they were both trying to save this marriage from that same fate.

As I heard them out, and heard the pain that they had inflicted upon one another, I said to them, “You have a choice here if you decide to stay together. You can decide to be a “hurter” to one another, or you can be a “helper”. A marriage is supposed to be the place of a soft landing, a safe place. We are meant to be helpers of one another. You have the capacity to help greatly, or hurt deeply. I want you to commit to be the helper to one another”.

There are many resources we can give that can help partners to be that helper. But unless they make the decision to be the “helper”, and not the “hurter”, those tools we have make no difference. Like everything else, we all have choices to make. Those choices are often very difficult choices – ones that involve humility and self-sacrifice. But we do have choices. I cannot make that choice for them, but if they choose the hard path, it can be richly rewarding.

Prayer: Lord, give strength to families that are struggling, Amen