The Kindness Filter

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.                                Proverbs 15:1 (Living Bible)

I was recently talking with a couple who are trying to enhance their relationship. They are a delightful couple, but both are prone to a quick temper at times. Their words to one another can become harsh and cutting. Both are bright and articulate, and both feel the need for control.

In other words, they are kind of a normal couple. They are open to changes and they are responding well to the homework I give them. I have spoken to them about a “kindness filter”. That is, we all exercise our brain’s prefrontal cortex in which we find our social filters. In social settings, we typically use the filter of determining what is a socially acceptable response. Thank God that we have such a filter, for that is what gives us social order and civility.

I challenged this couple to exercise that filter while at home with one another. I had asked them if they would treat co-workers or friends in the same manner that they treat one another at times.  Both agreed that, no, they will treat co-workers and friends with more respect and grace than they do one another at times.

They love one another, and they are committed to one another. They agreed to try using their “kindness filter” at home with one another. Yes, the idea is simple, but the execution of it is not easy. It takes self-awareness and discipline, as well as practice, to get the behavior into a habit.  What a joy it is to see this couple working hard and treating one another with the “kindness filter.”

They are not perfect at it, of course, but it is working.

Prayer: Lord, help us to be graceful in our speech to all we encounter, Amen