For Whose Benefit?

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?  Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.                                                                                                                                                            Philippians 2:1-2

I spoke recently with a client who was a victim of physical and emotional domestic violence. She had early trauma and abuse in her life, and she struggles with rejection and abandonment. She is working hard to deal with these issues, but she is still trying to decide how she wants to handle the abuser in her life.

She is torn about whether to divorce him, feeling like she may be “giving up too soon” on him, and that he can change. This is a common situation with abused partners, and I understand her emotional struggle. She is wondering what it is about her that continues to miss the cues about men who hurt her. She is trying to determine how she can have better boundaries, and better recognition in the future.

These are excellent goals, and we are working on them, but in the meantime, she needs to be separated from the abuser. Going back with him, or even resuming contact with him, could be dangerous. I gave her the analogy that if one is in a burning house, the first thing to do is flee the house. You can’t wait to determine what caused the house to catch fire- that can be determined later. The first job is to escape the danger.

This resonated with the client. We talked about ways that he had controlled her, and she is gradually understanding that these are the methods abusers often use. I encouraged her to look to the future of the healing that she needs to do with her own children, and not to spend energy right now on reliving and understanding the abuse she recently escaped.

She is not alone, of course in the cycle of abuse that besets so many relationships. People who are in truly loving relationships are concerned about the best interests of their partner.

“How can I make your life better?” That is the type of question that loving people ask for their partners. Those are not the type of questions that her abuser asked.  

Prayer: Lord, help us look to the interests of those we love, to support and encourage them, Amen