I recently met with a client who has trouble in taking stock of his situation and giving himself some credit for work he has done. He in fact is working a full-time job, and is also caring for a mother who is in cognitive decline. Yet all he can see is work that is not yet completed, and the specter of more that needs to be done.
When a friend told him how well he is doing, and how admirable his mission is, the client could not see it, and he actually somewhat discounted the compliment. He felt that there was more to be done- the job not yet completed- so he could not yet accept any credit.
I suggested to the client that he really had no right to discount his friend’s sincere evaluation and affirmation. By saying things like, “That’s nice, but the job isn’t done yet”, actually negates the observation of his friend. I suggested that the proper response looks like, “Thanks, I appreciate that, and there is still more to do”. Both things are true- he has done well, and there is also more work to be done.
My client is stressed, and it is a hard time for him. He is doing really hard work, and he needs to see that others recognize that. I hope he truly sees it for himself.
His use of the word “but” negated the intended compliment. Thanking the friend, and accepting that he has done good work is the oxygen needed for the rest of the statement, “and there is still more to do”. Encouragement is indeed often the oxygen we need to complete the hard tasks. When someone offers an encouraging word, just say “Thanks!”
Good for both the encourager and the one encouraged.
Reflections of a Counselor 