What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What joys when sins are covered over! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record Psalm 32:1-2 (Living Bible)
I recently met with a dear young couple who are having relationship problems. There are a host of core issues, and both come to the marriage with some significant trauma of abuse in their family of origin. They hurt one another when they argue, and those old wounds are triggered fairly easily.
We discussed the issue of forgiveness, and we went into some depth. I discussed with them that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and apologizing. An apology from the offending party is only a partial remedy, because it lets the offender keep the results in his/her hands. In other words, by simply saying “I’m sorry” there may be a tacit understanding that they have sufficiently remedied the problem by owning it and apologizing.
On the other hand, if the offender asks the offended party to grant forgiveness, that puts the locus of control into the hands of the offended. They have been empowered to forgive (or not), and it restores to them some of the dignity lost in the offense.
The other issue that this brings up is the motive for the apology/asking for forgiveness. If the motive is simply to end the discussion or argument, or to alleviate guilt, that motive is incomplete. If the motive is remorse for the wrong that was done- that is, recognition that the offender’s actions have hurt someone they care about, sorrow ensues, and we want the other to be nurtured and cared for- that is a proper and healing place to begin restoration.
These two people have been hurt, and they sometimes cause hurts, but they are remorseful, insightful, and teachable.
This young couple will do fine.
Prayer: Lord, you are the author of forgiveness. Thank you for that foundational process, Amen
Reflections of a Counselor 