Unwilling or Unable?

We can justify our every deed, but God looks at our motives.                                Proverbs 21:2

One of the concepts I often discuss with clients is the concept “unable or unwilling?” Especially in relationship problems, this question needs to be asked- “Is your partner unable or unwilling to make the changes you would like?” If they feel that the partner is unwilling to make some changes for the sake of the relationship, that is a whole other dynamic than if that partner is unable to make those changes. Are we asking someone to do something that they are simply not capable of doing, or are they simply being selfish and stubborn?

Just the idea of giving consideration to motives, and the past experiences and abilities of the partner helps to give some empathic approach to the situation.  Perhaps the partner in the relationship is doing about the best they can, but lack the skills and temperament to be the “ideal partner” one had hoped for.

The idea is to ask the client to consider that, maybe their partner is trying hard, but she/he is not capable of the type of responses one would like. Perhaps we will never know what those limits are, bit it is always good to ask for the client to consider giving the benefit of the doubt.

Prayer: Lord, give us the patience and wisdom to ask the questions about ability to change versus stubborn resistance. Amen